AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I call Mondays, Thursday, and Sundays that’s too much???

This is a you problem, his wife is potentially sick to death of you calling and being in their marriage. I’d hate this level of contact. Just don’t call, don’t msg see how long he takes and go from there.

This place makes me really appreciate my MIL.
Sometimes when she’s doing her food shopping she will pick up some sweets for my DH that he used to like as a kid. She will instantly text me asking me what sweets I like too. Not that I expect her to at all, she’s just lovely like that.

The more you reply, the more certain I am that it’s You that’s the issue here 😳
Stop trying to control your son, and stop being jealous of your DIL.

Yes it is

I think adult children should go and see (or phone/facetime if living 13 hours away) once or twice a month.

“then he says mom we are a married unit and she is your DIL you can’t get her a $10-15 mug?”

He is clearly communicating what he wants to you. It’s not just about a crappy gift shop present. Read between the lines a bit.

I speak to my parents most days. My younger sister calls when she feels like it, which can sometimes be days between contact.

People, even those raised by the same parents, are different.

You also mention he works nights. Have you considered that he's tired, rather than agitated, because his shift pattern means he doesn't sleep as well as he would overnight?

Or that maybe his shift pattern means he sees very little of his wife so he wants to spend the little waking time he has with her and not on the phone?

There could be any number of explanations for why he seems distant or agitated, you've decided it's his wife because you can hear her in the background of a phone call?

Also, with regards to things like gifts, either treat them as a pair or don't ask, just get for him with the message of "couldn't help it, saw it and knew you'd like it".

I do believe you have some valid points regarding the control thing but I think the calling is a bit much, especially if it is at regular times during their limited time together. Put some of the onus on him to call you in his own time, driving back from work for example, when he’s not spending time with his wife.

My other 2 sons are close to me my middle son calling me everyday without me initiating it so obviously I wasn’t a bad of neglectful mum by any stretch.

My bil calls his mother every day to chunter away about whatever anxiety or vexation he has going on. He is totally enmeshed and they have a very unhealthy relationship. His fiance/soon to be wife has no real clue what she's getting into.
It isnt something to aspire to tbh.

My mil also makes similar "phone demands" to you. she needs 45mins plus blocks of time. She criticised my dh if he is cooking / folding clothes / doing anything other than giving her his total undivided attention when talking.

He hates it.
She would similarly blame me for him not visiting or calling as much.
She's an emotional vortex and he got his own life / own family.

That’s what it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on but that in the process I’m diminished to acquaintance status and as his mum it hurts.

You sound like you are competing with the wife and angry/ fucked off you are no longer the centre of his universe. This is the natural order of children growing up
Honestly stop the competition thing now its babyish. Also him loving her doesnt diminish you 😵‍💫 you pushing and pushing makes him step back and create distance

You clearly dont like your DIL and your 3 x per week calls on set days are honestly quite a heavy demand. Some days you have a shit day at work and just want to eat and go to bed...modern life is very demanding

If you want actual advise you should try and improve your relationship with her.
Although like my mil its clearly from how you write about her she is "real" family.
Three easy things

1. Send him funny memes or snippets on what's app without expecting a 30 min phone call or essay in response
2. Next time you are asking about gifts ask what she'd like first. Ordering when you see them go somewhere she'd like... See what happens...
3. Try and phone and limit the call to 5 to 10 mins max and you end it first.

Your tone here is very revealing. It sounds as though you resent their relationship. I have two sons - the older one phones me a lot the other is less communicative- that’s just the way they are. Maybe she wants to talk to him if she hasn’t seen him all day and he’s on the phone to you when she gets home from work. I think you’re deluding yourself as to the real reason for the distance. Back off.

I’m sorry but it’s insane to expect someone to treat the spouse or their child equal to the child they raised. It’s not realistic at all to expect a MIL to have the same love and affection for the child they raised as they do for the person their child married. Your comment would make more sense if it was about my other child meaning if I get one son something I should get his siblings something as well.

as far as my own MIL my husband talks to her every other day and I wouldn’t in a million years expect to be treated by my MIL equal to my husband in fact I would find that weird. I’m. not her child!

Why are you so often offering to buy a grown man something like a souvenir?

Although it's clear that she's piping up because you're being rude by offering something to one person and not another when you're all family after 15 years.

"Dave tell your mom to stop buying those fucking Precious Moments dolls!"

Buying gifts for your daughter in law from time to time is also normal… hard to see you as a close knit family if you don’t see her as integral to it.
Have you had a good relationship with her?

I’d feel completely smothered if my mum was calling me every 2 days, what can you possibly have to talk about? Maybe try reducing the phone calls to a set time every week or so and don’t call just before his wife is coming home. Stop asking him mundane boring questions too, if you don’t actually have anything interesting to talk to him about did you really need to call? A good relationship is about the quality of the conversation not quantity! Call him less frequently when there’s actually something to talk about and he may be more committed to the call.

DH often answers my phone if he's closer to it or I'm in the middle of something, much like he would if it was a landline that rang.

He has a brief chat with my parents/siblings/friend if it's one of them that calls then passes the phone over.

No one cares that this has happened. They appreciate that the call was answered and they treat him like a member of the family. Because he is.

@MyCyanShaker my husband’s mum has been a bit too much at times.
Both working full time but she would call him during working hours, sometimes a couple of times a day and also often just as we were getting home/ doing dinner/ catching up. Plus weekends 8 am on a Saturday.

We put in strategies like muting the phone, leaving it downstairs on weekends and so on.

Don’t be like that. Be respectful of their time and their nuclear family. Once a week is sufficient for a catch up call, twice at most.

Let them live their lives.

So a grown man who is closer to his wife than his mother? And is a somewhat thoughtful husband? The horror!
Normal mothers would be delighted that their sons marriage is still so strong after 9 years!

You clearly think something is off and it’s hard to capture all of that in a post. I think what’s happened here is that the few examples given don’t sound the worst taken in isolation. But I think you should listen to your gut and maybe ask the brother to check in but maybe don’t be too explicit as to why at this point. I think you have to tread carefully here because they live far away and you don’t see them much and you don’t want lines of communication to be cut. It must be so hard being so away and not really know how he is doing. I know he’s an adult but I don’t think that stops worrying about them. Best wishes x

@MyCyanShaker your son is irritated with you. He’s rushing to get off the phone because he’s finding your regular calls too much.

Yoi don’t have to agree with that, but that’s the situation. Rather than rushing to blame his wife, I think you need to consider that this is coming from him. If you are as close as you say you are, you can ask him ‘son, are my calls too much, you always seem to be in a rush to end them’

Start there.

They are a pair. She chimes in because she, wrongly it seems, assumes that if you love your son you love her.

sounds like he loves his wife and they have a healthy relationship - he prefers talking to her! To say she’s controlling cos she answers his phone with the only other example that she chimes in on the calls is crazy. I answer my husbands phone if he’s not there or busy and I see it’s some I know. I chime in to his mum sometimes (lol but you’re not my MIL because mine doesn’t think this is strange and will just chat to me instead!)

If his wife isn't around he doesn't talk to you for more that 5 minutes. If his wife is around he uses her as an excuse to get off the phone. He doesn't want to talk to you. I don't know why you're blaming her if he doesn't even want to talk when she's not there.

The fact that you seem to call precisely when she's coming home makes you the creepy controlling one.

Yes, it is too much.

Yes. This is why he has nothing to say to you. This is why he is irritable with you.

You are smothering and refusing to accept his wife (comments about not buying her a gift and only him).

Take a step back. Maybe only call once a weekz ask when the best time/day is. Or ask him to call you when convenient.

Thank you for seeing where I’m coming from. I don’t like how he went from generally upbeat on the phone to seeming agitated just from a neutral question his own mother is asking. Or how his wife answers his phone like his secretary or how if I ask my son what he wants as a gift when I’m traveling for example his wife chimes in with what she wants like hello I’m his wife get me something too or she will sometimes randomly pop into the phone call and I’m not aware she is even around. I’m his mother at times I want to have a one on one private conversation with him. I understand his wife is the priority but that doesn’t mean his own mother should be downgraded to acquaintance status. What should I say when my son says things like surely you aren’t thinking of just getting me something and excluding my wife. Unless it’s my birthday it’s rude to by for one half of the couple and not the other or if his wife chimes in and says ohh a mug for me would be nice?

what could my younger son say to him? I don’t want to send him in as a flying monkey or do his dirty work for me but coming from another guy and his younger brother that he is close to may be perceived better by him. Thank you so much for your support and understanding as to what I’m going through. It breaks my heart as his mother

Also, you're old enough to remember when your son had a landline and god forbid she'd have answered that all the time. Why wouldn't she now just because you're weird?