AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I wonder if it's fake or a reverse. Perhaps OP is the DIL imitating MIL 😂

@MyCyanShaker why are you so insistent that he hangs up the phone when she comes in because she’s controlling? Can you not grasp that maybe he uses her as an excuse to get off the phone to you? Maybe he doesn’t want to be chatting to you and that’s the easy way out rather than saying he doesn’t want to answer your call. And maybe she picks up his phone sometimes because otherwise he wouldn’t. Lots of people don’t like talking on the phone, I don’t and very rarely call my parents unless it’s something that needs a quick reply, we text instead. Maybe try that and see if he’s more receptive to talking to you.

Can you enlighten me with the edit?
I can only see a partial reply of the the original before the edit….

@TammyJonesthe op wrote a post that said something like ‘well if he still talks to his brother, it can’t be the wife trying to isolate him’ and then edited to say she felt attacked. The first post sounded like it wasn’t from the MIL’s POV, which has thrown the thread into some confusion, and now people think it’s either a reverse, or fake?

@TammyJones it's this one. Page 26.

Can someone fill in the blanks? I can’t find the edited post. 😬😢

Seen it, just a troll post then. Dull!

It's pretty clear that it seems fake, imo. No reason for OP to quote her original post to say she felt attacked. Looks like she had a bit of a slip-up with which account she was posting from. 🙃

It’s not unreasonable to have concerns.

I wouldn’t ask the younger brother unless you’re 100% sure he won’t say “mum is worried”… also don’t mention the wife.

IF this is an abusive relationship and If
she is being coercive and controlling then be careful not to give her a reason not to like you, don’t give her the fuel she needs to say to him “see I told you your family don’t like me!’

My SIL is a narcissist, she was always quiet when they visited, visits got less and less frequent, u til we wouldn’t see him from one Christmas til the next (literally)…
Then when they got a huge compensation pay out she wanted to move to Spain, then the real poisoning began…
long story short they went years without talking to us all, wouldn’t even send photos of the young children, just nastiness.
Everything we did or didn’t do was used against us…. If we went out there
to visit she would make us cry with her paranoid nonsense … I’d be Bro gave us too much attention she’d storm off in a jealous rage so that he’d follow and then spend the rest of the evening with her .. I was once left in a nightclub in Spain on my own while my brother was trying to calm her down ‘because he’d paid me (his sister) too much attention’ - keeping in mind I saw him a week or 2 a year!
SO Then I stopped going out there, as did other family members (which was her plan all along!) Then that gave her the fuel to slag us all off for not bothering with them!… vie not speaking or photos for years!

My advice would be to play her game, always be nice to her, never express concerns about her or the marriage or infer that.. always be super nice to her, never disagree or be drawn into argument's, just say ‘oh we all have the right to our own opinions and views, no one’s wrong, just different… etc…. If she’s winding you up make an excuse to leave the room…
”Oh goodness I really must pop to the loo”…
then when you come back talk about something else entirely. That sort of thing.

Invite them round for meals, Don’t stop asking even if they always say no, so she can’t accuse you of never bothering or treating another brother differently… always be one step ahead …
mid the brother takes him for a catch up, don’t prime him on why, just suggest they meet up for a general catch up.. look what happened between the two princes when William dared to question Harry about getting married so fast!
Ive been on both sides of this behaviour and if he is being manipulated and controlled he will be the last to see it!

I remember op saying he’s close to his brother , so the wife can’t be trying to isolate him…. I thought then the op was seeing reason.
So we think this is fake ( which I mentioned in an earlier post)
Rage bait, or DIL who will then show mil this thread, as evidence she’s a Bat*t Narcissist , who should back off and leave her/ them alone?
@candylebon

Some really helpful posts here OP hope you take them on board.

Respectfully, I think you need to back off. Neither your son or his wife sound remotely as if they are in a marriage where one is controlling the other or even as if they are trying to distance themselves from you! The best way for your son to FEEL close to you is for you to treat them as a unit, not to feel resentful when he mentions to you what she would also like when you are offering him something. Include her anyway.. make it automatic. Unless she is some kind of monster, it is preferable for a mother in law to treat a son or daughter in law as an extra grown up child.. they will appreciate it, your son will appreciate it, and if you are able to have warm feelings towards your daughter in law (as hopefully you can if she is a nice, reasonable person) then you could appreciate it too, enjoying the relationship you have with her.

I get that the dynamics can be tricky to negotiate sometimes but having had a pretty unreasonable mother in law myself, I was determined to never by "that mother in law" to my daughter in law. I get that my son is going to put his wife and our grand daughter before us and his siblings and I welcome that. We laugh about how crap he is answering my texts and calls at times; I know he'll get back to me eventually. I also know I'm still the first person he will contact, with certain queries and concerns he has.. but I doubt it would be that way if I behaved in any kind of pushy or resentful way around his marriage boundaries.. if I'd created a dynamic where he had any inkling I was cagey or jealous around his priorities and loyalties involving his wife, I would fully expect to be held at more of a distance.

We are supposed to let them grow up and away from us.. sons in particular perhaps - it's how we know we have done a decent job. It doesn't mean they don't care about us or they are being "controlled" by their partners.

I really would advise you to back off and try to stop feeling resentful because those vibes are very easy to pick up on even if you don't voice them directly..,and can ruin relationships

This is the OP’s conflicting post.

Oh wow … completely conflicting

I think they may be in the USA...mom is the clue

We bring up our children until they are old enough to fly the nest. They are not "ours". Children maintain different levels of contact with their parents when they leave home and marry. Some speak regularly and others less so. It depends on their personalities. Speaking every day or even 3 times a week for as long as 15 minutes each time sounds a lot to me. My sons and I speak a few times a month, unless there is something special going on and we are all happy with that. I also expect them to put their spouses first...I would consider it a poor marriage if they didnt. But, there again, each family is different.

What concerns me is that you dont seem to consider you DiL as family. I consider both my sons's wives as part of my family, and their parents also feel.the same towards my sons. It sounds as if you view your DiL as a competitor for your son's attention and not an addition to your family and dont truly accept her.

You say that your husband phones your MiL regularly, but I imagine she is elderly, which means he keeps an eye on her. You on the other hand have your own marriage and are working.

Instead of blaming your DiL for your son's lack of undivided attention to you, maybe you need to have a serious look at your expectations of attention from.a young married Man who.happens to be your son

So has this whole post just been rage bait? It worked, I’ve been absolutely glued to this thread 😆

Oh for God’s sake, Really?? When will I see sense and stop wasting my time and energy on crap like this?!

You have asked a question and then argue with everyone who disagrees with you, hence your disregard for your son’s wife.
Please realise that he is a grown up who should be prioritising his wife, who he chose and whom he loves. You’re simply jealous. I really am glad I don’t have a MIL if that is what they’re like!

What’s going on in his life mostly involves his wife surely. Whatbcould you possibly want to talk to him about that’s “private”? It makes it sound as though something has to be kept secret from his wife.

Mothers and sons may have some kind of special bond, but the bond between husband and wife surpasses that.

I really dislike reverse posts

So you don't actually care if he enjoys or even wants such frequent phone calls with you, because it is your "right" as a mother to impose yourself on his and his wife limited time, and they don't have a choice in the matter? No wonder he only gives you the bare minimum amount of his attention every time you call.

People are telling you the answer, he is independent and doesn't want/need you to be in contact as frequently as you are, he obviously tolerates it, but everything you have said points to the fact that he doesn't enjoy it.

Maybe one day the penny will drop.

Could be a big wind up of course, more likely to be a quoted copy & paste maybe & then a change of mind re doing that??

But just maybe ds thinks 3 times a week is too much? The only way to know is if she stops calling and waits for his call, it sounds like he is getting irritated with the calls as he only has 2 hours before work and working nights is stressful enough, mil makes it clear she doesn't like his wife so I'm sure it makes the son feel uncomfortable.

If this had said married for 2 years and not 5 I'd be convinced this was my MIL.
What I've learnt

• Close Knit = Emeshed

• Hard to see him pulling away = can't accept your son is an autonomous adult

• we've always been close/he's always been independent / he's becoming more distant = He put up with the toxic dynamic for a quiet life, and he's finally realised he doesn't have to deal with it

• Worried his wife is isolating him because he prioritises her = cannot accept you're not his #1 anymore.

• Worried his wife is controlling = Cannot accept that he might just not want to talk to you.

I've been dealing with an MIL exactly like this for years. She blames me for everything, thinks I'm isolating and controlling DH because he rarely texts, calls or visits. The reality is the family dynamic is Emeshed and toxic as hell. Its been made clear I'm not family and nothing to do with me or my family is as important as MILs family of 5. It's also been made clear that I've ruined their family because DH now has boundaries. DH has talked to his mum about how toxic the dynamic is, things change for a few months then go to shit again... and ultimately he went low contact because he didn't want to deal with it. He calls and texts occasionally but sees his parents very rarely because I went completely no contact with MIL.

I've made it very clear that I have no issue with DH seeing his family, as long as I don't have to go. He responded by making it very clear he would rather spend his time with the family he chose, because the family he was born into are toxic and drain him.

You should reflect on why your son is pulling away. Really reflect and be accountable