AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I don’t phone my son he usually phones me about maybe once a fortnight but he does visit every couple of months.
it sounds as though you are seen as interfering, which is probably unfair , but his reaction seems to suggest that.
Cut back on phone calls - why not watsapp then you can do that when he’s at work. My family are all on a watsapp group.

Yes but YOU are not HIS primary family. His wife is. As she should be.

your OP doesn’t sound like you are very demanding and unwilling to adapt your relationship to reflect your lessening priority to your son. You sound like you are kind of annoying. Asking too many questions, wanting him to stay in a call where he would rather just a quick chat.

your other ds relationships with you are irrelevant. Every person has a different personality. Some people talk to their parents daily. Others weekly. Others every few weeks.

I understand you OP, my brother is in a similar relationship. Like he's always on edge and worried about upsetting his wife, we are only short closed conversations. Every decision he makes is about what whether his wife would be okay with it. We used to be a close family and now he is very distant.

I think because he is a man, sadly you aren't going to get supportive replies here. Is is hard to know what to do

That’s just the way it is.

Look, I am sorry you are feeling sad over this. But your son is now a grown man with his own family unit. That’s life. Be happy he’s found someone he loves and wants to spend his life with.

Its been 14 years.

I mean, they ARE a unit. If it’s not his birthday why not get a gift for them both? That they can enjoy together?

his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on
Isn’t this a good thing!? Means they have a nice and happy relationship?

in the process I’m diminished to acquaintance status and as his mum it hurts.

Have you considered that he is putting in boundaries because you don’t like his wife and you try to create separation between them?

YANBU OP but on here you will get little sympathy as you’re a MIL and the DIL can do no wrong

@Boredlass I think given the OPs responses many people are in no doubt the DIL is not the one with the issue here.

Is this a recent change?

The honest answer here, OP, is that no one here will know. You've got nothing to go on other than his wife occasionally answering his phone and not responding to texts, which sounds pretty normal to me. But then only you will know if it 'feels' different. There are subtleties and nuance that no one here would see.

My son is 26 and single. We often speak on the phone and text. I see him weekly. But I fully expect that to change when he marries.

I think some of the responses have been worded harshly but controlling women do exist. I wouldn't expect there to be a noticeable shift after 14 years but only you will know the nature and frequency of your (attempted) communication with him.

She is number one in his life. You sound like you resist being relegated. This makes you very stressful for him and likely make him want to distance himself.
What are the things she’s asking for?

If your DS works nights, and his wife has been at work all day, then of course he wants to be present for her when she gets home from work. That's likely their key time together.

How often are you ringing him? It comes across that you can't bear that he now has another woman as his priority. The relationship and closeness you had when he was growing up has changed. You have to take a step back a bit.

I can imagine they're probably bemused at the frequent gift giving, as though you're trying to buy back his attention. They're inserting DIL to prove their point that they're an adult couple now. He's no longer your little boy.

For all those saying that maybe he's just happy and trying to maintain a distance/get on with his life, etc, please consider that he may be in a relationship that has slowly and gradually become controlling. That's what happened to me, over the space of nearly 30 years, to the point where I was bottom of my own list in terms of taking care of myself, and the priority was always her and what she wanted. It started as a deeply loving relationship, and was so for many years, but ended up as a horroshow that affected me for years after I left.
If this applies to your son, I hope he finds himself, and finds happiness.

You have created “the other woman” dynamic in your own head though. You are competing with your DIL for his attention.

I’m not being nasty to you, really. It’s hard when they grow up. But you have to let go. You have to let them have a relationship with you on thier terms.

I expect your son is using his wife getting home as an excuse to get off the phone from you.
You sound controlling, and jealous of your son’s poor wife!

I've been with my husband a similar amount of time to your son and DIL, since we were quite young. As we've grown older and our own responsibilities have increased his mother's expectations for contact & position in his life have seemed less and less reasonable. Since we had children he has also been considering his own parenting and realising some patterns were not healthy or in his best interests.

Of course you would like your son to behave respectfully and caringly towards you, but as a mature adult he should have his own priorities in life.

You seem to be able to ask him openly about these things, perhaps you could try respecting his answers - of course you are entitled to your feelings, but he is not responsible for them.

what is the aim of the gift giving? Is it is to make him feel happy and loved??

he is communicating really clearly that the way to make him feel happy and loved by you is to treat his wife in the same way as you treat him.

we do anything for our children, right? Including listening to what they are saying and acting on it.

he wants the two most important women in his life to love each other.

she answers his phone to you. I think that’s great actually- the number of posts where a woman won’t have anything to do with her MIL is astonishing.

I think you need to reframe this. He has clearly communicated that the way to be closer to him is to be close to his wife too and treat her equally. Do that and I think you’ll find your relationship with your son improves.

He is sensing that you are turning things into a competition with his wife (who can hold his attention the longest) and he is pulling back.

write down a list of all the amazing things about your DIL (starting with she makes your son happy) and read it every morning.

I have both a son and a daughter. If either of their partners were to answer a call to me, I would be delighted, honestly. The fact that they answered my call would be really nice. It would suggest that they are happy to speak to me.

He just doesn’t want to spend time with you like that anymore. You’re gonna have to accept it, I have to encourage DH to spread time with his mum but after 10 years I totally understand why he doesn’t want to be around her. It’s a you problem, back off him.

You are clearly not going to listen to what any of us are telling you, but for what it's worth, you are absolutely the problem here, not your daughter in law.

My MiL called DHs phone the other day. I saw him notice it was ringing and head towards the garden. I answered it and made sure he took the call. He loves his mum, they have a good relationship but sometimes he can’t be bothered with a long phone chat but I knew she wanted to check in with him.

I'm sorry you experienced that and the erosion of your sense of self.

In a similar dynamic, my husband had been taught by his mother (and father) to prioritise her feelings above anything else - he transferred this to me at the start of our relationship, and despite me not wanting this kind of control over another, it has been hard work for both of us to break this cycle.

It's also possible that the DIL in this instance is does not want this either.

With all due respect I'm sure you have / are a wonderful mum but priorities change as people get older and life happens meaning people have less time.
How often do you call him? I love my mum to pieces but I dont speak to her on the phone very often - maybe every couple of weeks or if I need something (or vice versa).
Im also a DIL and I wouldn't think twice about answering my DH phone if I saw it was his mum as she's my family too and I feel maybe you dont see it that way. I'd also say that I dont think my MIL has ever bought my DH a gift and not me - in fact it's probably the other way round as she finds me easier to buy for.

You do have the right to buy for him individually but it will go down like a lead balloon when you do. My MIL does this, never buys me birthday presents but will spend lavishly on my husband. My mum on the other hand spends equally (down to the pound) for both me and my husband. I'm not saying either one is right, it's just different family cultures. But I know which ones makes someone feel more welcomed and included within the family.

I think you need to reframe this. He has clearly communicated that the way to be closer to him is to be close to his wife too and treat her equally. Do that and I think you’ll find your relationship with your son improves.

👏

It’s hard to tell from this if he is in a controlling situation, or if he just wants a low level of contact. what do his siblings think, do they share your concerns?

Kindly - I think you need to see a therapist.