AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Nope...you are being ridiculous 🙄 I've have a son and a daughter ....both have partners....they are adults...and live very busy happy lives....I love them but I also have my own private life....don't need daily phone call etc..get over yourself...this is why many people grey rock and do low contact with parents or family members....just to needy 🤨

There is literally nothing stopping him calling you when she is at work.

Or calling you on his lunch break. Women that are in controlling relationships are often unable to work. That isn't happening here. He doesn't want to call you.

What is happening here is that you call him multiple times a week at the exact moment his wife who he sees rarely is coming home. They both see through you.

They're probably making fun of how petty you sound offering mugs to a grown ass man and not his wife trying to buy him like a toddler with sweets.

Why do you think you need to tell your youngest what to say?

Or how his wife answers his phone like his secretary or how if I ask my son what he wants as a gift when I’m traveling for example his wife chimes in with what she wants like hello I’m his wife get me something too or she will sometimes randomly pop into the phone call and I’m not aware she is even around.

OK.

It's her home. Why wouldn't she be around?

If you were buying a gift when travelling, why wouldn't you get something for both of them?

I've been with my partner for 4 years. His mum is 88. If she phoned and he wasn't in the room, I'd answer his phone too. Just in case there was a problem. It doesn't mean I'm his secretary.

Personally, I d think it's important that family members have 121 relationships with their own family and, for that reason, I go out with each of my adult children alone sometimes and my partner visits his mum and adult children without me. But I think that if you're calling someone at home, you can't be surprised if their partner is there.

If she starts asking other people it will come axross as shit stirring, and that is exactly what it is! There are no issues here apart from the ones op is making up. She will push them further away if she continues.

If it is too much for your son, then yes it's too much! Have you asked him what regularity of contact would work for him given his schedule and responsibilities?

I’ve name changed for this post for reasons.

My partner’s mum probably also thinks I am controlling and mean to him.
She has asked him in private if his relationship is in trouble and if he is depressed.

He can be a bit impatient with her at times and can be very quiet when we visit. What she doesn’t know is that he finds her difficult and exhausting. He clams up because he is bored and irritated. I then talk more to try and fill the awkward silences which further fuels the idea that he has no voice, no agency etc I’ve explained this makes things awkward for me to him.

She also doesn’t know that I am the one who practically forces him to call her once a week and I am the one who suggests and facilitates visits to her. I have stepped back from doing this and he hasn’t seen her for several months. If I don’t arrange it, it doesn’t happen because he doesn’t want to. I am not his assistant so I am not there to arrange his diary.

She’s not a bad person but she is draining. He would absolutely not want to speak to her every other day and I don’t know many adult children who do speak that often. What on earth would you have left to talk about!

.@MyCyanShakeryou know your son and none of us can say there are no issues in his marriage but from what you have said here, I see no red flags about her or their relationship.

Your son is clearly telling you that his wife is important to him and he wants her to be treated well by you and it sounds like you have excluded her. He’s pissed off that you continue to do that so try and shift that and see what the outcome is.

You seem desperate to find a stick to bash your DIL with, OP.

I agree

I have a great relationship with my MIL, similar length of time married. I will and have answered my DH phone if he’s not in reach if it. I will say “hi DH is just in the garden let me grab him, how are you doing etc” I also tend to be present for most of his phone calls as it’s the evening and we live together.

My MIL treats me the same as my DH, she’s very caring. I was going through a rough patch and she actually called to specifically ask how I was doing.

Due to this I don’t feel like I’m in competition or there’s any issues. I push my DH to see his family more as I like them.

OP, I think you need to work on relationship with DIL, that in turn will bring your son closer to you. He loves her, it’s his universe and you seem to not care.

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In your first post you said they’d been married for five years but in your second you said nine years, that’s a bit confusing.

It sounds to me like you don’t like your DIL and you’re blaming her for the distance between you and your son. She is his priority, she is his choice of life partner, and the only advice I can give you is to make some effort with her and maybe you’ll see a change in the relationship with your son. I had such a bad experience with my MIL that I swore I would never be like that with any DIL’s of mine, and I am very lucky that my son’s wife is lovely and we get on really well, but that has taken effort from both of us.

You talk about your DIL as though she’s unimportant to you, but she’s far from unimportant to your son, and you’d do well to remember that.

How often would your DS call you if you didn't call him OP? I think he is making it clear he finds the 3 times a week a bit much.

I would too with my parents. I call them once a week, more only if I have something specific to discuss. My brother calls when he feels like it and that can sometimes be as little as once a month. But we are still a close family who love eachother dearly. We just all have our own lives to get on with.

My DH probably talks to his mother roughly once a week. I probably speak to her more than he does. And if I see it's her that's calling his phone I will always pick up for him. If she buys him souvenirs she will always buy me something as well and my parents will buy my DH something too.

How you would like your relationship with your DS and DIL to be is not wrong but I think you will find from the responses on here that it's you that is out of the ordinary. Most children call their parents around weekly, most people would buy their in-laws souvenirs and it's very normal to answer your partner's phone when it's their mother calling.

Lots of people have difficult relationships with their mothers because their mothers are difficult people. Your son obviously loves his wife very much so everytime you try and criticise her or exclude her, it upsets him.

You don't seem to have much self-awareness. You obviously see yourself as a beloved matriarch with your sons revolving round you like stars round a moon. However, your son has built a life and a family with his wife and she is the most important person in his life. He will always put her first and you don't seem to realise that your behaviour is actually pushing him away.

OP out of interest how often do you feel you should have contact with your son ?
I speak to my mum probably about once every 3 weeks or so. Sometimes it’s been longer. I speak to my dad (my parents are not together) once every 3 months probably ! Usually a few WhatsApp in between. I love them both, and had a great happy childhood, but I’m an adult now, with a life 250 mile away from them. They have their own lives too & don’t call me more frequently.
You mentioned your other son speaks to you everyday. Personally I find this strange.. what on earth do you have to talk about !?

If either of my parents called me and I wasn’t near my phone but my partner was, I don’t think they would have any issue at all with him answering it. Would you prefer your daughter in law to just let it ring off and no one answer it ?

And I find the gift giving thing utterly bizarre… you mentioned holiday souvenirs. My in-laws would always buy something for my husband and myself if they were buying souvenirs from a holiday. As would my parents for my DH. I would find it quite rude if my in laws specifically gifted my husband something and not include me.
She’s been a part of his life for 14 years !?
Out of curiosity- if they had children, would you buy your son and grandchildren a souvenir and still exclude her ?

How reciprocal are the conversations that you are having on the phone with your son? Do you do most of the talking, with him mumbling along agreeing to things or making the odd noise / comment ? Is it usually you who calls him?
If so I’m afraid this is likely just the way your relationship is with your son and nothing to do with your DIL.

Every two days?! No wonder he is being distant with you. Stop interfering in his life for god sake

You seem to be confusing feelings and behaviour. My children had a play date the other day. I treated their friends the same as them, well actually better because their guests. When one hurt themsleves and cried I gave him a hug and a bumper. I don’t love those children, they’re OK and they are my children’s friends so I make sure they feel welcome in my home and want to be here.

If you want your son to be happy then you need to treat his wife well. If you don’t then you will cause distance. It’s your choice OP but lots of people are giving to advice which will make your son happy.

I wondered if this was a winde up also.
when you marry your partner becomes the priority…..think it even says that in the bible.
But my mil was like you.
Guilt trip right left and centre
you must back off and leave them be or you will lose him.
Which is what happened in our case
my dh just switched off from it
I have 4 children
my single son rings a lot - the others not so much (married)
man’s that’s ok
they still love me
you get 18 years with them and then your job is over.
you , like my mil did a good job.
My advise to you would be to focus on your own life - get a new hobby - empty nest is a bitch, but those days have gone.
let them come to you.

This is so lovely! It doesn't need to be grand gestures. It's the little things that matter that show you've been thought of.

Was reading through and thinking this can't be a real post and this is where us clearly becomes an obvious wind up

My MIL treats me the same as DH and worships the ground DS walks on, her and FIL usually call or video call once a week if they are chatting to DH and I'm doing something else in another room I always go and speak to them and they always ask after me, we have a family WhatsApp group and message on there too. They fully include me. We see them a couple of times a month even though they live an hour and a half away and we both work full time.
DH is closer to his mum now than when he was younger.
Your expectations of a call every two days is too much, he's making excuses to get you off the phone, and oh DW is home got to go, is the easiest one. Try embracing your DIL your son clearly loves her, it might even make your relationship better.

Why does he live 13 hours away?

If I’m on the phone when DH comes home from work, I end the call. He doesn’t control me in any way, but I speak to my mum regularly and I think it’s rude to ignore my husband over a phone call I can have any other time.

I answer DH’s phone when I see MIL calling and he’s no where near his phone. We’re not close but we get on well enough that I think it’s more disrespectful to let the phone ring out rather than get answered by me and have a brief chat.

Do you ever buy your DIL gifts? I wonder if that’s what he’s hinting at.

Sometimes there’s a simple answer rather than the DIL being the problem.

Oh dear. I'm very glad my mil doesn't have the same expectations as you. I actually think it's quite rude of you to exclude your dil from your holiday souvenirs... who does that?

Also sometimes if I see that mil is calling dh but he's not available I will pick up on his behalf to tell her that. From my point of view it's because I assume it's something important (otherwise she would send a message), and also to put her at ease that there's nothing wrong with him and he's just tied up at the moment.

Babe, he ran and kept on running!