AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I call him every 2 days and asking for 15 minutes or so of his time

I think this is probably the root of the problem.

My son and I probably speak once every 7-14 days on the phone for anything between 30 mins and 2 hours depending when we cover everything from politics, what's going on in our lives, whatever book he's currently reading, a date he's been on, what's going on at work, a gig we both want to go to etc.

I wouldn't want to speak to him every 2 days - we'd have nothing to talk about!

I was a bit on the fence after your op but, tbh, Reading your updates, I think your expectations are probably the issue.

What can you say in 15 mins every 2 days beyond, "How are you?" And "What have you been up to?" When the answer is not much over the last 48 hours.

That sounds more like you're looking for validation that you're still his priority rather than indicating a good relationahip.

Rereading your op in light of your updates, it sounds like he is trying to put some boundaries in place rather than she is controlling him. If I'm honest.

You’re right that’s what makes it so much harder I see him but once a year so I can’t see his face or really gauge how he looks but he’s my son I sense something is off. What could I get my youngest son to say? The one he is the closest to?

DHs younger brother speaks to their mum daily. DH is every few days. Older brother once a week, might on occasion pop in if they're over that way.

They're allowed to be different. It's absolutely ok for one person to want daily contact and another to want less.

Take your cue from him or you will lose him entirely.

You're sounding more ridiculous with every post OP. Every two days is suffocating. What do you possibly have to talk about so often? You say yourself that you ask mundane questions. I can imagine he probably rolls his eyes every time the phone goes. Reduce the contact and you'll have more meaningful conversations when you do catch up. Your DIL answering his phone could be her being helpful as she's near the phone and he's not....or him showing you he's not available to you as much as you are demanding. Your son is probably too polite to say "mum, can you please not ring so often ".

Same with the gift giving. It's just not necessary and comes across as you trying to enforce some ownership of your son, or treat him like a little boy.

Our job is to nurture our children to go on and create their own individual lives where they build their own relationships which become their mainstay and their priority. That's our cue to step back and let them live their new lives. You seem unable to accept that your son has grown and moved on with his life and you want to keep that old 'mummy/son' dynamic. You'll end up pushing him further and further away if you can't respect his need for space from you.

Apparantly it is; to him. Why don't you tell your son to call you next time when he wants and you'll see how long it takes. He's got free moments so id he doesn't call it's because he doesn't want to- not because he's not allowed to by controlling wife.

It is very rude to ask for you to buy gifts though. I would never ask my Mil for gifts nor my parents because I wasn't raised to be entitled. I wonder if she does it on purpose; she has picked up on you not liking her and it's a private joke btw them that she asks for something too.

When she answers the phone- maybe it's your son who moans "oh it's mum again" and she wants to help him out. You do sound very overbearing. I'm very close to my Mil- she's like a second mother to me. But then again she has always respected boundaries and is never overbearing. And most importantly I can feel her love for both my DH and me.

I think that your middle son calling you every day is a bit enmeshed and quite unusual. Are your other sons in relationships? Are you vulnerable in some way that you need a daily phone call from your adult children?

This is certainly a possibly and something a lot of women on MN don’t like to admit or acknowledge- women can be just as controlling/abusive as men.

I’m sorry this happened to you @InterestedDad37

many people are saying that your expectations are unreasonable and you are arguing that your expectations are perfectly reasonable so there’s not much point discussing it further - you believe you’re in the right so carry on.

As they say first post nailed it. Well for me anyway.

And this post explains exactly why you're being pushed out.
He doesn't want to phone you daily, few adults do. From the sounds of it she works days whilst he works nights so they get very little time together so yes when she gets home he wants to spend time/talk with her not you.
If your bringing a gift back from holiday you do it for both not just him.
It's clear from your post that you don't like her and treat her badly which is why you are being shut out.
If you want to fix your relationship with your son back off let him call you and start treating his wife as a with respect and as an equal to him

All your posts speak to me of you feeling resentful. You’re not even listening to posters, let alone your son, poor chap

I will cut back on the calls to once a week and see if that helps. What do you see that is controlling? Is it the answering my son’s phone or asking for a gift? My son thinks I should always treat them except on his bday like a pair it seems my DIL thinks I should too

They sound very happily married to me, and I would hsve no concerns all. I think you will have to accept he is living his own life, and that’s as it should be.

If you know his wife gets home at 6pm (for example) then why do you always call at this time? Why not call at 4pm?

This.

OP I have 4 adult sons all married or with long term partners. I am often taken to task by one DIL that I don't phone/contact enough!
It's all relative what one person thinks is interference is another person's idea of being close.
Once your DCS are long term attached the dynamic always alters, and I think imo you are wrong to criticise your DIL, she should be his priority and bearing in mind his lifestyle re work patterns etc why not What's App instead of ringing so he can stay in touch and respond when it's convenient. Does your son stay in contact with his Dad. My sons often call my DH for a chat or advice about a DIY project, and I will get news of their lives second hand (so to speak).
My life is too busy to constantly be in touch, but it is all (as I said) relative, and opinions will differ as to how much contact is too much.

My mother obviously loves me more (secretly)

She treats my husband as an equal / extra child.
She buys him gifts of equal sometimes greater value if she sees something he'd like.

She also picks up small things for him she knows he'd like (chocolate bars, a girlfriend tool) And sends him the odd message with funny clips or whatever often football based.

She build an independent relationship with him. She drove that and did the hard yards for me. Because of me.

You don't seem open to it but taylor swift style "hi! It's me. I'm the problem its me"

Even if you are "right" you aren't what you are currently doing isnt working for you.
Definition of insanity and all that...

Yes. Sounds like he can’t be bothered with that much phone call time. Just send a text instead sometimes. And stop being horrible to his wife.

Your DIL is probably picking up the phone as he doesn’t want to. She’s being kind to you there. He’s probably dreading mundane questions from you and having nothing to say having only spoken to you two days beifre. Have you ever thought of it that way?

It’s hard when they live a distance away. My son has moved to the country is fiancé is from, I won’t get to see him often, it’s been 5 months now, they will probably visit around christmas. They have their own life and that’s a good thing. Of course I miss him, I had 23 years of him living at home. But I am happy he has his own life now.

Not at all. I recognise that my contact with my mum would be ‘too much’ for the vast majority of people and that it’s not ‘normal’.

It is the fact that he’s showing you all of the signs that HE thinks it’s too much and you’re refusing to see them. If my husband’s parent(s) call him once a week or once a fortnight that is too much for him.

That’s the point - clearly he doesn’t want that level of contact or he would be happily having it and you wouldn’t be posting this.

It is also a fact though - in the majority of cases sons and mums are less close than daughters and mums.

However, the more you post, the more it’s obvious what the problem is (or who - you!). You are very pushy with your views and agenda. That’s probably what he’s avoiding. No relationship will ever flourish just because you (or society) says it should. Read the room. He’s pulling away the relationship you’re trying to force on him. Don’t blame your daughter in law for that - you’ll just push him further away.

They are a pair op!

They are a pair. Why are you so keen to not treat them as a pair?

Ohh OP I was thinking the same thing. Yes if it was a DD would there be such negativity pointed towards you by MN’ters
I agree have a word with your other DS and see if he can get a sense of your son is ok. It could be he is stressed with work or perhaps there is nothing to worry about. You do what is right for you and hopefully put your mind at rest.

You sound just horrible, OP. Really spiteful, controlling and resentful.

Every post you write frames your son’s choices as your DIL’s fault. You’re refusing to see what seems perfectly obvious to those on this thread: you are demanding, over-attached and unkind.

Yes. Because I am a daughter and know that if my mother was acting like this towards my DH I'd be furious with her.