AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I’m confused as well. What kind of presents are they when you live 13 hours apart? Are you posting them or buying online and having them delivered to DS. Are you in America OP you speak of ‘mom’?

38 pages of responses and OP has learned nothing.

I believe the relationship would improve if the calls were less frequent. Maybe once a week at most for a decent catchup. If I only had a 2 hour window each day, I too would be irritated if my mother kept calling to talk about mundane stuff.

It can be a hard pill to swallow that the child we birth grows up, gets a partner and doesn't need a close relationship with us any more. It's life though and we don't own any human being, no matter how close the child/parent relationship once was. Your DS is allowed to choose how he wants to live his life and you have no rights over him. My own MIL used to be like this and would say "he was mine first".

You blame the DIL for the holiday situation, but I'd bet my house that your DS was fully on board with having no contact for that week. He was on holiday FFS and spending quality time with his wife. No reason at all to be having calls or texts with mummy while he's trying to unwind and chill.

‘I’m going to have his youngest brother the one he is closest to talk to him.’

Oh my word, please don’t do this!

Wow you are so defensive! You asked the question and now you don’t like the answers. Just because you’re close to your other children doesn’t mean you’re automatically close to this son, he clearly prefers his wife’s company, and so he should. Have you thought that he’s maybe a bit annoyed that you are ringing him just as his wife is coming home? If he works nights, he’ll be going to work soon and probably wants to spend his time with her before he goes, not on the phone to mummy!

I have a married son and a married daughter. Both have children. I expect them to put their partners and childrens needs before mine and, if they didn't, I would have failed as a parent myself. Step back before they do.

I think you need to step back. Otherwise, you are pushing him away. Respect the thing about the presents. It is obviously important to them. It’s not a big deal to get your DIL a mug at the same time as you get your son a T-shirt.

Speak to your son on his day off work when he phones you. Maybe have a really honest conversation with him and say look I’m going to stop phoning you but please phone me at least once a week when it suits you. Then he would’ve picked the time and it won’t be in the only two hours he has free that day. He’ll be less tired and you’ll have better conversations..

I think it is polite of him to come off the phone to you when his wife comes in. She is there in real life and they don’t get that much time together either.

With her answering the phone, I expect it’s because he’s in the bathroom or something when you ring isn’t it? And it’s probably good to have a quick chat with her occasionally too until he can come to the phone.

That’s rubbish, the dil in this instance has done nothing wrong, why is it in anyway her fault what her husband chooses to do with his over bearing, interfering Mother? Mother clearly doesn’t like and is jealous of her dil, her son is right to resent that and distance himself. Being a mother doesn’t give you automatic rights to be the priority’ person in your children’s lives.

Your contributions to threads are normally illiterate rubbish and this post is no exception.

OP has the self-awareness and emotional intelligence of an amoeba. She is entirely self-centred and incapable of seeing anything from someone else's point of view. Her son is obviously completely fed up with her and the way she treats his wife.OP's demands for phone calls every two days that last at least 15 minutes, with her calling just before her DIL comes home from work are ridiculous and obviously pissing her son off.

She is ruining her relationship with her son due to her behaviour and the more she pushes, the more he will pull back until they have no relationship at all. Her hatred and contempt for her DIL is dripping off her (she has called her the 'princess') so obviously her son must pick up on this. That is probably the reason why he and his wife have moved 13 hours away from her.

It sounds to me, that your Dil actually likes you and assumes you like her. When my husbands side phone him, I’ll answer his phone, say hi and go and get my husband. I don’t do that with people I’m not comfortable with. With the gifts, your Dil is assuming you love her, not being entitled, she’s thinking she’s part of your family. It’s a shame you didn’t embrace that when they married as she could be a wonderful gift to you.
Could you and he together set a particular time each week to talk to your Son, Sunday morning for 30 mins for example? His life sounds incredibly stressful and fast paced so perhaps this would enable him to relax a little with you?
Finally, before you ruin your relationship with him by accusing his wife of being controlling, try loving her and treating her like family and perhaps you will find that they naturally want to be around you more.

....and there it is: 'be downgraded to acquaintance status'.

That's the issue. You really need to get over yourself.

@MyCyanShaker you are deliberately mis-characterising what happens when your children become independent adults.

You can't force a relationship. They have to want it. And why would they want what you are offering at the moment?

Kindly, OP, this.

The wife returning gives him the excuse to escape your call.

Back off! That's his life partner you're belittling and he knows it. There's nothing unusual about a wife answering the husband's phone if he's not available.
He's getting suffocated and this is your doing.

I think it’s more difficult for you as they are so far away and so your only regular contact with your son is by phone. As they live 13 hours away, I think it’s very normal for them to visit you as a couple, as I would assume that they have to use up annual leave to visit, and they probably want to spend their time off from work together?

re: the gift situation. In my family and circle of friends, once married (or with a long term partner), gifts would be given to the couple as they are seen as a unit, apart from birthdays, of course. So, my parents went away recently and brought back a gift from their travels which was for me and DH (and the kids) to share. In fact, it would feel really strange if either my parents or my in-laws turned up with a gift and said it’s only for one part of the couple. So, perhaps that is the norm for your DS’s wife and he is in agreement with this way of doing things?

I also think that calling every 2 days is a lot. I wonder if you are trying to maintain the way the relationship was when he lived close by and you could have that easy small talk/intimacy that comes from seeing each other very regularly. Could you say to your DS that you really value keeping in touch and being up to date by with what’s going on in his life, and suggest you have a video call once a week perhaps? I would also make a point of asking about his wife and how she is in this conversation so she feels included but isn’t the main focus of the conversation. My DH speaks to his mum on the phone once a week, and as part of that conversation, a chunk will normally be about me and the kids. I will also chime in from time to time, or speak to her myself afterwards. My mil doesn’t think I’m being controlling or dominating her relationship with her son, and knows that we are integral and important in each others lives, and it is no issue at all.

He's agitated because you're not taking the hint and keep phoning him!

What on earth do you have to talk about for 15 minutes three times a week.

My mum lives nearby, I see her for a couple of hours twice a week (I'm divorced, she's 86 and we lost my dad 4 years ago). Honestly once a week would be fine but I'm an only child so I go for her sake.

Since I took on a more demanding job and started studying part-time she respects the fact I don't have the bandwidth for multiple phone calls a week and will just send a text checking in, and sometimes I'll drop a weekend visit because I need to study or catch up with other stuff.

You sound incredibly demanding with unrealistic expectations tbh.

op you are not listening, and I could see where you were coming from. Calling three times a week is too much. You also need to see DIL as family (you don't have to like her) - my parents and in-laws can be weird like this and it just makes things awkward

You probably have reason to be worried but nonetheless there is nothing you can do. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions and his own well being. I know it’s difficult but if you interfere you will make things worse and there will be no going back. Make sure he knows you are there for him if he needs you. Keep lines of communication open through his brothers if necessary.
I am not unsympathetic as I know this situation from my own experience but believe me you don’t want to get involved.

Controlling mother in law on the other hand …

Well spotted! I totally missed that!

Im going against the grain here but my MIL buys little things for my DH all the time just things she’s seen that she knows he will like and I would never expect to be included in that. She buys lovely things for me sometimes too if she knows I was looking for something in a particular colour she will get that for me and not have something for DH. I don’t think me and DH come as a unit at all we are individuals with our on families and we do prioritise our own parents in our lives - we see them all the time and enjoy spending time as a large family. I see my parents all the time without my DH and he does the same with his parents though we all get on very well.

If I were you I’d stop doing what you’re doing because it isn’t working. Just stop calling and stop buying the presents. Wait for your son to reach out and connect with you. Or you could send a standard text once a week just checking in but keep it really short and if he doesn’t reply don’t chase it.

I can't take credit, it was @slashlover who noticed it! But @MyCyanShaker must be laughing...posters have kept on going for a day and a half after it was pointed out! 😂

Yes, the wife may well be controlling because he’s got a controlling mother. Sadly, a pattern that typically repeats…. 🤷‍♀️

Theres probably a reason he lives 13 hours away.

Lets be honest he couldn't get much further away without changing country!!

I think why so many are disagreeing with you. Is because of the tone in which you talk about your dil. “Charming in” “princess” “answering his personal calls” middle son not keen on her. You don’t like her is the tone that you’re using. I can say if you use that tone with your son when talking about his wife he will be reluctant to talk to you. He has already had conversations with you in regards to his wife and how they work. Think why did HE do that? Because HE was unhappy with you.

you need to find some love for your dil and build a relationship with her too. 15 years is a long time. If you do that I’m sure your son will find more time for you.

if you had these concerns and hadn’t spoken so poorly about your dil people would probs think you had a point! However they went out the window when you showed your dislike about the dil. It’s sad!

I read your post to my husband and his response was wow she is not a kind mil and her son has already told her this.

One post has asked if OP is in America. I think she is as I noticed 'grey' spelt 'gray' and mom. My reason for pointing this out too is America being such a vast country it would be a 13 hour journey to see her son. That must be hard however OP befriend your DIL that way she will want to visit you. Also presuming they don't have kids yet. You really should make peace with this situation pre babies. You will feel awful if they don't want to see you when the grandkids arrive and cut you out of their lives. Please consider this and let them live their lives together.

OP. Your son chose his wife. He didn't choose his mother. Have some self-respect and respect for him and his wife. I hope they don't move to Australia without telling you. If I was his wife, that would be up for consideration.