AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

How many times a week do you message or call him? Do you mention to him that his brother calls you every day?

My husband has a similar dynamic with his mother. Initially she competed with me for his attention. Now she competes with her toddler grandchild for his attention. It’s sad to watch.

My husband is always quite quick to get off the phone as she just wants to talk about herself and her hobbies, or she asks intrusive questions.

I would never get between my husband and his mum but he just doesn’t want to engage with her as she’s hard work.

come on OP yes you are his mother but of course his wife is his priority. The same way you are your DHs priority.

they area unit, things will go better if you stay on friendly terms with his wife. Have you through of trying to make a bit more effort with her? Then she is more likely to encourage his relationship with you

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that…..
They been together for 14 years and married for 9.

These are both your quotes OP…….which is correct then as you’re contradicting yourself?

I don't think YABU from what you said, but it depends on how often you call him.... if he works overnights, his wife also barely gets to speak to him, assuming she works days... and they have a DC, who oissibly she collects from school so gets home at the same time as her, and she needs him to then step in?
So you could be right (abuse/control can ramp up years after people have been in relationships) but also you could be seeing things that are not there...
You shouldn't mention anything, just be there for him if things turn sour.

It could be either op, maybe she’s controlling or maybe he’s just tired from work or hasn’t got a chance to talk to his wife about something. I used to answer dh’s phone and he used to answer mine, it wasn’t a symptom of anything, but of course it could be too. I call my mum every day too but my sister doesn’t as she’s exhausted, in fact my mum doesn’t hear from her for weeks, if you think back to your own mum it could have been either or too

Maybe he’s rushing off the phone because he doesn’t want to be on it? You sound quite overbearing OP. Let him call you.

the fact you went straight to “obviously not a bad neglectful mum!”

screeeeems that is this a you problem. No one said any such thing.

come on OP. You can hear for advice. Buckle up and be prepared to hear the answers without melting into “I guess I must just be awful then!” Woe is me MIL script.

You still haven’t said how many times you call him?
I have adult dc and I rarely call them without agreeing a time - we have a family WhatsApp that we all communicate on regularly but if I want to speak to them on the phone we agree a time when we are both free and there are no distractions.
Your son has his own life and it sounds a busy one - just check in by text and arrange phone calls in advance at a time that suits you both.

Oh dear. Sadly you need to accept your son is choosing this dynamic between you.

YABU- you are not the centre of his world anymore, his own family is, and that is totally normal.

You sound suspiciously like the poster who complained about her son not making enough of an effort for Mother’s Day!

This is probably because his wife's parents always include him. Different families have different cultures around gift giving - my in laws have always been far more generous to me (and to our children) than my own parents in terms of gifts, really by an order of magnitude, just because that's normal to them (although financially my in-laws were probably slightly less well off, though not significantly).

Obviously my husband noticed that while his parents started giving me similar birthday presents to the ones they gave him, which were more thoughtful or generous than the ones my own parents gave me, my own parents thought they were being magnanimous by sending my husband a card (and asked multiple times whether it had arrived and been appreciated).

So your son's in-laws probably include him on the same level as their own daughter, and the couple have probably both noticed that you make quite a point of doing the opposite.

It's difficult when family cultures clash, but that'll be why.

His wife is not the issue. You are.

My husband distances himself from his mother as much as he possibly can. Once upon a time she tried to blame me for this (it genuinely wasn’t, I was the one pushing him for the very limited contact he was having with her in the first place). It didn’t go down well….they now haven’t spoken in 10 years. Her attitude, from the bits and pieces I picked up on, was similar to yours. He didn’t want that. He’s a grown man, with agency, and he didn’t like her very much as a person. She was demanding and jealous, although like you, she probably didn’t see it.

She started to get petty, and his response was to go NC entirely. The final straw was him trying to place blame on the person he loved (but also the person he knew was the one actually semi forcing most of the limited contact he actually did have with her), based on nothing more than the same kind of jealousy you seem to be showing.

He has never looked back since cutting her off. It’s not something I could do, but I respected his wishes and the way she felt about me (jealousy of her ‘place’ being filled) combined with the way he felt about me (he’s very clear that I am the centre of his universe, along with our family) just made it inevitable.

You sound absolutely ridiculous. Your son's first priority is his wife, not you. When she gets home of course they want to speak to each other. You should not be buying gifts for him and not her.

I feel sorry for your DIL and for your son. Back off. If they do have any marital problems, your behaviour and sense of entitlement could well be causing them.

When you were young, did your husband prioritise his mother over you? If so, did you like it?

This just makes you sound jealous. It doesn't matter who's a 'priority' - it's not a competition.

I’m going against the grain her OP, it sounds like you are rightly concerned. Getting his younger brother to check in I think is probably a good idea. Women can absolutely be controlling and abusive, it may not be the case here but I think you’re entitled to be concerned.

Yes I feel like if this was a daughter rather than a son we would get more of yes her husband is important and family to him but that doesn’t mean her mother should get tossed aside her husband shouldn’t be sensing of all her free time and respect the bond she has with her mother it’s her mother!

I understand that they don’t see much of each other during the week due to their opposite work schedules but I call him every 2 days and asking for 15 minutes or so of his time as his mother the woman who raised him shouldn’t be much and I’m sorry but when someone’s on the phone regardless of who it is you don’t just start talking to the person as they are on the phone and I don’t like my DIL answering his phone from time to time as if she owns him and then when I ask my son what he wants from say a gift shop when I’m traveling then I hear my DIL chime in and say a mug for me would be nice when I didn’t when realize she as there or my son mention something she wants on her behalf it’s like overstepping when I only offered to my son. I should be able to maintain an individual relationship to my son. He often seems agitated and annoyed when I ask simple mundane questions. He used to not be that way I’m sorry but I know my son and this isn’t a normal way to treat your mother and it’s highly concerning to me. And I want to help but I don’t know how to help. Yes being married means your wife comes first but at the expense of your other relationships?

Every two days is way too much, no wonder he is agitated. He is probably exhausted working nights.

15 minutes every 2 days?!

I have to force my husband to speak to his dad every couple of months and even that is a battle!

You are asking too much. That level of contact is not normal (nor is my husband’s, but at the other end of the scale!).

I speak to my mum daily but that’s my choice. And definitely isn’t the norm.

This.

Yeah they do work opposite schedules so they don’t see each other much but still to immediately hang up as soon as she walks in the door like jeez thanks it’s just your mom you’re talking to. Also she chimes into our conversations without me being aware she is there imagine a SIL doing this if it was a mother and daughter on the phone it would be seen for what it is not respecting their privacy or their relationship. My son compared to my two other sons has always been independent like I said before but this is now going from independent to slowly distancing himself. It’s like his wife is his only world. And what she says goes. I hate when I offer my son a souvenir from my travels and then he says yes a shirt size large would be nice and Mandy would like a gray mug please. Like I didn’t ask what Mandy wants I asked what you want and then he says mom we are a married unit and she is your DIL you can’t get her a $10-15 mug? Asking me for something implies that includes my wife as well as we are a unit you don’t buy for one and not the other that’s rude unless it’s my bday or something like that. She is your DIL

15 minutes every 2 days is a bit much OP.

How is it ok if you speak to your mom daily but u call my son 3 times a week and that’s too much? Is it ok bc it’s mother and daughter and not mother and son? I forgot mothers are expected to drop their independent relationships with their sons after marriage unless it includes the DIL at all times but mothers get to keep their independent relationships with their daughters