To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

What is your suggestion on where the 19 year old goes?

Are they 2 younger ones joint children?

Whose house is it and how is it paid for?

On the surface, no you're not being unreasonable about it not being a given that he moves, but equally I can see why he wants to help his son who isn't much older than yours.

Is there a dining room or similar that could be used? Or is the bedroom big enough to share?

The logical thing is for the 18 and 19 year old to share

but basically it’s a horrible set up

is there no study or dining room that can be repurposed ?

Your poor son.
Now you know his attitude.
Your son is in his bedroom doing exams.
He should not be moved.
His son has a mother who has washed his hands of him?
What sort of behaviour caused that and now its in your home?

Everything he said could be said about his DC19.

He's also a man.

Why should he come first, before DC18? It's not been his home for the last however long, he's now just decided to go there. This is DC18s home!

Why can't the 19 year old move somewhere else? Why does it have to be your 18 year old??

I think your kids need to keep their rooms on this scenario. If the two younger were both the same gender, then I'd be saying they should share... But with a boy and a girl, nope.

Just the way shit is.

He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18”

All that applies to his 19 year old, no?

If his own mother has washed her hands of him, there's probably good reason.

So by his logic , his 19 year old son is a man and he can get a place of his own?

What was the reasoning of DSS mother kicking him out? Does he work/in education?

Your son shouldn't have to share with an adult (your other son).
Your daughter definitely shouldn't share with anyone.
Your oldest son shouldn't be moved around.
Can you make a spot in one of the reception rooms (living or dining room) for your DSS instead?
If your DP thinks it's fine for your DS to share with your younger DS, why does he also think it's not fine for his DS to share with your younger DS? Those same reasons surely apply to both the older sons not sharing with the younger one?

Whose house is it? How long has dp lived with you?

You don’t chuck 18 year olds out of their room when they have exams on!

Why can’t 19 year find a shared flat of his own?

Whose house is it and who pays the mortgage?
If dp has (recently) moved into your house then yanbu. He's a cuckoo.
If its owned and paid for 50/50 then you need to create a new bedroom somehow. Repurpose a ground floor room... temporarily.

Where is the 19 year old sleeping now? Is there a dining room or study?

is the 19 year old working or studying? Is the 18 year old at school. What are his plans after the summer.

it’s a tricky one. Your DH’s assertion that your 18 year is nearly a man, but the same applies to his son. Why should the 18 year old share with the younger DS rather than the 19 year old?

It comes across as you dint want dss to be part of the family. I agree that the 28 year old needs his own space because of exams, but after that.

Honestly, I think the 18 year old needs his room back and the younger two need to share for a bit longer.

I actually wouldn't lead with the exams, because they will probably soon be over.

It's a zero sum game at the moment. Every argument your partner uses for your son to share apply equally to your stepson. You need to find a third way. What resources have you got to throw at this? Is there any prospect of either of them leaving for uni in Sept? Could you come up with something temporary for a few months while you convert a garage? Use a dining room, even if a bit of building work is needed? Do you have any other bits of space that aren't suitable for a bedroom at the moment but might be adapted, or at least be a "breakout" space for sharers in the daytime.

“your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do”

His own son is only a few months older!

Your partner is showing his true colours here, OP. Can you say more about your housing situation? You're not married - did you buy or rent a house together or did one of you move in with the other?

Everybody in situ should stay where they are.

The actual problem is that DSS has moved in and he doesn't have a room, so that's the problem that needs solving, without inconveniencing others.

Can you:

• re-purpose a downstairs room/garage/garden room/anything like that
• Why has DSS left his Mum's? Is he working or in education? At 19 can he be helped to find alternative accommodation? A house share for example?
• What is everybody's plan in September? Is anybody going to Uni?

DP not DH? whose house?

Exactly this. Extremely hypocritical considering HIS son is a year older than OPs

I would say your partner needs to support his son to find a house share. I moved out of my parents' house at 18.

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

What does your 18 year old son think of this suggestion from his mother's partner? I'd imagine it would go down like a lead balloon.
And why did the mother of the 19 year old kick him out - behaviour issues presumably.
Are the 8 and 10 year olds your dp's children?

Cross posted with you.
You have tough decision to make - why would your dp allow a weed smoking, thieving man into the same home as his young children? I'd ask him and his father to move out.

Why were you living apart from your dp when you had 2 children with him?

Where is he sleeping now? Forget rooms, by the sounds of him I'm not sure you should have him in your house with your younger children at all...

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