To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

Come to think of it, even if I had the space, spare bedroom etc, I STILL wouldn't be letting him stay.
He is a danger to your younger kids, not earning and feckless. If DP didn't like that, he could move out, too.
I feel outraged on your behalf, OP.

You’ve got a 4 bedroom house and 4 kids. Everyone needs to be made to feel welcome and equal. What happened before is irrelevant as now the circumstances have changed.

If you value your partner you need to move into the living room and let his son have a bedroom.

if you don’t value your partner he and his son need to find somewhere else to live.

Your SS clearly needs help and his dad needs to step up and support/parent him. How about your partner rents a 1 bed flat for him and SS. SS gets the living room. Partner puts time into getting SS into work, away from all day gaming and weed. Once SS is stable partner can move back in with you, leaving SS in the flat. I wouldn't want him in the house with my children but you could meet up for a family meal every week maybe?

I don't dispute that the 19-year-old is obviously having a tough time, but I wouldn't have him living with me or kids of mine if he'd behaved like this.
I think his father needs to sort out somewhere to live for him. Houseshare maybe with known and trusted friends, or DP can move in with his son, or find him a place of his own and check in on him regularly.

Put your children first.

Mental

Wait a minute, so this CF cocklodger does not contribute towards the mortgage and is trying to kick YOUR child out of YOUR house?!

I’d be telling him to take a long walk off a short cliff. Who the fuck does he think he is?

No way on earth would I be allowing a drug taking thief who’s allegedly committed a sexual assault to live with me especially when if I had a DD!

Tell him to kick rocks OP, I would consider telling him to find a place of his own for himself and his feral adult son.

I agree with PP it's not safe for SS to be in your house and up to your partner to arrange him accommodation elsewhere. He's an unstable adult and you have responsibilty for children.

You are both putting your own children first, which is understandable and right. My first thought was, thank god this is your house. Your partner may be right - who wouldn't want to support their child and try to help them back on the right path? - but it doesn't mean you have to help him with this.

I wouldn't be accepting DSS living there, even temporarily, given the reasons his mother kicked him out, particularly as you have a young daughter. He's 19 and, as you say, perfectly capable of finding his own flatshare and living on his own...of course that would require him to stop smoking weed and gaming long enough to actually get a job. If my partner insisted (I do feel sorry for the position he's in), it would be the end of the relationship, as I couldn't put myself, my own children and my home at risk.

I don't know what the answer is to DSS having a room but I really don't think the children living in the house should have to give up their rooms because DSS was behaving so badly he got kicked out. The kids who have done nothing wrong shouldn't have to suffer for that.

I like this idea.

So he expects your 18 year old adult son as he calls him to vacate his room for his 19 year old also adult son. Double standards there!!

he sleeps on the sofa and gets a job imho or he can’t stay. If he gets a job you can find a pine cabin room in the garden potentially for him. Or he can rent a room elsewhere. Time the 19 year old grew up

And definitely no staying in the garden in a tent or caravan - all that will happen is his druggie mates will turn up at all hours and you’ll never get rid of the SS

You need to boot him straight back to his Mum. He sounds like a total nightmare and how is that going to affect your other children. You need to put them first. What makes you think he won't do all the things he did at his Mum's at your house? And if your DP doesn't like it then you can show him the door too. Absolute no brainer to send him back. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Eyes all of this plus it’s all in the OP’S HOUSE!!!

An answer is that your DP moves out and rents a place with his son and does some serious fathering, hands on parenting, to help get his son back on track in life as he’s going off the rails.

Once things are better - and this may take a few years, he can move back in, alone, as his eldest son should be independent by then.

Compromise is two youngest children don’t live with their dad for a few years but can do some balance of shared custody or parenting like children of divorced parents do. Best scenario is that their Dad can regularly stay over if his eldest DS can be left alone overnight.

Either which way, compromise has to be made. The sooner you decide what gives, the better.

The OP has already managed to get her act together and buy her own house, she is paying the mortgage single-handedly. So why should she now be expected to facilitate the purchase of an eyesore in her garden to accommodate a thieving sex offender who has lots of druggy friends who like to pop round. If the partner has a spare few grand to spare he can use that as a deposit on a flat for him and his son.

Drugs? Sexual assault charges?

Yeah. DP moves out and gets a place with him to get him on straight and narrow. You keep your kids well away from his influence.

If social services found out he was living with you with the younger kids they would likely be involved as he could be considered a safe guarding risk.

It is your house and you need to put your children first. Given your update, I would be worried about him moving in at all. Perhaps if your DP moved out with him, he could keep an eye on him.

I wouldn't want this 19 year old in my house with younger children. I would send him back to his mother's. He is not your problem.

After your update I wouldn’t be letting DSS move in. Too much of a risk to your younger children. DP needs to move out and house him or set him up elsewhere.

He’s currently sleeping on the sofa, has been since he turned up. DP keeps saying “it’s not a long term solution” and I do get that — it’s not ideal, but neither is turfing out my son.

I wasn’t thrilled about him staying here in the first place if I’m honest. I pushed back at the time but DP was all “he’s got nowhere else, we can’t turn our backs on him” and promised me he’d spoken to DSS and made it clear that none of the crap from before would be tolerated here. So DSS agreed, said he was serious about turning over a new leaf etc etc. Whether that actually happens, I’m not holding my breath.

Given the reasons he was kicked out of his mums house, I would not be letting him stay in my house with my two young children and an 18 year old studying for exams!

Thank god you said this is your home, and he is not listed, as it would make things far trickier.

Your SS is not a child, he's an adult. You are under no obligation to take him into YOUR home (its not your partners, and I would be reminding him of this fact).

The only person that has an obligation to SS in this situation in his dad. Your DP needs to step up and provide alternative accommodation for his son, or move out with him temporarily until things are resolved. If he is not paying a mortgage, he should be more than capable of paying a house share for his son.

I would advise your DP that he should only cover up to 6 months and by then you expect him to have a job so he can repay back to his dad and continue living independently.

Do NOT bring trouble into your home.

If DP is not in alignment with you, he needs to go also.

I think your DP is entirely too comfortable living in his cushy home. I’d be tipping him and DSS out for this shit.

It’s your house.

Problematical 19 year old DOES NOT MOVE IN. Period. He’ll bring baggage you and your children don’t need right now.

Your partner moves out and gets some kind of accommodation with his son. You continue the relationship on that basis, or end it if you prefer.

Personally, I don’t see any other option.