To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

Yet another voice saying DP needs to find somewhere else for his violent, druggie thief of a son to live, even if that means moving out to supervise him.

Totally unacceptable to have someone like this in your home, even on the sofa.

How are you op?

You have an 8 year old daughter, now an 'alleged' abuser has moved in. The little girl should be primary concern here.

Fuck him. Your kids stay where they are.
There will be trouble ahead. Get the cocklodger out not your DS now he has spoken out loud what he is thinking.

Is there a snug downstairs that could be turned into a bedroom or even a garden pod ( at DP's expense?)

You took on DP when your DSS was a minor. He's very much your problem too imo.

What's DSS' plan re education or work? I think you and DP should house him but he needs to be a part of the family and that means having responsibilities as well as privileges.

Fwiw, I think it was unkind and misguided to give away his room before he was fully fledged. Teenagers are still children with unfinished brains and they can reject their oarents all they want but we cannot do the same.

No, no and absolutely not. DSS is a man out of work and education. Partner can get him set up himself not in your house. If he wants to move with him to support that's on him. Time to have difficult conversations but on the plus side it seems partner has no problems saying things he wants. I advise you to do likewise. Stick to your guns. Your poor son all of this on top of exams. They can have a few weeks on sofa on proviso he needs to actively look for work and a house share. After that time he's out whether he has or not. Even his own mother has had enough... Do more. If she can kick him out then you can!

You need to get the 19yr old help ASAP, nip this I the bud and he could turn it around.

Look into local authority housing options and get him help with finding somewhere/sheltered accommodation/ shared house and a support worker who can help with education / work placements / benefits/ housing costs.

Ring up the council who will have a links to local charity's who can help young people in these situations.

include him as part of the family but just help him get on his feet with help of local support services. He'll likly be wanting his own space anyway. But a support worker would probably be a good start.

A garden pod! It gets ever more ridiculous! These things aren't free to build and kit out! For a 19 year old that might trash it and not stick around for long? As for trying to make this 19 year old man the OPs personal responsibility! Just because you get into a relationship with someone with a kid from a previous relationship, you don't become personally responsible for that child especially when they are now an adult and the father has no ownership of the home and doesn't pay towards it.

Why do you not give a damn about the OPs other kids? I find it creepy how much some of you are absolutely happy with his behaviour, his volatility, his drug taking, his sexual assault accusations! Why would you want an 8 year old girl and a 10 year old boy to have that in their home! It's creepy how you think it's wonderful thing to have him around those other kids! I had a mortgage at 18, he doesn't need to be treated like a little boy, start giving a toss about the OPs other kids because if I was that little 8 year old girl, someone like that moving in would terrify me.

It's creepy how you think it's wonderful thing to have him around those other kids!

Could you quote the posters who are “absolutely happy” and who think it is “wonderful”? Because I’ve been on the thread since it started and I haven’t seen any.

A few posters have suggested that OP and her DP have responsibilities towards both the 18 year old and the 19 year old. But that’s not the same as saying it’s “wonderful”.

What's your grand plan then? The council won't house him. Is it better that a not-stable young man be out on the street with no support or supervision?

I didn't suggest that OP give him unrestricted access to her youngest children. I didn't suggest that he be given one of the residing children's bedroom.

Maybe 40 years ago you were an incredibly independent 18 yr old. Good for you.

But yes, when you start a relationship with a person who has children under 18, they are your responsibility too. OP didn't just start this relationship 6 months ago. It's 10+ years now. So DSS was a little boy.

So she has 2 options really:

• kick DP and DSS out to build their own household somewhere.
• work together with DP, make a plan and support DSS.

Your son doing a levels needs consistency and doesn't need this drama. None of you do the solution is that you partner rents a flat with his son.

Do you really want him around your two young children??

I think it’s unreasonable for your partner to expect you to take his 19 year old back when he has stated in the past he doesn’t want to be with you. Especially considering his record when staying with his mother and she's kicked him out. He's not going to be aa role modal to the younger children.

Your (joint) two children should not share a room at their ages.

Your partner is very unreasonable to suggest that your 18 year old should move out if ‘he doesn’t like it’ considering your son lives with you in your house and it’s his son who is the incomer and is older so should be more in a position to find his own way.

Perhaps your partner’s best solution would be to fund his son’s accommodation or get a flat and share with him.

The point is that it's not fair for people on here to bully the OP to take this guy into her home and force her own children, two of whom are very young to have to suffer the consequences. Some of you are not acknowledging that this guy is not safe to have around the kids! You have to remember that he hasn't even been part of their life that much. You are talking about subjecting young children to a dangerous stranger! I aren't going to come up with a plan because it's not my life but I'm wholeheartedly against what you are wanting the OP to put her young kids through or what influence he might be on the 18 year old.

Also I'm not 58 so why the bizarre claim that it was 40 years ago that I was 18?? Why 40 years ago? I'm only 45 now so are you ok to stop posting daft statements! I had to leave home at 18, my mum was mentally unstable (still is) and life was hell and she wanted me out as much as I wanted to be out. Most people left home at the age in previous generations, people are in the forces by 19!

I knew it was going to turn out to be your house. Just get rid of the DP, he's adding nothing but strife to your lives and can take the son with him.

It's the posts describing him as this poor young child that should of course be moved in, the people wanting the OP to hand her bedroom over to a 19 year old criminal and turn the living room into a bedroom for herself and leave the family with nowhere to sit and chill together, people that expect her to spend a fortune on unwanted renovations to create another room for this man or a luxury garden pod for him! All this for a bad sounding guy who will probably smash it up and leave and his father doesn't even pay towards the mortgage? Some people on here wear the worst rose tinted glasses I've ever seen! He isn't a young boy that needs his daddy.

It’s your house, you pay the mortgage. Your DP needs to move out then and house his son elsewhere.

Any chance for a limited loft conversion? Hopefully adds a bit of value and keeps him out of the way.

Again, none of those (few) posters have suggested it is wonderful. All they are doing is thinking through a variety of possibilities for housing DSS19 - the same as other posters who suggest DP moving out with DSS are doing.

And most posters suggesting garden pod also suggested that DP paid for it.

You can make your points without fibbing about what other posters are saying.

It's not fibbing that a few too many on here don't see the issue! Fibbing was someone on here on telling me that I was 18 40 years ago when I'm only 45 now! That's making things up! I'm flabbergasted when people can't see obvious potential dangerous issues for the other kids.

Ffs. No @Alshanddo not spend money on YOUR house for an adult who cannot be and should not be trusted in your home anyway.

Exactly this! The DP needs to have a long talk with his son about what he wants from his future, it's ok Dad wanting him to move in but the 19 year old might have absolutely no interest in moving in or might punch holes in the walls and be gone within days when he can't do what he wants.
If the 18 year old fails his exams because of the stress and problems caused by the 19 year old, that's not an easy thing to rectify!

I don’t think @Alshand is coming back as no posts since 12th, so four days.

Mmmmm, I hope she's chucked her 'D'P and his waster son out.