To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

It is bad enough that your partner seems to think he can push your oldest child out of his home to accommodate the 19 year old, but I am shocked that he is happy to want a violent, dope smoking, unemployed layabout sexual abuser to move in and live with his two younger half siblings, what sort of a parent thinks for one moment that their lives will be enriched by him moving in.

New solution, dad pays for a flat for his son. Maybe the lad's mother can contribute too. Alternatively, as he's been thrown out, he can contact the YMCA and tell them he's homeless.

Oh wow...

House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me

This is key. Not a chance im displacing my children in my house for someone who up to getting thrown out (as a consequence of his actions) never even visited.

As for the DSS nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing,

Yeah, actions have consequences, I'd not be having this little cherub in my house either. As for DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” that is enabling bullshit, his mums "been through a lot" his poor SA'd GF has "been through a lot". He can fk right off.

DP can go sort his reprobate SA, weed smoking thief lazy ass gamer out himself, the lad isnt coming in my house with my children.

What's the rest of the set up of the house.
Do you have a play room, study, sitting room....that can be turned into a bedroom for DSS?

“D”P gets a two bedroom flat for him and his unpleasant sounding son and starts paying you maintenance for his kids.

I bet him just paying his share of bills is a right cushy little set up for him at the moment.

Have you got room in your garden for a caravan or chalet? I've known a couple of families where the eldest son lived in one so he could have his own space. And AFAIK you don't need planning permission for a caravan (don't know about chalet or similar). A smallish second hand one may be quite cheap.

As it's your house and DP is resenting your son, I'd tell DP to leave.

The OPs 18 year old is not related to the 19 year old.

The two younger children are half siblings to both the older children.

He can move out. YANBU at all.

So his own biological mother won’t house him, but now you have to? At the expense of your own children to boot?

Nah. DP can fuck off.

You don't realise that chalet solution will cost about 20k? and its not a quick simple thing. Caravan yeah but summer house

Is there another room that could be repurposed? If so, and you are prepared to have dss live with you I think you need to be very clear with him about your terms. And also what will happen if he continues his behaviours. Calm but emphatic

This.

Moving in with you will only enable him. He is as much his DMs responsibility as he is your DPs...although I would argue he ners to be responsible for himself.

The cheek of your DP - it's not his house, only pays bills and expects you to be inconvenienced in such a way.

I would not be having this man staying in my house. Simple.

However his dad housed him before moving in with you, they should go back to that arrangement.

I would not be having this SS in my house at all. Your younger kids should be the priority here, and actually this is not your problem to solve. He is 19. Not your dependent. Your partner only pays you a share of the bills? No rent? He must have cash to spare to help out his son, surely?

Very cheeky of your DP to make demands like that of you and your property that he does not contribute to. Very entitled. I would suggest to him if he feels that his son needs that much support that he moves out and find a place for the two of them to live together. And that given his sons recent behaviour, its risky and therefore possibly not appropriate for him to be around the younger children anyway.

His dismissive approach to your older son, given how important this time is in his life, would concern me greatly. Its not loving, not constructive and not family orientated. Why does he expect you to be so concerned for his sons wellbeing, while making it clear your sons life and future is of little consequence to him? Entitled again, and hypocritical. Difficult situation for sure, but your DPs suggestions will only make it worse.

No fucking way would I be letting that 19 year old move in with my little kids. If your DP is so desperate to house him he can find a flat for the two of them.

He just wants to make this into your problem instead of his.

Ask your partner what is the rationale behind the 18yo moving in with the 10yo instead of the 19yo moving in with the 10yo?
Same thing basically, so by default it should be the one who doesn’t have a bedroom yet, ie the 19yo.
And then when your son’s exams are over, the 18yo and 19yo could share, that would make more sense.

Where's the money for the weed coming from?

And what is the relationship like between your son and your partner?

Time for that partner, and his hopeless son to move back out again and find their own house.

How come the father of your youngest two has only lived with them for the last three years of their life? I bet you had good reasons for keeping him out.

When the Ukraine war started, my BIL - who is one of those deeply caring, big hearted, wants to look after everyone, but also totally chaotic people who never really considers the practicalities or realities of things - and his wife and two (then) young teenagers took in a family of 4 Ukrainians (grandmother, mother, older teenage (nearly adult) old son and young daughter). Doubling the household and squeezing everyone in to a 5 bedroom house.
We and other family members raised concerns - especially about the son and effects of the trauma they’ve suffered. But they went ahead. Within days it was a disaster. Things stolen, things broken, being screamed at, reported by the family to the council when they tried to end it. Work set up by my SIL that was dropped. Etc., etc. Thankfully our worst fears re the boy and our nieces didn’t happen. But it took a long time to resolve and ended up with them feeling pretty shaken.

My point is that you may want to help your DP and his son, it’s a natural instinct and commendable. But, you need to put your children first and this 19 year old man (not a child!) does not sound good for your household.

Given your eldest is presumably doing A'levels I'd be refusing to do ANYTHING that disrupted that right now. He has 3 weeks for God sake and he's worked so hard for 2 years for these exams.

On that basis DSS can take the couch, or him and 'd'p can get a air b&b for 3 weeks in give ds some peace!! Dp clearly doesn't like your son either so if ds is on eggshells around them then he needs you to protect him and get them out.

But I would not in all honestly want an adult accused of sexual misconduct anywhere near my primary aged dd.... If his mother doesn't feel safe with him why should you / your young dd not be safe in your own living space?

And who the hell wants weed nd 'random people' around their 8 and 10yr olds... because he won't respect your rules any more than his mums.

I think DP has gone too far... and I think that's why you ended up here... he doesn't pay towards the house... I think it's time he moved out and took his ds with him.

I genuinely feel sorry for the 19 year old, but it would be wring to privilege him at the expense of your own DC.

I don’t think we can conclude he is a sexual risk to your DD, but he is clearly aggressive with poor impulse control. I wouldn’t want him living with young DC in his present state. Older siblings are inevitably role models for better or, as in this case, worse.

The lad probably does need his DF’s support to try getting back on his feet. The two of them should rent a flat and your DSS should start moving forward. When he does, you can join up again.

Repurposing a room or building a small addition (or converting a shed or garage) sounds the best way forward. Your oldest DS and DSS will surely get along better if not forced to share, and it would be wrong to turf your DS out of his space for someone moving in because of bad behaviour.

@Alshand - this sounds like a good solution. Your DP helps 19 yo with accommodation externally.

He really needs to grow up at 19 and learn some respect and rules and spend time with his dad.

I do agree your DS18 should not be interrupted if he’s doing exams.

Feel for you - have been caught up in a similar situation and ended up hosting the 19 yo - cept he was 16 and my nephew.
For me, it was good and DN improved in steady care - but not saying that’s the same for you x

Christ on a bike you are 100% not BU.

Kick both of them to the kerb, the cocklodger partner and his delightful offspring.