To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

Sorry but there's no way I'd be accepting his DS19 into my house at this point. He doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with either his stepbrother or his half siblings if he's been unwilling to visit much until he got chucked out of his mum's. And a violent, drug taking theif is not really someone you'd really want them to be getting closer too anyway.

Your DP has to take responsibility here, his parenting (or lack of it) is at least partially responsible for this, and if you were reluctant to live with him and your joint kids for so long, I'd warrant a guess he's not been father of the year. He's not paying rent or mortgage himself thanks to you, so he can put some of the money he saves towards getting his son a room in a shared house. And then he can put a bit of effort in to trying to get him back on track. What he can't do is inflict his delinquent son on you and steal your DS's room in the house you paid for.

Can you fit a somehtong in the garden for him?

It's your house
Absolutely no way would i have my son moved from his room.

I would only have dss in the if he is drug free and working

As to where he'd sleep. .

Blow up bed in dining room which he puts away every mirning by 8am.

he cant share with your youngest son given the drug issue otherwise id suggest that.

Ultimately if your dp doesnt like the options you are giving him id be telling him since he contributes fuck all such a disproportionately small amount to the house he should look to use all that £££ he is saving to rent a flat for his son so that dss can be housed in the manner DP believes to be fit.

So your DSS who had a perfectly good home, lost that home through poor behaviour. Now your DP thinks you should all accommodate his DSS in YOUR home by moving YOUR DS our of his room eventhough your son hasn't behaved badly.
Does DP not believe in choices and consequences?

Would you also want a man who is aggressive, steals, smokes weed and was accused of sexual assault sharing with a young child? Sibling or not?

Sharing a dad won’t and doesn’t stop sexual abuse.

Given your updates, the solution to this is beautifully simple: your P and his son go and get a place of their own. It's your house - I wouldn't have DSS in it, period, and your younger DC are used to having their dad live elsewhere anyway, evidently, plus it sounds like your relationship is still not that great or that stable, so.

why would your DP allow a weed smoking, thieving man into the same house as his young children? I'd ask him and his father to move out

This.

I can’t believe you agreed he could move in. What were you thinking?

DP: DS has been kicked out of his mum’s for abusing drugs, being violent, abusive, lazy, accused of sexual assault so he’s moving in

You: over my dead body, this is my house, it’s full, he’s violent and dangerous and we’ve got young kids we need to keep safe

DP: you’re so mean and horrible, this is a deal breaker and I’m moving out

You: my priority is keeping the kids safe, get lost

Come on, you hold all the cards. He needs to fuck off and take his loser offspring with him.

Agree with PP who say they would not let this young man into their house. The behaviour he exhibited at his mum's will be repeated and you need to protect your children from that. It is commendable that DP wants to help his son -- but frankly, not in your house.

I moved 60 miles to rent and live with my DD20 and support her through uni as she needed a lot of help. For different reasons, your DSS now needs a lot of help, and what can happen is that his father can get a flat with him and the two of them concentrate on DSS's life and needs for a while (exactly as I did with my DD); he comes back to see his other DCs as much as possible then eventually helps his own son to rent or live independently. When you are a parent, you do the hard shit. Or rather, at the moment, your DP needs to do some hard shit, could be the making of his son.

Although I do suspect that that he was hoping you'd be doing it for him. Where do you want to go from here OP? Your partner has shown you who he is, would it be a blessing for them to move into a flat elsewhere?

I’m astounded you allowed a troubled 19 year old man who uses drugs and has been accused of sexual assault, move in with your young children. It’s great that you own the house - it means you can put your children’s safety and well being first and put an end to this nonsense situation. Hard no to the step son moving in and I’d be sending the ‘partner’ after him.

Imagine having the audacity to move into a house entirely owned and paid for by your girlfriend then telling her that her 18 year old son who is studying for exams can move out and live somewhere else because he’s a man now - in order to make space for your own layabout son who is OLDER! Honestly OP, see him for what he is - gross.

Given the reasons his mum kicked him out, I wouldn't take him in. You have your young kids to think about; they come first for you. He'd be a negative influence on them, and he sounds pretty volatile.
Help him find alternative accommodation but don't take him in.

And yes, this. With bells on.

If you have a spare room ie living or dining or office space he could use then I would have a strict contract/rules for him to agree to before allowing him to move in there. If not then dad needs to step up and help dss organise a place/room etc while teaching his son to be responsible work pay bills etc etc

Is there a reception room that could be a bedroom for now?

Why are you allowing this violent useless grown adult into YOUR home with young children, seriously whats more important to you your children or your partner, also why are you allowing your partner dictate to you who lives in YOUR home,.seriously!

DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time”

He's caused troubled and is now left with the consequences of his very own actions - had he behaved himself in the first place he wouldn't be "going through a lot" He needs to take responsibly for his behaviour and not be walking into someone else's house and moving their son out of their bedroom so he can have it as a fucking prize

Are there any other rooms in your house 5at could become a bedroom for DSS? How long term do you think this situation will be? If your older DS is doing exams does that mean he will be going onto university in the autumn?

If no agreement can be reached then DP needs to move into his own place to accommodate his son.

I typed my reply before seeing your update. I couldn’t have someone accused of sexual assault around my young children, no way. He wants to prioritise his son, fine he can do that somewhere else!

He doesn't sound like a safe person to have in the house with your younger kids.

The 19yo shouldn't be moving in at all. He should be finding his own place to live. He gets a job and pays for it. Or dad pays for it (or they move there together). He wouldn't be moving in to my house with my kids.

The “he’s an adult” applies just as must to the 19 year old as the 18 year old, and I can’t believe he’s suggested moving your son in the middle of his exams! The fact that it is your house means that you get the deciding say here. To be honest I would not be welcoming a 19 year old NEET with drug issues and a history of theft, violence, verbal abuse and possible SA into my house with an 8 and 9 year old. And now you know how your “D”P really feels about your son and about his rights over your house I wouldn’t be welcoming him back either.

This. I suspect he left his ex to do all the parenting of his eldest son, you've obviously done the vast majority for your joint kids given he didn't live with you until recently, and now he's expecting you to house his eldest and get him back on the straight and narrow. He's a lazy feckless dad, and you and all three of your kids will be better off if he and his eldest go to live elsewhere.

Your DSS has been accused of sexual assault and your DP thinks it's okay for him to move in? HIs own mother has kicked him out for this reason but it's okay for him to move into your house?

Bat and shit come to mind

Where Is SS sleeping and gaming now in your house? Key question really.