To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

The 18 year old in the middle of exams definitely gets prioritised for the single room until exams are over.

Is the youngest boy a joint child - half brother to the 18 and 19 year olds? If sonit makes no more immediate sense for his 18 year old half brother to bunk in with him than his 19 year old half brother, who at least isn't mid exams. Or is the 19 year old someone you all tacitly accept isn't an appropriate person to share a room with a child, including his brother? Or too much of a stranger for the younger boy to be comfortable with?

Your husband 's argument isn't only unfair on the mid exams 18 year old but isn't even logical, if the 18 year old is an adult who should move out but the 19 year old isn't? Unless you haven't mentioned the 19 year old's additional needs which make him vulnerable?

Anyway until one of the older teens moves out (even if term time only) the newest arrival gets a repurposed downstairs room. There isn't really an alternative, and a four bedroom usually has an additional room downstairs (unless the four bedrooms includes one downstairs already?).

Absolutely not, DP needs to help him find a room elsewhere, or move out with him.

Yeah, with that update and two young kids in the house as well as another young adult, I would be looking more at supporting the DSS into some other accommodation. It sounds as if he isn’t bothering with anything because he doesn’t have to- there’s nothing pushing him to earn or study. Either he and his father move in together somewhere temporarily, or he finds a house share to live in.

You don’t want your kids to be worried or stressed by an anti-social, aggressive young man who’s got form for stealing money from those he lives with and for smashing up the house.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

Don't think I'd have him in the house. There are two younger kids to think about.

Am I reading this correctly and your partner didn't move in with you until your joint younger two children were 5 years old?

It sounds like dss needs a lot of support to
stop that behaviour. I’d be inclined to suggest your ‘d’p rents a two bedroom place for him and dss.

Suggest that you and your daughter share and your P and his son share. In the smallest room in the house. See how he feels about that.

So YOUR son is an adult at 18, but HIS son needs everyone kow-towing to him at 19?

that makes sense. Said no-one, ever

Your partner sounds pretty thick tbh

I would not be allowing somebody accused of sexual assault to live in my home with two younger children that are both vulnerable and impressionable, never mind all the rest of it.

Where does your DSS sleep now? I would make most sense for the two older boys to share a room as they are legally adults.

Oh. Cross posted with this. "D" P and his eldest need to move out and get a place together. This young man may need his father's support, but not at the expense of your other children, two of whom are too young to be exposed to this and the other one of whom is in the middle of (presumably important, A level) exams, for which his grades make a huge difference to his options.

I'm also assuming there's a good reason you didn't live with your younger two children's father when they were smaller?

Where is your stepson sleeping at the moment? I really wouldn’t be prepared to have him living with me. I’d maybe put up with a couple of weeks while he finds himself a flat share but I don’t think you can’t disrupt your household to accommodate him if he’s as bad as you’ve said.

that is actually an option if he has to stay in the house...

His father can pay to house his son elsewhere. The mother has endured a lot from her son. It's time for dad to step up.

Im sorry but this DSS would not be coming to live in the house if it were me after what you put in your last post. You've got 2 younger children to think of.

His son is an adult and needs to sort himself out. I wouldn't be having a layabout who was accused of sexual assault in my home. Partner would be moving out of he insisted

So your DP lived elsewhere until your joint children were 5 and 7? Where did he live and why? That’s is very odd.

2 older ones share and if they don't like it one of them is more than likely to find there own place.

Basically I had DS2 quite early into the relationship with DP — bit of a whirlwind start if I’m honest. Then had DD about 2 years later. We were on/off quite a bit during those years. Lot of ups and downs, mostly around his ex and his son, and him not always stepping up. So I stayed in my own place and just cracked on with the kids, he’d stay over but wasn’t living here full time.

Things settled down eventually, he got more consistent and we had a good couple years where things were actually stable, so he moved in properly about 3 years ago. Thought we were in a solid place but now with all this DSS stuff it’s just chaos again.

I think your DP is worried about his older DS but he's making no sense. Definitely do not disrupt your DS in the middle of his exams. Either you repurpose another room downstairs for his son or DP should move out with him. Short term, also, you could sleep beside your DD and partner with the 10 year old or DSS.

Where is he at the moment? What is your solution to the problem. You say that ‘we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other’, but that’s not the case is it, there is nowhere for him. It doesn’t sound easy for anyone.

Absolutely understand that your partner wants to protect his son, and perhaps he believes that if his son were to live elsewhere things might get worse, but ultimately this is a 19 year old man, who smokes dope and plays computer games all day long except when out committing crimes. I’m sure that there are reasons for his behaviour (might the fact that you and DP have children aged 8 and 10 but your partner only moved in 3 years ago be one of those reasons, where you and his children secret?) and that he needs help, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of someone else, and really at 19 he needs to start taking responsibility and growing up. He certainly shouldn’t share with your son who is taking exams.

Is this going to be a temporary fix or a permanent thing? Is there a dining room/study that can be repurposed? Can you extend? Can your DP help set his son up somewhere?

So you had two kids with him and lived separately for many years in your own house until only 3 years ago - maybe your 'DP' needs to get his own place with his son. Why didn't you move in together until 3 years ago? That's very unusual

have you read the weed and sexual assault update?

@Busyquaver1
Have you read what the op has said about the 19 year old?
It's also the op's house - why should her child suffer? Mind you he's probably suffered enough having his mother's partner move in 3 years ago...

It's your house which you pay for alone, tell your DP to sod off. Threatening to throw your son out of YOUR house so his son can have his own room. Why would you even tolerate this nonsense!

Even if you had no kids and three spare bedrooms, given this kid’s behaviour, I wouldn’t have him in my house full stop.

I'd be suggesting DP move out and find somewhere with his son if that's his attitude!