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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

579 replies

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:15

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:
llizzie · 18/06/2025 02:50

NeptuneOrion · 15/06/2025 19:11

What's your grand plan then? The council won't house him. Is it better that a not-stable young man be out on the street with no support or supervision?

I didn't suggest that OP give him unrestricted access to her youngest children. I didn't suggest that he be given one of the residing children's bedroom.

Maybe 40 years ago you were an incredibly independent 18 yr old. Good for you.

But yes, when you start a relationship with a person who has children under 18, they are your responsibility too. OP didn't just start this relationship 6 months ago. It's 10+ years now. So DSS was a little boy.

So she has 2 options really:

  • kick DP and DSS out to build their own household somewhere.
  • work together with DP, make a plan and support DSS.
Show quote history

Why should two minor children live in fear until they are old enough to leave home?

To suggest that the OP should accommodate someone like that is wrong.

I would want him out, even if it meant involving social services. If they deem it not right to give him room, where there are minor children at risk, let them find somewhere for him.

Ask Shelter for advice?

OneWildBiscuit · 21/06/2025 09:46

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

Seriously?!

It's your house. He has zero right to demand his son is accommodated at the expense of your son.

He's 19, not 9. There's no reason why he can't find a flat share or bedsit, but the longer his dad panders to his laziness, the less likely he is going to bother his arse to do anything about it. Once he gets his feet under the table, you'll never be rid of him and he'll become a total financial and emotional drain. With his track record, do you really want him around your younger kids, or disrupting your 18 year old's studying?

Your DP sounds like a bit of a chancer tbh. Not his house, not contributing to the mortgage, not stepping up when your youngest two were little...he's got a brass neck to be making the demands he currently is.

FeistyCat · 02/07/2025 04:46

How are things going, @Alshand ?

Gwenna · 26/04/2026 22:21

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

DSS is an adult and sounds very difficult. He will disrupt your DS who sounds like a quiet, constructive young man. Try and get DSS a flat/home of his own somewhere. Contact council for advice maybe too on services that can support adults like him. DSS needs a job, a direction and a place of his own - it will be the making of him.

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