To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

You think she should impose an aggressive, weed smoking, sexually assaulting room mate on her son in her own house that she pays for and if her son doesn't like it he can move out? What the hell kind of parenting decision would that be?!

When I asked the question about your housing situation I was thinking "I bet my own house that the OP owns the house and this man has moved in." And lo and behold: House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. There I was, thinking I was being too cynical, but yet again we have a story of a cocklodging man and his deadbeat child.

Tell them to get out, OP, both of them. Your partner shows your son no consideration at all. Your son is in the way, in his opinion. Now you are really seeing what he thinks. Protect your son and get rid. I bet if you spoke to your son and asked him whether he'd be happier with or without this man, he'd say he'd be much happier without him.

But what is your solution? Where do you think his child can stay? I understand you want to protect your child, but he's just doing the same. Work together on this, blended families are hard and compromise has to be given. Understand he has the same feelings for his son as you do for yours.

Did you read the OPs update about why the 19 year old was told to leave his mothers house. Would you want him in your house ?

You haven't said where the DS19 is staying? Sounds like there is no room for him. You have 3 kids who are in the 3 rooms. Perhaps your DP can support him to find a room in a houseshare? Otherwise DP needs to move out with his DS19 and share with him. Not sure I see another solution. DS19 can't live on your sofa for long!

You’re actually happy with DSS moving in with your young children after he’s done all that???? I don’t think rooms is the big issue here.

“House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me”

So if it’s your house, how dare your DP who, I understand, has only been living with you for three years, dictate who has which bedroom? Your son is preparing for his exams; his son sounds like a layabout. I really don’t like the sound of him around your younger children - weed, stealing, violence, unwanted visitors, alleged sexual assault - is this really someone who should be in your house? I think you need to find alternative accommodation for him as soon as possible, otherwise, this will not end well.

I'd probably want my kids to all be sharing with each other to protect them from him, he sounds like a right piece of work

He shouldn't be in your house at all. You need to prioritise your dependant children not this aggressive leech.

Duplicate post

I think DP needs to move out with his eldest - they can live together, and he can make sure he ahs a spare room for when his two other kids visit.

There is absolutely no way I would have someone who has been accused of sexual assault in the same room as my 8 year old daughter, never mind live in the same house. Would you??

@Alshand I would not have this 19 year old living with you. You have 2 younger kids to think about first and foremost. Tell your DP he needs to sort his son out somewhere to live or move out and in with his DS.

This is not a child we are talking about Its a 19 year old man who is using drugs and potentially sexually assaulting people......you want him as far away from your other kids as possible!

Where is DSS currently sleeping? What’s your idea? Could you have a reshuffle and put the two youngest in the biggest room with a divider? Or could DSS sleep downstairs in a dining room or study? Or would it be possible to do a very basic loft conversion.

I know it’s your house but you’ve accepted DSS into it and he’s got to sleep somewhere. Chances are someone will leave home soon so this is only short term surely?

If your DH is a decent guy I suspect he’s just on the defensive and/ or stressed- is he decent to your eldest son normally?

Your house, your choice basically. Your 18 gets a room. Your daughter gets a room. His 19 year old and your shared son can share as they both have the same dad? Or 19 year old goes on the couch? Can you make a dining room into a bedroom? I’d be more upset about the comments your partner made tbh

Another cocklodger story but even worse a Cocklodger plus 1, get rid of both Cocklodgers OP and regain yours and your DC's lives .

it's easy. DP moves out with his oldest son.

“you always put your kids before mine”

Your kids - plural? Like two of them aren't his as well? What he's demanding is to put his older son before even his own two younger children.

I don't want to rush to ltb, but as it's only your house the time may be coming that he has to move out. Not just because he's throwing his weight about over the rooms, but because his son's behaviour isn't going to magically change overnight just because he's not living with his mum. And his dad doesn't seem to be willing to address that other than to say 'poor lad'.

I fear for what your life (and that of your DCs) is going to be if they stay there.

DP can move out with dss, can’t say I’d have dss in my house after your last post, it’s YOUR house, let them both leave.

The only options I can see are the 18 and 19y old share or you repurpose a dining room or other living area.

Or your DSS moves somehwere else, with or without his dad.

Chuck out DP with his son and the bedroom situation will be solved pronto. He’s right, put your kids first. You shouldn’t have a man in your house who does drugs and has been accused of sexual assault. This is a mess.

So both the older boys are the half brother of the younger boy? And your DH thinks it’s unacceptable for his son to share with his half brother, but wildly unreasonable of you to not want your son to share?

Also, brava for keeping the house in your name only and not marrying this loser.

The step son should not be in your house at all. If your partner doesn't like it, chuck him out as well.

Um, nope. I wouldn't have your step-son in my home. His history is not compatible with the safe, stable, harmonious life you want for your kids. Damn right I'd put my kids ahead of his 19-year-old waster of a son. It's time for DP to move out, too, if he thinks this is in any way acceptable.