To think this is a batshit holiday with kids

[HollaNack]

I share 3 kids 7,8,9 with my ex of 2 years. He has booked summer plans to take them all in his van through France for 3 weeks, ending at a waterpark.

Am I being really precious, or is this insanely inadvisable with 3 small kids?

We're not unfamiliar to van life. We lived in one together for 2 years in Europe, pre kids. The van is the 'family' camper, the kids know it well, it's all equipped and goes well when it starts.

But the risks are insane. Huge risk of drowning with 1:3 ratio staying weeks at a waterpark. Tiredness, cranky hot kids, fights, cooking, missing mum, no respite or somewhere comfy to sit and stare at cartoons in a language you don't even understand.

It's not a civil breakup. I have an NMO against him and the kids are only just getting round to being comfortable staying the night at his.

I just feel like this screams 'manchild biting off more than he can chew and risking his kids happiness/safety/lives in the process'

I'm aware that I could do Specific Issue Order but honestly, it would feel a little petty. He does not listen to reason and this is going to be my lot for the next 10 years. So I'm trying to see how this could possibly be an ok idea. Also because I'm trying to balance Positive Outlook with the kids, vs not completely gaslighting them when they raise their own concerns (so far mostly around timescale).

Do we think this could be ok? Am I being precious? Or do I need to try and stop this?

YABU: They're not babies, let them have their adventure
YANBU: This idea is indeed batshit and must be stopped at all costs

Haven’t read beyond page 2 so may have already been said but men really can’t do right for doing wrong can they?

Men not interested in their kids - deadbeat. Man actaully wants to parent his kids for three weeks - absolutely not, shouldn’t be allowed.

Woman wants to take her kids away alone - of course you should, why wouldn’t you. Don’t let no man tell you what to do.
Man wants to take the kids away alone - so dangerous don’t be so stupid.

He used to be violent to his wife in front of his kids, if that provides more context to her reluctance.

Is this a reverse?

You seem remarkably unbothered about the safety of your own children with a known violent man, and a sidekick guy you barely know that likes festivals, they both drink enough for you to mention he doesn’t drink in the day as if this is a good thing!

He is driving the dc thousands of miles away, the dc really do not sound very confident in the water and they are going with a man that rarely looks after them!

Worst of all - he is violent, and on a non molestion order ‼️

What could possibly go wrong in a clapped out camper van with no air con in 45c heat, and a guy with a conviction for domestic violence?

I despair

But equally says he’s good with the kids and they have regular contact.

No, op said they have only just started spending one night with him. That is the not the same.

This is my feelings on it, if he was a danger to the kids that would be a different thing altogether but if he has regular contact and has done for a while and is generally a good Dad then I don't think it would be a bad thing for him to take them on holiday

I assume the OP didn’t think he was a danger to her when she married him.

Nobody ever does, do they.

And I never married him.

Op I really don’t understand this thread, it’s so highly unusual and you have been given really poor advice. Almost like your ex or his family might be on here.

You could not have known how he would be towards you, and you must never ever blame yourself for what he did to you.

I would think carefully about the way he is, and consider whether the dc are genuinely completely safe, or if there are just too risks?

Please tell your children the truth, tell them it’s too soon for it to be safe and maybe next summer it will be possible if you decide to delay a holiday like this for another year or two.

Cornwall or Devon or the Scottish highlands would also be an adventure, at least there you could collect them… up to you.

1. I know the friend, he is pretty chill, no temper that I've seen, I have no reason to think he's a danger to kids in a sexual way. I mean, nobody ever does do they.

I assume the OP didn’t think he was a danger to her when she married him.

Nobody ever does, do they.

And with that, OP, I think you may be trolling us. I hope you are, tbf!

Ex lifeguard here: as they can all swim, I'd be happy with the idea of one adult looking after a 7, 8 and 9 yo. Nearly all drownings are non-swimmers or weak swimmers. I have personally done 4 rescues - all were in beginner swimming lessons and in each case the person got themselves horizontal in the water and didn't know how to get themselves into a standing position. I'm assuming OPs DCs are way beyond this point.

Of course water parks pose more risks - I'd be particularly cautious if there is a wave machine. Obviously if there are slides into deep water, the supervising adult needs to be confident the child can easily swim from the end of the slide to the edge and won't panic when plunged into deep water.

I can see you’re genuinely trying to balance your children's safety, their relationship with their dad, and your own peace of mind.

Here’s my take:
Your concerns are valid.
This isn’t about being overprotective, it’s about assessing risk in the context of their age, their relationship with their dad and the current coparenting dynamic.

7, 8 and 9 is still young for this kind of loosely-structured, potentially high-risk trip, especially without another adult present. The waterpark component is especially concerning from a safety perspective with only one adult present.

You mention the breakup was not civil, there's an NMO in place, and the children are just now getting comfortable staying overnight with him. This suggests that trust are still being rebuilt. Jumping into a complex, multi-week trip feels out of step with where the kids and the co-parenting relationship currently are.

You know van life well, which means you also know how exhausting, unpredictable, and uncomfortable it can be, even when you're choosing ir as an adult. Does he have the funds should you need to get a hotel? Tired, hot, overstimulated kids in close quarters with a parent they’re not yet fully comfortable with for extended periods sounds like a recipe for emotional distress at best, safety risks at worst.

You describe him as someone who "does not listen to reason" and seems to be overestimating his own capabilities here. That is more relevantit than you realize. It signals that he might not fully appreciate the demands of solo-parenting three kids intensively for three weeks. Has he ever even been with them for that long?
I Would Recommend, should they be going to push for specific safety measures. Insist on life jackets at all times when near/in water. Request regular check-ins or video calls (even daily) to monitor how things are going.
Ask if he can plan for support, a friend to join, or at least short stints at more traditional accommodations. Document your concerns in writting, just to have a clear record that you expressed specific safety concerns and requested reasonable adjustments. This could be important down the line. Make sure you talk openly with the kids and acknowledge their concerns about the timescale and validate that it’s ok to feel unsure. Help them make a plan for what to do if they feel unsafe or overwhelmed on the trip.

You’re not overreacting, but you may not be able to stop this trip unless there’s an imminent danger. What you can do is set safety boundaries, empower your kids, and position yourself as their secure base who will always listen to their concerns without making them feel guilty for going.

It sounds like a great holiday to go on with your dad as a kid! Mine would love it!

But you have a NMO against him and they kids are just getting comfortable staying at his home. He isn’t responsive to your kids needs - which is obvious from the fact he wants to take three small kids away from their mum for three weeks when they don’t even like spending the night!

I sense a last minute flight to France in your future op, or he’s gonna have to take them home early.

You need to trust your instincts. If you genuinely don't think he can handle it then put your foot down. There's no way mine could and we are married. Neither could my ex. Women do too much second guessing ourselves to appease men and kids and everyone else's opinion. If you feel genuinely unsafe about it say no.

To be honest I'm really shocked at the responses to this. I think youre their mam! If you don't feel they will be safe don't send them!!!

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL! I would react exactly the same, I think he's batshit crazy. No downtime for them, possible issues with sleeping and kids safety at night time and there is only one of him and 3 of them. Not enough hands to grab one each. Id seriously ask him to reconsider all the safety implications of a holiday like that. They're still babies until their at least 10, when they can start to understand the safety implications. I hope you get it all sorted. Id be so worried too.

If you are worried, speak to your solicitor and place a block on it. Tell your DC when they are older yes but you feel they are too young ATM.

completely understand why you are concerned, however if hes taken on too much and can't handle it, I'm pretty sure he's going to drive back before the 3 weeks are up

And what happens to the young children whilst he can’t ’handle it’ for the thousand mile drive back? Or at the pool? Or at night time? It is not a two hour drive away, but days and days of non stop driving alone, to get home. He is known for drinking and violence - would you let your little children go with him? I thought not. The advice on here is truly terrible.

Totally agree I'm shocked at the amount of people going oh yeah send them off for three weeks with a moron they'll be fine ...wtf!!

Is he a good, safe driver, used to driving abroad? Is his friend going to be there throughout the journey or just for the water park bit? If the former, it’s surely likely that they will share the driving, so I wouldn’t be happy about my kids being driven around by a stranger whose driving skills I had no knowledge of.

Honestly OP send your kids off with a smile and enjoy a break. Also your being a lot extra about everything. Your driving me nuts and Ive just read your posts. You sound a bit main character syndromy Your kids will enjoy the break as will you. Just stop being so dramatic about everything.

I honestly don't think OP is the most accurate story teller.lol

I thought it was just me!! Glad others are like minded!