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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a batshit holiday with kids

202 replies

HollaNack · 11/06/2025 21:20

I share 3 kids 7,8,9 with my ex of 2 years. He has booked summer plans to take them all in his van through France for 3 weeks, ending at a waterpark.

Am I being really precious, or is this insanely inadvisable with 3 small kids?

We're not unfamiliar to van life. We lived in one together for 2 years in Europe, pre kids. The van is the 'family' camper, the kids know it well, it's all equipped and goes well when it starts.

But the risks are insane. Huge risk of drowning with 1:3 ratio staying weeks at a waterpark. Tiredness, cranky hot kids, fights, cooking, missing mum, no respite or somewhere comfy to sit and stare at cartoons in a language you don't even understand.

It's not a civil breakup. I have an NMO against him and the kids are only just getting round to being comfortable staying the night at his.

I just feel like this screams 'manchild biting off more than he can chew and risking his kids happiness/safety/lives in the process'

I'm aware that I could do Specific Issue Order but honestly, it would feel a little petty. He does not listen to reason and this is going to be my lot for the next 10 years. So I'm trying to see how this could possibly be an ok idea. Also because I'm trying to balance Positive Outlook with the kids, vs not completely gaslighting them when they raise their own concerns (so far mostly around timescale).

Do we think this could be ok? Am I being precious? Or do I need to try and stop this?

YABU: They're not babies, let them have their adventure
YANBU: This idea is indeed batshit and must be stopped at all costs

OP posts:
MyPearlCrow · 12/06/2025 08:50

Fitasafiddle1 · 11/06/2025 23:01

And if he is not a ‘day drinker’ then he must be a night drinker, and how is that any safer for the children? Add on the weird friends staying over and the distance. How is anyone coming to the conclusion that this is safe - dear god.

Can you explain why there is a non mol order op? Please.

Edited

so anyone who has an evening drink is a shit parent? Think that covers the vast majority of the population.

Absolutenonsense · 12/06/2025 08:51

downtownlights · 11/06/2025 22:01

of more concern to me would be knowing who the friend is who wants to go on a three week holiday in a campervan with 3 of someone else’s young kids even in his own tent 🤔 really the rest is pretty standard holiday stuff and wouldn’t be concerned

I wouldn’t love this either. Make sure you have the nspcc Pants talk or similar before they go

pizzaHeart · 12/06/2025 08:56

No I wouldn’t allow him if he has NMO. 3 weeks away is a long tiring time, when a lot of little things can happen so I won’t trust him to stay calm and reasonable.

Juniperwilde · 12/06/2025 09:01

I wouldn’t be happy about this holiday for these reasons:

  1. A random friend coming along - Do you know anything about them? Spending time with your constant for 3 weeks?
  2. The NMO - On Google it says the order is used to prevent threats, harassment, and violence. The victim applying is the applicant and the accused is the respondent. This order protects the victim and relevant children from being molested by the respondent.
  3. “He’s not a day drinker”… sounds like he’s a night drinker… can we have some clarification on this?
  4. You are saying that the children are only just about getting used to staying with him for just one night… and he’s talking about 3 weeks abroad??

I’m not worried about the kids getting stolen or drowning.

I wouldn’t be happy with it at all, but if needs be then 1 week without a friend coming along is all I could handle.

aCatCalledFawkes · 12/06/2025 09:02

OP hasn't said if they have a court order or not but she is saying she would need to raise specific order rather than just saying no so it sounds like saying no isn't a choice.
Lots of court orders go in favour of men with all sorts evidence of abuse against there exe partners. I wish was more understood that when a court order is in place you can't just say no or give out a load of rules. Things like the pool being busy or him being a drinker etc... there things that apply to lots of two parent families on holiday too, for you could say the same about spanish all includive holidays.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 12/06/2025 09:07

I wouldn’t want to be without my DC for three weeks so I would resist on that basis alone.

Midnightlove · 12/06/2025 09:17

It sounds amazing! But also sounds like you don't trust him to properly watch the kids around water.. 3 kids is a lot, I would be worried too in that situation

Mandylovescandy · 12/06/2025 09:20

I am taking my DC off similar ages by myself in campervan and think it will be brilliant so I don't think the type of holiday is the issue but the fact that you doubt he would look after them properly. Not sure what you can do about it though

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 12/06/2025 09:21

I’m sorry but you’re sounding rather OTT here. Saying the risks are ‘insane’ and that there is a ‘huge risk of drowning’. At a water park??? He’s not taking them on a round the world sailing trip. They’re driving through france and ending up at a water park. Water parks are filled with life guards and other families having fun. If water parks involved a ‘huge risk of drowning’ no one would go to them. They’re not swimming off the Cape of Good Hope!

Honestly, travelling through France in a camper van sounds enormous fun. It’s a bit of a famous five adventure. When I was little we drove to Provence in a car and slept in it on the way down. In was amazing fun.

Are you this worried about activities normally or is this just because it’s your ex wanting to do it?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 12/06/2025 09:27

I would have killed for a holiday like that when I was a kid.

YourWildAmberSloth · 12/06/2025 09:29

Sounds crazy but I'm sure the kids will be fine and will love it - if not, their dad can deal with it. Perhaps add some additional swimming sessions in the meantime just to improve their swimming skills.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 12/06/2025 09:42

They're away from you for 3 weeks in one go? I wouldn't be ok with that at all, regardless of holiday type.

Duckiess · 12/06/2025 10:06

Ignore the people sticking up for him, if he was a good parent he wouldn’t be planning such a long and potentially difficult trip for his first holiday with them. It’d be a week away in the UK first, to get used to spending time together in a camp site.
This is the usual type of story behind “she just won’t let me see my kids”. It’s never the school run or parents evening they are desperate to attend.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/06/2025 10:12

My XH only saw his five kids once a year. He'd take them camping to Cornwall (despite not paying a penny for them the rest of the year, he was such a cheapskate).
No, he didn't always look after them to my standards. No, he wasn't a responsible parent and sometimes the food they ate and the places they went weren't what I would have called suitable for kids. But he did it. They came back tired and hungry but with good memories of some of it. And it bonded them more closely together than any activity I could have done with them, as the eldest (who will have been 10 the first time they went, the youngest was 3) was expected to grow up and help look after the others/ They all looked after each other mostly.

DaisyChain505 · 12/06/2025 10:33

They’re not small kids.

They will be with their parent.

It sounds like a great trip.

DaisyChain505 · 12/06/2025 10:34

MadamCholetsbonnet · 12/06/2025 09:07

I wouldn’t want to be without my DC for three weeks so I would resist on that basis alone.

Well that’s selfish of you and putting your feelings before the children’s.

Why should your children miss out on potentially an amazing holiday with their other parent and their siblings because of your feelings?

crumblingschools · 12/06/2025 10:41

For the posters saying this will be an amazing adventure, do any of you have reservations about the NMO, the random stranger accompanying them, the fact that the dad has very little contact with them and is now suggesting 3 weeks cooped up in a camper van together

Codlingmoths · 12/06/2025 10:45

DaisyChain505 · 12/06/2025 10:34

Well that’s selfish of you and putting your feelings before the children’s.

Why should your children miss out on potentially an amazing holiday with their other parent and their siblings because of your feelings?

Show quote history

3 weeks is a long time and he’s not been the most active or present of parents. Nobody sends kids that age on a camp or anything for that long, and camps have qualified staff with processes to keep children safe such as rules about supervision in water.

TappyGilmore · 12/06/2025 10:57

Sounds like fun to me! 7, 8 and 9 are not “small” kids and in my country the normal adult to child ratio for supervising at water parks, pools etc is one adult to four kids (age 5-10).

Three weeks maybe sounds a little long but what would they be doing if they didn’t go? Presumably they’d still be with him not you, but at home. So I don’t think it makes much difference.

Original poster
HollaNack · 12/06/2025 11:34

Sorry, so I've said no. Because of the 3 weeks away from mum and I don't think they'd enjoy that.

He's said 'tough I'm doing it anyway' and won't compromise at 2 weeks, never mind 1.

I think it's a power thing. 'I'm their dad and I'll do what I want with them'

Yno. Whether they actually want to be away from their mum for 3 weeks is irrelevant to him.

I think it's that that concerns me. If anyone is scared or wants to come home, with his attitude like that, things could get dangerous actually.

Men can get themselves quite deep into inadvisable situations with that mindset. And he'd have my kids with him.

Is that valid? Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
HollaNack · 12/06/2025 11:34

If they were going with a selfless, reasonable man, I think my outlook on it would be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollaNack · 12/06/2025 11:35

The 3 weeks is definitely intended to fuck with me but that's by the by. I can swallow that, if the kids are actually ok.

OP posts:
scabbers27 · 12/06/2025 11:40

HollaNack · 12/06/2025 11:34

Sorry, so I've said no. Because of the 3 weeks away from mum and I don't think they'd enjoy that.

He's said 'tough I'm doing it anyway' and won't compromise at 2 weeks, never mind 1.

I think it's a power thing. 'I'm their dad and I'll do what I want with them'

Yno. Whether they actually want to be away from their mum for 3 weeks is irrelevant to him.

I think it's that that concerns me. If anyone is scared or wants to come home, with his attitude like that, things could get dangerous actually.

Men can get themselves quite deep into inadvisable situations with that mindset. And he'd have my kids with him.

Is that valid? Does that make sense?

It is valid. Completely. Three weeks is a long time and I’m sure he will struggle. But like you say, it’s about what he wants and he’s probably trying to prove a point - I’m their dad and I wont be dictated to by you.

It’s really really shit especially if he isn’t taking into account what the dc actually want. But short of blocking him taking them abroad through court (you’d have to say you believe he’s a flight risk or something) I don’t know what you can do to stop him. And be aware that if you do that and then decide you ever want to take your dc abroad he could do the same thing to you.

It’s very difficult trying to co parent with someone who thinks they know best and will do what they want regardless of the impact on everyone else.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 12/06/2025 11:41

I would love that holiday and so would my kids!

Almahart · 12/06/2025 11:47

It's completely valid OP, I think you are doing the right thing.

I honestly don't think it sounds psychologically/emotionally safe for your kids. Three weeks is too long for kids of this age (especially a 7 year old) to be away from their mum imo, and the friend is an unknown quantity.

I don't think this is coming from your husband putting the kids best interest at heart. A week would be far more suitable

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