Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

Couldn’t agree more. Automatically saying please and thank you eliminates an area where it’s necessary. I’ve been vigilant since I read this thread, both of us say please and thank you without even thinking about it. Maybe that’s helped us stay together for 27 years with barely any arguments.

Oh don’t be ridiculous. ‘Polite forms of speech’ come in many guises and don’t always have to involve the word ‘please’. Do you honestly think your child can not possibly do well in any ‘professions’ if they don’t always tack a please onto every single sentence. There are hundreds of ways of communicating politely and professionally without always resorting to one specific word.

And the OP wasn’t talking about a professional interaction. She was asking her partner to pass the remote control. Puh-lease!

How absolutely mundane and unimaginative to think that it is impossible to be polite without the word please.

“Can you pass the spanner, cheers?” makes no sense at all.

Cheers is used to replace ‘thank you’. Saying thank you when someone does something for you is totally different to always adding please to every request.

So no critical thinking or nuance recognition is required as long as the word ‘please’ is in the sentence? You must be really flummoxed by anyone attempting to be sarcastic. Or funny. Or rude. Best go back to your little simple life.

I understand what you mean my ex used to do this in a vindictive way and he never said please to me himself

Where was his please? Surely if we always need to say please he should have said "can you say please, please"
Or they could both behave like adults and understand there is a lot more to being polite than parroting a particular word. Only person with poor manners in this interaction was the DH.

A perfunctory, thoughtless word is absolutely pointless.

My ex wife started with things like this. I'd never ask in an impolite way. Just very casually, "arrgh I've left my keys upstairs can you bring them down with you?" But she would enforce that I should say please because otherwise I'm not respecting her.

It's a way of asserting power and dominance over someone.

Whatever you say. It’s an interesting opinion when it’s oiled the wheels of polite society for centuries. Just prepare to be judged and found wanting if you think it’s pointless.

I'm pretty sure they were being sarcastic, to make the point that most people with basic critical thinking recgonise nuance and tone outweigh an arbitrary word which could well be said in perfunctory, condescending or rude tones.
If they weren't then... Oh dear. Not a good indicator for the intelligence level of society

The judgement of anyone who is bent out of shape by normal social exchanges if they lack the ‘magic words’ isn’t really going to bother me. Not that I’m ever aware of it happening. TBH I think I’m only really aware of people saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when they’re being used passive-aggressively, because otherwise they’re pretty much content-free.

I do use these words in emails etc because the written word doesn’t convey tone.

I’m only really aware of people saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when they’re being used passive-aggressively,

Same. I only notice when people don’t say them, which is indicative to me that the vast majority of people do. It’s completely automatic to most people.

i Dunno, I’m on the fence here as tone of voice is important. All I know is when DH doesn’t say please to me, it sounds like I’m one of his minions, I think plenty of people respond with ‘what did your last slave die of?’ As without please it can sound like an order, with a please it sounds like a request.
it can also sound really bossy without a please!

Even with a please, whatever they are asking can also sound like an order though. And you can still taken for granted.

Talking from experience here…
Your issue isn’t the lack of please. It’s the fact the person, whoever it is, is taking you for granted/acts as if you are their maid. I even found d it true with me teenage dcs..l..

Absolutely this 👆🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Sorry I missed your reply and appreciate it's been a while since I posted on this thread...
Hubby and I probably always say 'thank you', but don't necessary say please every time as it's the tone and nuance that is important I feel. The crux of it is that we fully understand where the other is coming from so we too have barely had an argument in the 14 years we've been married (despite the 50% lack of 'please')
For e.g. I might say, "Could you pass me that my sweet?"...and then say thank you. Neither of us would take offence at the lack of please as the tone is appropriate/respectful.

YABU.

Say please in this situation