Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

My DH said the exact same thing to me about six months ago, i said the same as you. It’s not like you said GIVE ME THE REMOTE NOW. You asked could you pass me the remote? Technically he could have just said no rather than infantilising you. I told my DH that he knows me well enough to know that I would have thanked him when the remote was passed. It annoyed him later when I asked Alexa a question and said please. I still chuckle about that now.

DH and I always say please and thank you.

I don't know why, but we both find it a bit jarring when people don't automatically say it.

By the time we got close to adulthood it was just programmed into us and our adult DC are the same.

Yes “ please” is formally polite but you don’t need to be polite with a partner - not being rude is enough. Passing something that requires no effort is fine to not bother.

You make sure it’s used around children because they need to remember to be polite. Op doesn’t need schooling.

My DH says “thank you” when he’s a bit tense. He swears blind he’s polite and says it all the time but actually it’s s good indicator he’s a bit upset.

@Neuroticmillenial quick heads up - there's a lot of arseholes and trolls around this evening who are being antagonistic and confrontational, and will go out of their way to tell you that you were in the wrong. Ignore them.

I think it’s good to teach children to say please and thank you.

I’d probably reply “do you need a round of applause at the end too?”

I would be upset with him if he didn’t always say please when he asked me for something, but if he did always say please I’d take it as a sign that he still values the use of outward and obvious words of gratitude and start using them more.

I think it’s very much an expected norm (basic manners as PPs have said) in the wider society, but not in every home or close knit social group.

I would have a general chat with him

Ask him if this was a one off or does he have quietly bubbling resentment about your manners or perceived lack of and this tipped him over the edge

Ask him if he has a problem with helping you when you're breatfeeding or in general as the way he said it felt to you like a dig

Tell him you don't hear please and thank you all day long for all you do for the baby. And the only reason you need help from him to grab stuff is you're literally trapped by a baby a lot of the time.

If he's a nice guy he should reassure you.

He was going upstairs and you were breastfeeding his child. He should've had the manners to ask if you needed or wanted anything while he was up. Instead he patronised and infantalised you. He doesn't respect you. I'm sure you would've thanked him when he passed it to you.

Manners cost nothing.

It depends on the casualness of the interaction. I am very hot on manners but could very casually say “pass us the remote” and I don’t think that particular interaction requires a please, though I’d most likely say ‘ta’ when handed it.

I wouldn’t appreciate being ‘told’ to say please like a naughty child.

for this, regardless of who I was speaking to - husband, child, sister, bff - I would say ‘if you are done with that, please could you chuck it’ . It’s just automatic for me, for everyone I know, for my children etc - and I would find it really strange if someone missed out the please. It just doesn’t sound right. A bit like when someone whose second language is English might miss out the verb to be ‘oh, that place, I love it, I going there’ for example. You know what they mean, but it doesn’t sound right.

This is spot on imo

It's basic manners and should come naturally to an adult. Kids learn by example.

Please should be a natural thing to say after a request. Manners.

'Pass me the x, please' is a command. I think common day usage has softened it to 'could you, pass me the x' - even though it is gramatically meaningless.

I don't tend to use 'please' at home, unless I'm being stern with someone. I would use it more in formal interactions.

I find mumsnet idea that you can say anything politely, by putting 'please' on the end, bizarre - 'I politely asked a complete stranger to please not do something (that was not illegal or immoral) in public and they rudely told me to mind my own business', If the stranger said 'mind your own business, please' it would probably be fine.

Your DH was BU. He should have passed you the remote, realised you were stuck under the baby and asked if you needed anything else before he went upstairs.

If someone said to me 'hold the door, please' - i would find that unusual. Somone upthread used it as an example of their politeness. You are actually commanding me to hold the door for you. I would wonder why.

Saying please and thankyou is really important. Especially when you have children you need to model politeness and good behavior around.

Oh, come oooon!!!!!!! I am sure he is feeding his child as well, nothing to do with each other!!!
I would demand please as well, is basic manners. If that makes me patronising, fine, but get your own if you can't use a second to say please. Never happened though. You are not forced to say please, I am not forced to do you a favour. And I am in a loving relationship as well.

Of course you should say please!

How rude! OP asked an opinion, we give it, and are called arseholes and trolls because some of us do not agree with OP. No one insulted anyone, no one went for a fight. Just different perspective. Nice, talking about manners.

The issue with all the responses saying that Please is basic manners, is that they ignore the fact that telling your wife off in the way OP describes is not just forgetting basic manners (assuming saying please in this sort of situation is a norm in their household), it’s deliberately belittling. These are “offences” on very different levels.

To respond to OP as though the issue here is that she forgot to say please is condoning that belittling.

Obviously you can ask something rudely while saying please and ask politely without it, and obviously it’s rude as fuck to scold
anotjer adult for whom you’re supposed to love and care like a schoolchild, but the majority of posts on here nowadays are written as reflex actions with no critical thinking and that’s how I read the “say please” brigade. They’ve remembered their mummies telling them it’s polite to say please and now think they say it every single time. It’s perfectly normal and acceptable in real life to say “pass me that, would you?” in a polite tone to someone you love and live with. Anyone with two brain cells can work out you can ask for something politely without a single word. But it’s nice to come online and tell someone off I suppose. The husband is an arse and I bet this isn’t the last time he does something like this. Once they get a taste of being able to lord over you they keep doing it, which is also what’s happening here.

Depends on the tone he used.

It never ceases to amaze me how worked up people get over things on here - I don’t think I’d even notice whether DH said please or not in that scenario 🙈

I also find it vaguely amusing that the posts from people insisting on “please and thank you” are probably the most rude and snippy - there’s more to good manners than just parroting platitudes.

You can ask politely without saying please. "Could you pass me the remote?" to a spouse is polite enough for that kind of request.

It's very rude and patronising to tell your spouse to say please in this context. I'd tear a strip off DH if he spoke to me in such a patronising way.