Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

YABU. Saying please is just basic manners.

I think it's one thing to remind someone to say please if they habitually forget and speak in a demanding way , but to then ask you to repeat the full sentence is really not ok , controlling and humiliating.

You really should be teaching your kids to say please! And thank you!!
It’s not nit picky. It’s basic manners and they’ll struggle in life without them.

I think he was patronising and spoke down to you OP. Unpopular view on this thread though apparently!

I get manners have their place - “would you like a cup of tea” “yes please” - completely normal interaction.

”Would you mind passing me the remote” “here” “thanks” another normal interaction, with manners, as you would say thank you.

Personally I’d find it odd, and quite false, to ask my DH of almost 20 years in a casual setting to “pass the remote please”! “Thank you, your lordship!”

Exactly. It seems that many posters are in very formal relationships.

Exactly!! He has issues!!

LOL, he was wrong

Yup. You ask pardon if you've farted or belched or done something wrong. If you don't hear and want a repeat you say 'What?' which is short for what did you say.

It would have been nice to say please but depends on your overall tone. Sometimes the please is implied imo (and I say this as an over polite person if anything!). It was rude of him to demand unless it's a pattern of feeling like you aren't polite onto him. Or is there a history of him being rude/unkind to you? It feels like there might be a backstory here.

“say please” is really a rude way to ask someone to do something.

what he should have said is “can you please say please”.

The guy has no manners.

My husband got narky at me in the early days with a newborn because I didn't mind my Ps and Q's quite to his liking.

I made him ask me to please breastfeed our child through the night and thank you so much for feeding our child through the night until he got the point.

I think it's unnecessary to always use please, and in the circumstances of setting an example to a toddler, I don't think chastising a parent helps.

If I said please because I really wanted it (after pointing out the pettiness) because technically he is in the right. THEN from that moment on for the next month or so I would pull him up on any failure to say please, any deviation from formal manners and no favours or putting myself out for him. Also no slacking off from responsibilities towards baby - after all you only required him to pass it because you were BF. Two can play at that game and I'm petty. I'd even be petty enough to say 'you started it', when he complained. He would think twice next time. Probably not the right answer, but it is the truth.
OR, more likely I would have replied 'fine don't, I'd rather manage without it than be treated like a child'

Well he didn't say please when asking OP to say please so he was actually being very unreasonable himself!

Well he didn’t say please when he made HIS request.

This just shows how limited the "always say please" assertion is.

I know. He's probably annoyed that the kids say "what?", thinking I'm dragging them up.

??

You expected him to say "say please please"?

Yes, it's just basic manners isn't it? 😏

🙄FFS

The point I was making was that when you're under pressure as a couple it can be easy to drop things like this that ends up causing resentment to build. Either ops dh is just a prick, or he's feeling disrespected and doesn't like how he's being spoken to. If it's the second then he should communicate that to his other half. I'd expect a partner to say please and thank you to me and if they stopped then I'd probably comment on it eventually.

To me this reads like he's feeling resentful about something and this is how it's come out. Which is really easy done when you've just had a baby, are sleep deprived, both in demand in different ways and are getting no time as a couple.

The first part of this is a standing joke in our house. What do we say?…

I’ve been married a long time. I only see please when it requires effort. We are both fine with it

I can’t see tone making thie words OP quoted acceptable.

It's a bit odd to be precisely estimating effort for the other person before deciding whether a particular request warrants basic politeness or curt commands. Whether you were taught how to behave as a child or not, you're an adult now OP, and raising a child yourself, it's on you to start modelling normal language skills. Say please and thank you, it's a minimum standard.

If he absolutely always says please himself then I think it's ok. If he doesn't then he can piss right off with that patronising bullshit.