Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

Good for him, I would have said the same thing. It’s just basic courtesy to say ‘please’ at the end of the request.

I think it's fair for him to call you out on not saying please but he could have done it in a nicer way.

Why does does someone need to be called out for not saying the word please if they've just asked for remote and its their home... they are a couple and op has asked in a reasonable way. Who goes out of their way to call out their partner over something as pathetic as that. Is she 5? No shes not. She doesn't need to be called out... nothing calling out worthy happened.

be more mindful in future.

Be mindul of what ? Making sure you dont forget to say please in case your partnet cant handle it?? NO!! unless shes being rude to him every time she asks for the control there's no reason to be mindul of saying please all the time in your own home.

It’s an informal conversation so you YANBU. Does he say thank you to you for bf your child? I thought not.

By his own standards he should have said "Say please, please", rather than just "Say please" so on that basis your replay should have been "Say please, please, please". HTH

So many dickheads. Please isn't a magic word. You can say something rudely whilst saying please, and you can also ask something in a perfectly pleasant manner, without saying the word please. All in the tone.

I definitely know his tone. Dickhead.

The way op’s Dh spoke to her was absolutely not ok. She is not a child.

In a normal, loving, relaxed, friendly relationship it is perfectly fine to not finish every single minor request with ‘please’. It’s about tone and context.
Her Dh was clearly being goady and belittling.

Please bare in mind that there a many men out there that get a kick out of controlling women and putting them down etc…. (Not saying this is op’s situation).

I could never imagine a situation where my DH said this to me over something so minor. It’s shocking to me that so many women on this thread think it’s alright.

So many ill mannered dickheads.

If we’re trying to get language, grammar etc. correct then the response to ‘Could you pass me the …X, Y, Z’, is either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. I.E. 'Yes, I could' or 'No. I couldn’t'. Could or would you sentences are questions and don’t need please; they are asking if the respondent has the ability to do something or if they will do something.

‘Could you pass me the remote please ?’ is neither one thing nor another.

‘Please pass me the X, Y, Z’, or ‘Pass me the X, Y, Z, please’, doesn’t sound as friendly but is the correct request.

Please is a word which should be used either before or at the end of a request, not a question. Perhaps ‘DH’ needs to revisit his understanding of the English language.

I really don’t think a ‘chat about it when the kids are in bed’ is needed here🤣 he’s reminded her to say please, that’s it!

It’s also not pedantic to expect manners. If you don’t, that’s fine. I do.

There's a current running thread entitled

Help me figure out how to tell him

nobody has batted an eyelid about that request!

YABU. I think it's basic manners, but it's not as common anymore where I am, which I think is a shame.

Of course you teach your kids to say please and thank you when out and about , being served in a restaurant for example but there is an informality when at home with a loved one

can I have the remote
ta

pass us that nappy
cheers

you want kechup?
yeah

all perfectly pleasant and relaxed and no one is raising ignorant thugs

Absolutely.

The glorious irony of this thread. Every single poster who’s said OP WBU, and thinks it’s ok to scold another adult like this is actually demonstrating they haven’t actually got a clue about real manners, respect, courtesy.

Your DH was being extremely rude, OP, and you shouldn’t tolerate it. He needs to learn some basic manners. He shouldn’t talk to you as if you were a child he’s educating; he shouldn’t try to compel your speech; he shouldn’t make an issue of something perfectly ordinary and everyday like this.

Is he generally an arsehole or was this out of character for him?

This fucking 'basic manners' brigade are boring people who don't seem to have anything else to worry about. I just see you all as Annabel's party people trying to sounds normal all the time. Some people don't come from places where it is all that common to say please and thankyou. Having a nice tone is ok by me. It's petty of your husband to ask that. I would say where I'm from, if you say please it often means you are annoyed or you're throwing someone out of a venue, so you have reverted to faux polite speak to get your point across.

There was a post (maybe BP?) on how some children did better at uni, jobs applications etc because of "soft skills". I got my first waiting on job because the other girl being interviewed didn't say please and thank you, and I did.
Obviously there's a time and a place-if you've got toothache/a bad cold etc you might try to minimise speaking, and with your partner it's not quite the same, but it's easier to teach kids to say please and thank you because they'll (generally) sound more polite and considerate.
At parties, the kid who says thank you isn't necessarily more polite than the one who smiles and high fives the helper taking round the sweets, but saying please and thank you means you're always acknowledging the other person and (hopefully) means they won't blank or ignore waiters etc. Teachers often remember the only kid in the class who tells them thanks for organising a trip.

Petty much!

And this is one of the most batshit poll results I’ve ever seen on MN.

But he didn't say please...

He just said "say please". He should have said "please say please"

Yeah! Where's his manners? Lazy bastard.

I literally cannot believe the results of this poll. Same please and thank you to loved ones is absolutely fine, but it’s also fine to know that it’s not always appropriate or necessary. What your husband is talking about is overly formal manners, and remind me of JD Vance versus Zelenskyy. I know who I’d rather be married to!

A couple of years ago I said "what?" to my very much EX partner in front of the kids and he corrected me to say "pardon?"!!

Obviously I didn't want to have a row in front of the kids but it was the most patronising thing ever.

Please and thank you
Manners are manners

another thing that’s kinda impolite, is starting a thread on Aibu where nighttime traffic is vast, and not responding to people who give you their own time to respond to your query.

Children learn by example not by being told what to do, if you never say 'please' and 'thank you', they'll never learn.

I had this issue with my now ex-husband, he would say 'give me' this or that and never ask nicely or smile when he asked for things and guess what, my daughter followed suit, and then now ex-husband got furious with her for lack of respect!!!

Monkey see; monkey do.

Wouldnt bother me.

Its not a fomal request its more like "if you are done with that, chuck it over".

I always get a bit of a spidey sense when the nit picking starts....never known it not to escalate into a "you always...." "you never....."