Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

I’d argue that what a child learns here is that it’s important to remember to use your manners, and that everybody should be using their manners, which is exactly the lesson I teach my own children :)

Unless someone feels disrespected in a general way I wouldn't expect them to respond in such a manner.
It's true that 'please' and 'thank you' are good manners and it's good to teach children to say it.

But equally in normal day to day pleasant conversation within the family, if a request is made with a pleasant tone and everyone helps eachother, that actual word shouldn't strictly be necessary.

The intent of 'please' should be ingrained in what you're saying if you are usually kind and respectful to eachother.

I get that you forgot to say please and if DH said that to me I’d say ‘sorry, please.’ You have no leg to stand on.

You'd be ok with being told off like a naughty child by your husband?

And if he is adult enough, instead of scolding her like a child, he could have waited that said child wasn’t around (another good habit to get into right?) and explain he’d prefer her to say please, esp in front of their child.
That’s what you call having an adult conversation, something children ALSO need to see. Not one parent telling the other parent off.

And if he (and you) wants to be pedantic around P&T, then he’d better remember it when he is going to plan something for himself at weekend (like he needs to ask and say please too rather than ‘is that ok I’m going out Saturday evening’). Same thing right?

Sounds somewhat like negging to me.

It’s fine as long as you don’t then get annoyed with your toddler for not saying please / never remind them to. Set an example for your kids!

I say please for anything. ‘Can you pass me that xxxx please?’. ‘Would you mind getting me a drink please?’ ‘Hold the door please’ ‘excuse me please’ and expect my DC to do the same. You’re modelling behaviour - if you don’t say please the DC will not say please……..it’s just rude not to regardless of who you’re talking to

He said “say please”, I wouldn’t call that being told off! But if I’d been rude and forgotten my manners I’d have no issue being pulled up on that.

We say please and thank you, it's just what we've always done.

We'll say thank you for dinner, thank you for the walk etc. It may seem weird to some people, because we have no small children to be setting an example to, but we both just like politeness. It's old fashioned and nice to show appreciation for simple things.

That was what a parent would say to a child. You wouldn’t say that to a friend. That would be considered rude.
So why is it ok to say it to your spouse? And suddenly it’s not rude?
Do you think he’d take it well if the OP was telling him the same? Because I very much doubt it. I actually doubt anyone on this thread would.

There’s more to courtesy than please and thank you. They are pretty tokenist to be honest.

I’ve heard many a barked order with a please thrown on the end, and many a graceless thank you muttered.

I think he should have been kind enough to ask if you wanted the remote since you were stuck feeding his offspring with your own body.
Something off about the father of your child demanding this off you imo.

I’m guessing he never says ‘please’ to you, OP?

Modelling considerate behaviour is essential. We lead by example.

YABU.

"Say please." is a demand, not a discussion between adults. He even modeled the sentence for her, like an adult would to a child - "Pass me the remote, PLEASE"

This is just plain rude, and if you can't see that, or think that that is an acceptable way to speak to another adult let alone your wife, I really don't know what to say...

I can't understand why you didn't say please, unless of course you are rude to everyone and not just your H.

It's automatic.

And I assume your H is aware of the need to teach your child manners and was irritated by you not setting an example infront of the child.

If you normally say please and thank you and this was a one off slip then a cheeky "Don't you mean please mummy?" would have done the job. If you regularly don't say please or thank you then I'd have to agree on him pulling you up on it. But then it is a pet peeve of mine

It just feels petty to me, and I bet OP is usually modelling please and thank you in front of her kids. Let’s all be realistic and nuanced… sometimes in interactions we do omit this and it doesn’t mean we are being rude or bad mannered. Jheez.

I would absolutely say that to a friend, or my husband, or anyone really. Again- it’s just basic manners.

You really shouldn’t need a full on discussion for your partner, an adult, to say please🤣🤣

Again, basic manners. If you don’t have them, it’s totally fine for someone- anyone- to pull you up on that.

Training my DS to say please and thank you took me years so hearing my DH’s lack of manners in front of DS had me raging and I would also pull him up on it. It’s basic manners and both parents need to model the wanted behaviour. Manners cost nothing.

I think op when you're in the trenches with a new baby it's a lot of pressure on your relationship, even if it's otherwise solid. It's easy to get ratty with each other or feel taken for granted or take for granted when you don't have the same bandwidth to be thoughtful and considerate from lack of sleep and the demand on you.

I think it's fair for him to call you out on not saying please but he could have done it in a nicer way.

Unless there's a backstory to him undermining or infantalising you then if this is a one off I'd let it go and be more mindful in future. If there's a pattern to this, then you need to call him out calmly and directly.

100 per cent with you about asking nicely being the key not about a please!

Agree with your DH, it is basic manners. YABU