Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

I’ve been keeping an ear out after this thread and the other day a student came to ask me for something - she said, verbatim - “do you have some scissors I can borrow?”. No please, so it must have been excruciatingly rude, right? Except she was smiling, giving eye contact and asking in a pleasant tone of voice so it was perfectly polite.

If you’re one of those insisting every request MUST have please on it to be polite, you’re really showing a lack of critical thinking skills or ability to recognise nuance and tone. Apparently if she’d said “scissors, now please” that’s always polite!

your partner is right, always add please and thank you. It's basic manners and should come naturally to an adult.
used each time around children and you’ll raise children, teens and adults who know their manners too.

I’m trying to imagine people like you do it a renovation/building project. It must take ages with all the please and thank yous for passing that tool and holding that bit and turning the other way and what not.

The irony, OP says I’m not a child, then posts the most childish sulk ever. 😂

That's appropriate boundary setting on his part: you should say please, especially if he says please when asking for things. It's common decency - and especially important when talking to your partner! The fact you are being so defensive about it is rather telling...why are you so annoyed about being told to be polite?

Wow - is that really the best excuse you can think up for not saying please and thank you?? Takes no time at all to say those words and certainly doesn't hold up any work. Having observed my builders at work they always say "cheers" - and they also aren't in (well, not that I know of!) a romantic relationship!!

If you're feeding his child and cannot move, the polite thing was for him to ask if you needed anything, or to say "here's the remote" if he was hogging it before getting up, surely?

Ask him to say thank you everytime you feed his child.

He was helping to facilitate you doing something for the family. A bare minimum to the task you were doing, for no please and thank yous.

I'd have probably said, "oi you forgot to give me the remote".

If your partner was stuck physically under something and you knew that and didn't offer YOU are the rude person.

I've been in the same situation. It's a power play on their part. For instance if you say to another adult, would you mind helping with this, and they reply, only if you say please - at that point they're telling you to beg. It's different to teaching a child good manners.

Exactly, you're not a child, so you should have learned to be polite by now.

It is annoying but i don't even like it when people say excuse me without a please on the end

I’m always telling my husband to say please or ask nicely. I’m not dobby the bloody house elf.

Likewise, is it something he should get worked up about?

I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

This 👆

Should say please. Also if someone hands you something you should say thank you.

If you automatically say please and thank you no critical thinking or ability to recognise nuance or tone is required. It makes life simple.

Why would you want to demonstrate such poor manners to your child?

@AtomicBlondeRoseThat just sounds like a load of word salad to excuse not using basic manners required of a civilised society 🤨

I’d say something like ‘chuck us the remote’ and then he’d get a ‘thanks love’ or a kiss. He’d think I was being frosty for some reason if I said ‘please would you pass me the remote’. There are so many polite and rude ways to say things, and tone of voice does a lot. If it was about modelling it then that’s a conversation he should have had with you first, unbelievably rude of him to tell you off.

Hmm this is quite subjective I think. Personally it would annoy me on a long term basis but not as a one off.
I used to have a manager who would ask “can you just ….. insert task here…”. Not impolitely, but it really pissed me off that she never said please. Or thank you for that matter.

Critical thinking and ability to recognise nuance and tone is a vital and necessary skill to develop in life in order to avoid conflict

Absolutely this 👆🏻