Husband told me to say please

[Neuroticmillenial]

Was sat on the sofa bf my toddler and asked DH if he could pass me the remote as he was going upstairs. I didn’t demand or shout, just said, “could you pass me the remote?”. He replied, “say please”… “Could you pass me the remote, PLEASE”.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child and he said it’s basic manners.

aibu?

I always say please and thankyou even if I'm mad
Or otherwise it's instilled in me

Agree, it sounds so basic but I still have to remind my elderly father to say please and thank you because it just should be ingrained in the psyche. Especially with kiddos around just model behaviour

If not in front of the kid, then what's the problem? You asked, you didn't demand or order him. I would be tempted in future to end future requests to him with "if it pleases you", or "by your favour", or "if you see it well" (formal French, Spanish and Welsh, respectively). I mean, what a fuss-budget! What are "manners"? Manners are what is customary - what is generally done (in formal situations, between strangers, not close friends and married couples). But this is not at all the same as courtesy. It's just politesse.

I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child

Maybe he didn't like being asked for something without basic manners coming with it?

I agree with a lot of posts that think he is being petty. My husband is italian and in his culture please and thank you are often not said when asking for something to be passed for example. You would use it in formal situations but not in a situation such as ops.

Yes it seems petty to me maybe he was fed up and just wanted to nit pick for want of a better word. Ignore him.

Maybe he needs to talk to his dwife with the same respect he’d give a friend? Because no way he’d talk to a friend or a colleague like that.
What makes it different there??

Manners go both ways and he certainly wasn’t a beacon of politeness himself.

My bloke laughs at me because saying please is so automatic I say it to Alexa. This reminds me of my cousin saying as a child “If you must snatch, please snatch nicely”.

Absolutely. I can’t honestly believe posters say please to their partners in every single interaction where they ask them to do something?

Surely if you ask in a perfectly polite way there is no need to prompt a ‘please’. What happens if you ask in a really rude or sarcastic way but add a please at the end? Is that ok?

Manners are indeed everything but there are lots of ways of asking really politely and being really lovely about requesting something without necessarily saying please. What a pedantic arsehole.

learn some good manners yourself and teach them to your kids
its basic human dignity and your own kids will be well liked for it

We always say please and thank you to set a good example and it's worked as our DC have good manners. Even without DC I would ask DH to pass the control please. A form of basic respect.

YANBU

Ask him has he thanked you yet for bringing his child into the world and breastfeeding him or her all night every night for however long it's been.

Tell him you expect to be thanked every morning when he wakes up after you've taken care of the baby all night while he slept.

Make him thank you for all the cleaning you do and all the meals you prepare for him too.

The effing arrogant so and so.

Don't let him get away with this dickish behaviour. He absolutely was talking down to you, and it wasn't kind.

It is piss poor manners to correct somebody else’s manners, so he is already unreasonable. On top of that, we remind children to mind their p’s and q’s because they can’t differentiate between when please and thank you are necessary and when not. As long as you ask in a courteous tone, that is sufficient (imho) .

It is definitely a way of feeling superior

Yes, exactly.
And the OPs request ‘could you…’ was a perfectly polite form, it’s not as though she just barked ‘pass me the remote’.

This. Why would you not say please can you pass me x?

It's more about tone - saying "please" doesn't magically make you polite. Depends on the tone of "could you pass me the remote". If it was polite and nice, just annoying and condescending to be nitpicked on like a child. If it was snappy or brief, maybe he felt offended which is valid.

I don't know why some keep insisting that asking someone to do something without saying "please" is "perfectly polite". What someone says in other languages or cultures is their own business, so what an Italian says is irrelevant to communicating in English. Omitting "please" quite literally is NOT polite in English, the word "please" only exists to turn requests into a polite form rather than a command. "Please" indicates respect that the other person ALWAYS has a choice. The philosopher Kant covered this neatly in explaining that it's the difference between treating someone as an "end" rather than only the means to get what you want.

Let's think of the risks involved in being polite to your own partner versus being impolite. I can see lots of risks in being impolite, and OP bumped into one she didn't like - the other person starts being impolite right back to you! Now, I'm happy to be persuaded, tell me - what risk is being run by saying "please"?

In my profession I've seen a lot of adults acting superior and well-mannered but basically using "manners" as a really passive aggressive shield.

I'd rather my DC learn the "spirit of the law" rather than the "letter of the law" if that makes sense – it's more about being genuinely unassuming and polite than putting on airs. Makes for more likeable and pleasant DCs especially as adults.

"Please" is nice to say but an obsession with it at the expense of actually being polite (eg OP's DP could have expressed his feelings in a much nicer way) seems rather pointless.

@GRex not quite. "Do this now please." in snippy or even a neutral commanding tone
vs "do you think you could you do this?"/"I'd really like it if you could do this" in nice, collaborative tone
Which would you prefer to have directed at you?

It doesn't hurt to learn to say "please" certainly. But the sort of mothers I encounter daily who have a particular obsession with it – and who are very smug that their DC are perfectly well-mannered angels – are not people you'd want to be around. Neither are their DC for that matter. I'd far rather teach my child about real politeness than be pedantic about a single word.

And yes I do think it can sometimes be a bit mutually exclusive, in that a single minded obsession with a particular word like you see in this thread CAN detract from the actual spirit of politeness.

It isn't a choice, being polite OR saying please children (and clearly some adults) ought to learn to do both. You'll really do your kids no good at all if they want to go into professions @cursedsleep, and you've taught them that polite forms of speech are optional when dealing with colleagues and clients. Email and messaging platforms have no tone, people would be outraged to receive their commands, regardless of the "spirit" they have.

Adding "now" makes the first one rude, because the timing counteracts the spirit of it being a request.

"do you think you could you do this?" - you think I need to consider if I'm even capable of picking up a remote control, how thick do you think I am?

"I'd really like it if you could do this" - again "could" when you mean "would", and all thrown into passive voice, which can easily be perceived as aggressive.

Why can you NOT say a perfectly normal: "Please would you pass me the remote?"

I'd addressed this in my last paragraph actually, hence my use of "mutually exclusive". :) Both are nice of course, but the reality of everyday parenting is that everything calls for prioritisation. A pedantic, single minded focus on an arbitrary word means it will often be perfunctorily used in tones that aren't too pleasant.

To be very honest, the rest of your post (especially about "wanting to go into professions (?)) seems to be teaching a grandmother to suck eggs. (Just as a good natured fyi, from personal experience whether in industries like law or at corporate c-suite level you particularly have to be mindful of tone in emails and written communication - there are those that aren't but this inevitably proves a bad idea years down the line. Today's workplace culture has changed a lot from the 00s and 10s.)

Sure. How about "pass me the remote please" in a brief, snippy tone vs "could you pass me the remote?" in a nice respectful tone. It's obvious which one you'd prefer your DH to direct at you.

You could, of course, say "please" combined with a nice tone, but it's entirely a delusion to think merely throwing a perfunctory "please" in there makes it more palatable.

Yeah, you’re being unreasonable. Grow up.

I’m a granny so well past the toddler stage but I remember the joys and challenges of the early years! It is important to model good manners as they grow up and children do pick up on these things if we don’t.

You’re both dealing with extra stress and the responsibilities of parenthood and it’s so easy to get snappy with our partner. Have a talk with your DH at a time when things are more relaxed. Explain how it made you feel and listen to him. I know it sounds a bit trite but communication and understanding are key. So much can be due to different expectations in our own upbringing.

We had a silly word that we would use to remind our DC to say please and it drove them nuts! 😅 and decades on they occasionally refer to it jokingly. My own bugbear is someone saying what instead of pardon - but I button my lip.