To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Well there's no way around it

You need to say sorry this is our family day, special tradition.

And for what it's worth, I think it's fine to say this to them and to feel like this

Why not start a new day out “tradition” for your own family and continue to invite them for this one? They obviously had a lovely time. It feels mean to exclude them from something they enjoy.

Can't you just go to the zoo by yourselves on a different day? Does it matter if you do two trips to the zoo each year?

Um- you can go to the zoo twice - or three times - or as often as you like! If it's expensive can you get a membership so you can literally go as often as you like? Then one visit a year with them and at least one without.

The zoo trip is our special family day.
I'm sure we could arrange something else where we all get together though - what about [insert whatever you might fancy]?

You say we’re having our sulking-household only trip on the 5th, but if you’d like to join us for a zoo trip we could make a date next month for all of us if you like?

Just say lets go to the aquarium!

Go to the aquarium.and the next week go to the zoo.

If they ask say its something your parents did with just you as a child its a tradition you want to keep so you do one family onky trip each year.
They are welcome to take the kids to the zoo with your dh in aug/ sep whatever if they want

So, there’s a specific event on a specific weekend, which is why we go on the same weekend every year. So we can’t really go twice because it won’t be on.

but I do agree, and as mentioned in the OG post we do have other days out with them and I suggested to DH that we go somewhere else with them the following weekend instead but they’re continuing to ask which day we’re going to the zoo. I don’t want to be mean to them but they can go by themselves if they actually enjoy the event. But they’ve said in previous years they won’t go if we don’t.. so I’m a bit put out by it now 😫

I do get this OP, and it's tricky. Do you get on with them? I'd explain what you've explained here- it was your family's tradition with your parents and you'd like to go on with that tradition this year. But I'd have something else planned to do with them, maybe a theme park or aquarium or different zoo. I'd be coating this in a lot of "I know it may seem a bit silly!" and "We're looking forward so much to spending time with you in the theme park!"

This is exactly what I’ve suggested DH say (I’m a really anxious person and am not able to face this kind of confrontation on my own 🤣) but DH said he feels bad and isn’t keen on letting them down 😟

Your feelings are absolutely fine. It’s not like you deny your in-laws to have some traditions with your kids. I think you need to downplay it a bit saying: Oh we would rather go by ourselves ( without mentioning that it’s your special family day) And then move the conversation.
Has someone of you mentioned last year about special family day ? They probably misunderstood and thought that they were included as a family.

Go on a different day just for the 4 of you, surely that's an obvious thing to do.

Yeah we get on with them great which I think makes it harder! The kids loves them too and k think DH is using that as a bit of ammunition against me to avoid saying no 🫣

I know I need to say it myself, and they shouldn’t be offended as it’s not meant to offence at all. But as it’s been 4 years now it feel a bit awkward to be like “actually can you not come because this day was meant to be just for us?” Obviously said nicer than that 🤣

I would just pick somewhere else for your family day and make that specific from the beginning it’s just for you, partner and kids. Eg go to the aquarium or wherever every September. I think it is a bit rude now to uninvite them.
What should have happened is when they asked initially you husband should have said no that is a special family thing for us but would you like to come with us to the aquarium (or wherever) in a few weekends time. I think the issue was letting them come once then it is no longer a thing for just you.

I think it's fine for your husband to explain to his side that you're keeping this as a family day as you want to keep up the tradition from your own childhood. But I would suggest starting a new tradition with his dad and sister, could find another annual event that might suit?

If it’s four years it’s too late to change it now. It also sounds as if the rest of the family is happy for them to go and it’s just you who objects. I think you’re going to have to suck it up now and accept that it’s a different kind of day out. Will your kids still want to go if their grandad and auntie don’t?

I feel for you! You are not wrong to feel this but if they have come with you 4 years running this is going to come like a bolt out of the blue.

I think best way to do it might be to try and substitute a tradition which is for them.. 'want to establish X as the DH family annual trip' and 'keep the zoo event just for us'.

I think it is likely they'll still think you are a bit precious.

Can you not just go to the zoo another day yourselves?

Why have you let it get as far as 4 years in a row? You’ve effectively created a tradition!

If you want to stop it you can’t dance around the bush - be clear and be blunt so that there are no misunderstandings. But at the same time have a think about something you can do with them to create a new tradition.

If you can’t say it yourself then don’t expect your DH to tell them. If my DP wanted to exclude my family but didn’t want to say it himself and expected me to do it I’d tell him to fuck off. Either own it and explain you don’t want them to come or just let them come.

I honestly couldn’t get worked up about it. Maybe be grateful that you have close family who care about you and your kids - not everyone does. And your kids love them too - you’re the one who’s put out and at your age you should be able to deal with the fact that not everything goes your way 100% of the time. You sound a bit jealous that the kids go off with your SIL as well.

You’re not unreasonable to feel this way but either way you need to suck it up and just say, as nicely and gently as possible, that you really want this specific day to be just the two of you and your children. If they get offended that’s okay, it’s on them. Cushion it with another event to do together if it makes it easier.

”Look I’m sorry, I don’t want this to be weird but we really need a day together just ourselves and the kids and have been looking forward to this as that. It’s something special I did growing up with my parents and I just want to be able to enjoy it with DH and the kids as a unit. I don’t want you to think we don’t want to spend time with you too though. How about we all go to X or Y in the following weekend/Z date? I know we’d all really enjoy that too.”

Thing is, they would be absolutely unreasonable themselves to get pissy because you want to spend a day just with your husband and children.

This.
The zoo is open more than one day a year!

Just give them a different date, and go to the zoo twice!

Four years into this - they are part of your tradition now.

Exactly. If they have been asking what day you’re going then they clearly don’t even known when this special event is on so just say we’re going on the 14th of June or whatever and have your zoo day with them then and then go to the special event on your own.

I’m struggling to think of what sort of event at a zoo would be so amazing that you absolutely have to go to it every year.