To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Wish I had this problem! Family far away and not
too bothered. We have days all the time as a four, my children often look wistfully at families out with grandparents. If your kids enjoy their company and like them being there on the day. This is your thing you’re carrying that you kind of need to get over. Feels like you are almost finding a problem when there isn’t one? Family movie night after the zoo or another tradition at home that’s held back for this special day - that will mean more to the children!

Ridiculous responses saying it’s been four years so you just have to suck it up, couldn’t possibly change it and it’s their tradition now, not yours. What if it was four years of your in-laws joining your family holiday or insisting on doing Christmas Day their way in their home? Everyone would be saying you’re fine to change it up and choose to do something just with your immediate family - and that the relatives would be unreasonable to be upset or offended by that.

You say your DH invited them the first time, and it seems from what you wrote that he did so without consulting you first - it’s not like you had a chance to stop it happening then anyway but even so, you shouldn’t have to put up with it now for all eternity. Your husband should address it with his family as he’s the one that caused this issue it to begin with!

It’s an experience that is precious to you because it’s a special day with your husband and children. You don’t need to feel guilty about that or have compromise in a way that negatively affects the experience for you.

Of course I have, but since they keep asking OP when she is going, instead of looking up when the event is, I doubt they are going to start now.

And it's not cruel, it saves their feelings.

What would "save their feelings" even more is just letting them come along on the trip and not being so precious about a few hours out of a whole year.

Pretty sure OP has told you that the FIL and SIL see the kids every week and have plenty of days out.

This is a day for OP to take her kids to the zoo.

She is allowed that.

Well, yes, that's an option. So is mine. OP, may choose at her leisure and I am sure a variety of suggestions is what she was looking for.

But for what it's worth, sometimes a family tradition is "precious", it only being a few hours out of an entire year only making it more precious, and there's nothing wrong with wishing to keep it that way.

Pretty sure OP has told you that the FIL and SIL see the kids every week and have plenty of days out.

This is a day for OP to take her kids to the zoo.

She is allowed that.

Pretty sure OP has told you that the FIL and SIL see the kids every week and have plenty of days out.

This is a day for OP to take her kids to the zoo.

She is allowed that.

Every family has their own traditions.

How would you like it if we told you the way you do Christmas Day mornings is wrong?

So, there’s a specific event on a specific weekend, which is why we go on the same weekend every year. So we can’t really go twice because it won’t be on.

@Sulking do they know about the specific "thing"? If they don't then just lie and tell them you've already been or you're not bothering this year.
If they're ok to do it, maybe suggest they take the kids separately at some point?

Just read the effing thread, or even just the latest four posts. Surely that's an obvious thing to do.

Totally reasonable that you’d rather they didn’t go. But it’s about weighing up whether this is a battle worth picking. If this has the potential to hurt and alienate lovely family members then maybe not and you need to suck it up. If there are wider issues, maybe this is a way to start instilling some boundaries.
FWIW though, family traditions are lovely but can also be a rod for your own back trying to create the perfect day / celebration etc.

So thankful to you to waking up to have your own family around you.
They are the outer family to you all. Consider to what you want moving forward.

Set up a tradition with just them and you guys doing something else,then hopefully they forget about the zoo , especially if you make a fuss about the new tradition including them

Seriously just say this next zoo trip is just us but we can all go together in (month) or indeed you could take the kids then and give DH and me a day off.

TBH I feel it is going to be difficult to un-invite them now that they have been invited once and are keen to do it again. Personally to avoid hurt feelings I would keep asking them along and just do something different with just your immediate family another time.

Well, there's all sorts of things that can change the vibe.

Person A wants to all eat together, Person B won't eat spicy food, Person C wants everyone to be at the Penguin feeding in 30m etc.

My ILs do a big family holiday with their best friends and children etc, and honestly the faffing involved in all of them trying to get an option that suits everyone every single day is maddening.

Since it's been four years, I think OP does need to face facts that she's let them become part of this tradition, but I can absolutely see how extra people spoils the vibe (especially since it was OP's family tradition in the first place).

I'm keen to have traditions on both sides but also stuff that's just us.

It sounds as though your children enjoy their grandad and auntie being included and perhaps they see them being included as part of the tradition. How would they feel if you excluded them now?
I think perhaps you should continue with the tradition of going with grandad and auntie and then find another tradition just for your immediate family.

Why is it letting her down? They are still going the children enjoy having their extended family there.
Families change, they grow and evolve.
Eg I used to love Christmas with just my children , but I welcomed their partners when they had them and also their partners parents . Now we have different Christmases nothing stays the same for ever.

I’m totally on board with that everyone’s opinion to be honest. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yes it’s not ‘hurting’ that they come along but equally I feel like I’ve lost something that I used to really enjoy just being us as a family. It’s never quite the same day out as DFIL is elderly, can’t walk much so there’s lots of just sitting around, having a coffee ect I just feel like the day has been a bit wasted compared to when we used to go just us as we were constantly doing something, looking at something, kids were involved in activities ect.

they’re also extremely awkward to make conversation with; they’re lovely, not bad people or negative ect.. but they just have completely and utterly different lives to us and even DH mentioned how difficult it can be to talk to them, so the day just isn’t as comfortable for me.

I agree after 4 years running it’s not really like I can spring it on them that we don’t want them to come. I’m just a bit gutted

Given that FIL is elderly and doesn’t walk much potentially you could reframe it and say - we are worried all the walking is a bit much for FIL, would he prefer to do a family theatre trip/some other less mobile trip instead?

Or whilst FIL has a rest break, you take the kids to an activity and meet back with them. Oh FIL/SIL while you enjoy a coffee we are just going to the craft station, meet you back here in 30mins/an hour.

Well you don't have to stick together the whole time. I'd find a nice place for him to be and then come and go - meet up for coffee / lunch / check in to tell him about the stuff you're doing. Definitely no reason to just sit around for the day if there's loads to do. Or... rent a wheelchair?

Family traditions evolve & change the bigger the family becomes. I find it's those who have a desire to keep everything the same are the people who can't accept nothing ever stays the same. They become intolerant of new circumstances which can have a knock on effect on everyone.

have two days at the zoo. One with just you, DH and kids, and the other for wider family.

They’re trying to control the situation by making you feel guilty - if you don’t go, neither will they. You need to push back and explain that this has been a long standing family tradition - just you, DH and the kids - and you’d like to keep it that way. There’s nothing wrong with that, and if they don’t understand or get the hump, that’s on them not you.