To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Get a grip. Life is for making new memories, not desperately holding on to old ones. One day your children will be in your shoes and you will love to be invited to their ‘traditions’. Before you know it, you’ll be the one being told not to come, so treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself.

Has she lost her day though? Is it really so terrible if two loved additional family members are there for it and the kids are having fun? Does it ruin it somehow? Realistically the kids probably prefer it with the additional family whereas for OP it’s the opposite. But it’s ridiculous for the OP to make out that the day is now ruined.

Can’t you just say “oh sorry but we’re just going to go on our own this year but do you fancy doing (whatever) on this day with us?”. And then arrange another day out.

Mix it up each year so that nothing becomes a “tradition”.

It’s a shame (if you get on with them) that you so badly don’t want to include them. If it really is the be all and end all then you need to be the one to tell them. I think you’re reluctant to do this because you know deep down that it is rather mean spirited.

But if this really is make or break then you need to man up and tell them.

Go twice.
Once with them, once without.
This is a non issue.

It’s four years in so I think they are part of the new tradition.

Maybe pick something else for your family.

@sulkingone day you may be the grandparent in this situation. Would you be hurt to not be included in your grandchildren’s day out as you’re not the right family.

I don’t get, it’s still a family day just with more family. You are still doing it every year, it’s still a tradition except new people have joined it.

if you didn’t want to go down this route you needed to say something 3 years ago, not now.

It must be awful having relatives who want to join in with your family time.

Agreed! But if the OP is determined that having two additional family members present at an annual event at the zoo is wrecking her nuclear family tradition, and she's the only one who doesn't want them there, it's on her to speak, if she wants to prevent a recurrence.

But I agree with you. If everyone else going actually prefers it when the extra two people are present, then I'd go with that, and enjoy the fact that they're enjoying it.

I think this too. We used to go to Blackpool every year to watch the lights switch on (I know, cheesy!) and some of the best memories I have are when my grandparents, aunties and uncles and cousins came along!

It was lovely with my mum and dad too but we spent pretty much all our time together anyway so when others came along it just made it more fun. Plus I absolutely adored my aunty and she would take me on all the big rides and buy me as many sweets as I wanted 😊

He is choosing to let you down though.

I would send the a text or email if you cant do in person.

Hi Emily, sorry I havent explained this earlier but this zoo trip is a special one as its a tradition of my family, my parents and my siblings and we like to do that on our own. We dont mind you coming along once in a while not want to do it on our own most years. I am sure you understand. Thanks.

But he is quite happy to let you down

Why can’t she, an adult, and the only one with a problem with the dad and sister coming, deal with it herself? How on earth has he let her down?

I like the zoo but twice in a year is too much. Most of the kids in our wider family get bored at the soo after while. I can see why OP doesn’t want to do two days.

I’m all for traditions - they can be a really nice way of bonding as a family. But they’re not sent down as divine edicts - and so things will naturally change over time. I really think you’re overthinking this one - and are risking really good family relationships for the sake of a rigid “tradition” that you’re imposing. It sounds like the kids like their GF and aunt to go too - in which case, your tradition has evolved over time to be something bigger and better for your kids. I’d try to see it like that and look for something else as a “just us” thing. It also strikes me that having grandparents involved makes it more likely that you’ll be included in the future should your kids decide to continue it with their own kids! Embrace the change…..

Because they’re his dad and sister. It’s fairly common for spouses to deal with these issues when it’s originating from their family, otherwise it makes the other spouse look bad.

Too late OP.
Eta: four years in, the tradition your DC will remember is with extra family members present. If you now insist they stay away, you are spoiling the tradition that your children know and will treasure.

Um yeah with good reason. He wants them to come. She doesn’t. If my DP wanted to exclude my sister and wanted me to do his dirty work I’d tell him where to go.

It’s not dirty work.

OP sees her fil and sil every week and they come out on plenty of days out.

OP is one of the two parents rearing these kids and is allowed to want to have a special family day out once a year.

If it's really important to you, just take them on a different day, and go just the four of you on the special event day. If they can't even be bothered to look at the website to work out when the special event is, they don't really care if it's on or not and just want to go to the zoo with you all.

But really, you're being a bit rigid about this. You don't have to impose your version of "how things should be" onto everyone else. You can enjoy your childhood memories, and enjoy the family you have now, with everyone that includes. It doesn't have to be exactly the same to be good. Maybe little you would have loved to have a nice auntie and grandpa along too, and you didn't have that option. That doesn't make it wrong.

I was going to say just tell them its your tradition, you can do something else with them - but given your update that they've come the last four years I've changed my mind, its too late now, its morphed into a "whole extended family" tradition. They probably will be upset if you effectively uninvite them from something that in their mind you've done happily for the last half decade!

Your kids probably don't even remember the original trip was just your immediate family - to them the whole family outing is the tradition!* *

Tbh given you've been doing it for multiple years i imagine you haven't got long until your dc get too old to want to go on the special family day, at least if their cousins are there and they've got someone to hang out with they might be more willing to come.

Well she can tell them herself then can’t she. Rather than her DH having to pretend he doesn’t want them there either when he does. I’d be very angry if my DP expected me to do this because he had some non-reason for not wanting my family around. Or if I did then I’d say he was the one with an issue not me.

You made a rod for your own back by inviting them the first time. Would be mean and odd to exclude them when you are fully aware they enjoyed it. I think you need to get over your self a bit.

Try to embrace the fact that they loved it too and loved being with your family. Maybe your kids even loved it a bit more with them there.

Life is too short for being mean

How anyone could get upset that Grandad and Aunty want to come along on a family day out, is beyond me.

It’s not “your special day” it’s a Zoo, a public space, surrounded by hundreds of other people. You want to enforce your family traditions, as the exclusion of DHs family.

This is about you reliving your childhood, not about what your children or other people might want.

Bizzare

Stand up for yourself! 'We're doing the event weekend with just the four of us this year, but do you fancy going to the zoo again later this year?'

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, don't be a doormat!