To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Can you come up with a day out that suits DFIL better and change it in the guise of helping him. There must be something fun.

Then without telling them just do a day at zoo. For your family.

Maybe think about it this way - for your kids, the tradition has become that you go to this event with grandad and aunty.

Your inlaws are being thoughtless. You were kind enough to include them on a special family tradition one time and now they think they can be included every time. The very next time they ask about the zoo, you need to set a firm boundary. It will only get more awkward the longer this drags on.

I also struggle with conflict, but you must ask yourself this: Will you be more upset by kindly explaining this is a family tradition that you'd like to keep or letting them come along and change the dynamic?

As you've said, your children end up going off with your SIL, and it changes the entire tone of the day. As the mother of a teen, I look back and wish I had protected some of those special moments more because your children are only little for a small period of time and you should not feel guilty about wanting some things to be just for your immediate family.

I don't agree that you would be mean to tell your FIL and SIL that they can't come. They are being rude by assuming they will get to tag along. I also think that if you go twice just to accomodate them, going to the zoo will no longer be such an exciting tradition for your children, and will take away from that tradition you cherish.

Can I just check something? Do your parents go to this day at the zoo as well because it was their tradition that you carried on? I think that if your parents do go, it will be more difficult to say no to DH's dad and sister but if they don't go, you are not being unreasonable if you want to go just with your DH and your children, particularly if FIL's poor mobility slows things down and stops you doing things that you would normally have done.

"Actually we were going to do a beach day this year instead, are you free on x date?"

Then do the zoo trip by yourselves anyway.

just say literally that its just going to be you going and maybe they'd like to all going and do something in July - can you all think of something that would be good to do all together as a family outing - water park or adventure stuff?

They are your family too though. I could understand it if you didn’t get on, but as you do, more people to make it fun for your ds sounds great. So maybe just enjoy being part of a bigger family ? Are your parents close by ? If so ask them too maybe ?

So he'd rather let you down?!

"We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them ..." (OP)

@purpleme12

yeah but they’re family too aren’t they?

Just let them come OP! The more the merrier 😊

plus you don’t want to piss off people who (presumably) babysit for you sometimes 😜

Your SIL took your kids off somewhere without you when this is meant to be YOUR day with your children. Your FIL's presence means you sit and have coffee (doing what HE wants) instead of doing the walking around that you and the kids want to do. Their presence is totally changing the event for you and you are being sidelined at your own family event. This is not ok. It's ok for you to say, this event is meant to be a tradition for me, dh, and our kids because it's something I did with my parents as a child. I agreed to include you one year and unfortunately now I feel a bit sidelined from my own tradition. I include you in lots of our other family activities but I would like to keep this one for me.

I think it's a shame that you feel the way you do, sometimes these things happen without even realising and you find yourself saying yes to keep people happy only to reflect later and it's difficult to back track. I'd be disappointed too as I do love a family tradition. For what it's worth, I don't imagine FIL or auntie are particularly attached to the zoo event. I suspect they just love spending time with the family and seeing the kids enjoy the day out so it's something to look forward to for them. I don't think it would be a problem to perhaps start something new with them and have that be their thing. I can't imagine my mum or sister being upset if I went to them and said something like, this is going to sound a bit silly/completely ridiculous but the zoo event was a family tradition that we've followed since I was a child, it's always been really special to me and it's something I'd love to continue doing with just the kids but I just didn't know how to say before now because I know you had a great time before. We're going to go alone this year but I think it's great spending a special day together, the kids love a day trip out with you both so let's do [special summer event] instead. It's clear from the posts on this thread that everyone would look at this differently but I think my family would be fine with a change of plan and would completely understand if you explained it the way you have here. I know I'd never want to intrude on someone else's tradition.

@aloris

sounds very petulant

Just tell them kindly that it you will bring they kids to the zoo just yourselves this year. As It was really nice that they liked going the last few year but that you didn't spend that much time with the children on the last few trips. You now want to go just by yourselves so you can concentrate on doing activities throughout the day with the children, while they are still young.
Maybe you could all on another day out somewhere else.

Can't see anything wrong with just telling them that, by tradition, this was a family day and you'd like to keep it that way but happy to meet up at other times and do something else.

As you say, it's not like you don't see them much.

@sunnywithtsunamis

but they are family too though aren’t they

Yes they are - but you don't have to live in each other's pockets. OP says she sees them quite a lot as it is. Seems like DH should have consulted OP first before launching in with the invite.... Ah, communication...

No, my parents took me and my siblings; then as we started having our own children we split off and now me, DH and our children go, and occasionally my BD will take his children but they don’t tend to go every year like we do

Yes they are. I think it's obvious what I meant but if you want to be pedantic you could add immediate family!

“We’re just going as a family of 4 this year; we really need it and since FiL struggled with the walking, we think we’ll do this and then left arrange a lovely day at insert another lovely place in a couple of week for all of us as that’s easier for him to walk around.”

It’s really not hard. Just send them a message. If they get shitty then just say, “I’m sorry but we want a family day just us 4 this time. We can all do another activity together so you’re not losing out. No one is; it’s just this activity is special for us and we want to go us 4 this year.”

But you absolutely can ?? And it’s fine? A few of us have said so. Just say actually, this year you really want a day just as a family because you really need it and you’ll arrange something fun they will enjoy with them for another weekend. You just have to say it. It’s your bloody life, you don’t need to constantly accommodate other people because that’s just “the way it is” - do what you want. It’s not that hard. You see his dad and sister all the time and this is a day that should be about the kids where they aren’t forced to sit around while the adults have coffee and talk adult things. It’s the fucking zoo !

Maybe the kids would prefer their grandad and aunt to be there. I wonder what they’d say if they were asked.

The kids want to run around at the zoo, OP already said that. But they have to spend a lot of it sitting down having coffees and drinks because grandad can’t manage the walking.

I’m sure the kids would rather do the zoo they way they want to do it, and then see grandad for an activity which actually involves a lot of sitting down.

You can’t be sure. Nor can OP unless she actually asks them. The most sensible way of settling this would be to ask which option they prefer.