To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Do your kids mind if they are there? If not I’d just let them come, as the kids will have nice memories of them.
I do get it, and it’s nice to want family traditions. Ones of ours is a food festival, and that has turned into a whole family thing and I kind of love it.
Do his dad and sister come with you or drive separately, as you could say kids are bringing friends so no room in the car?

I think you should think about this from your children’s point of view. They will treasure this tradition with all of THEIR family. They might be your in-laws but they are your children’s family.

Think what a lovely tradition you are creating for them. In fact I would go one further and invite your dad and sister if they are still around too.

I understand your dilemma. Personally I’m too much of a people pleaser and I don’t think I’d say anything. I don’t think I’d be able to fully enjoy the family day if I knew I’d upset people. Is it worth it?

I think I’d probably just accept it and try to start a new tradition of something you do with just your family (and not tell them about it!)

They have plenty of other times to treasure with the FIL and SIL.

What’s the point of motherhood if you can’t even have a day on your own with the kids?

Tell them it's not on so you're not going.

It really is.

As a child I would have loved to have spent time with my own family but after my mother invited all and sundry to anything we were meant to go on our own I got used to the fact that it was never going to happen. Eventually rest of the family took over and anything that I wanted to do was out voted

One of the myriad of reasons I haven’t spoken to any of them for 40 years

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. My in-laws are perfectly nice people, but having them come along on a day out completely changes the dynamic of the trip, and turns it from a fun, relaxed time into a chore. Not because of anything specific they do, but just because I don’t enjoy their company. So I get why this is a problem for you. I’m not sure what the answer is, though.

Um, have you ever heard of a thing called the internet and / or google?

What a ridiculous - and cruel - suggestion.

I’m pretty sure they have plenty of days on their own with their kids…..

What, so this is the only day out of 365 days that the OP gets to spend time with her kids?!

Come on 😂

There are another 364 - and that’s just this year.

You’ve let it go on too long to now say it’s a problem! I’d suck it up and find a different outing/event that’s just for your family. Just don’t make the mistake of inviting anybody else, even for a one off!

I hear you, I mean OP lost what she thought she had to something new. Totally agree it can be embraced, made as special for everyone and become something wonderful.

But it isn’t what she had and as what OP had changed, it feels like something’s lost. That’s why I think a second event would be good, then it’s a gain!

If children and dh wanted to go with fil and his sister then I would wave them good bye and tell dh that you will come with family when it is just him and dc

You have actually created a new tradition and it's one that your kids love. If you want to go around with your child rather than them going off with your SIL, that's fine, just say, "Wait for me!" and join in.

Five minutes on MN will show you that a lot of women don't have such nice in laws - make the most of it.

Why?! Why would you deliberately sit at home on your own when the rest of a family is having a day out?! How petty!

The OP says they all get on well and the kids clearly adore their grandad and aunty?!

Your suggestion is awful and petty and will create such a bad atmosphere in the family and for what reason?

I agree - 4 years means it's the new tradition. I think you're not going to be able to do this without offending them.

It’s the only day out of the 365 days of the year that is the day she spent at the zoo with a particular event going on with her own parents

It’s like saying Christmas Day can be celebrated on 3rd October.
Its not the same

Well it sounds like OP does get on with them and tbh it’s going to cause big issues if they are told they are not welcome. I’d be upset if I was the dad or sister. Either I’d be mortified if it turned out I had been tolerated for the past four years but actually not wanted. Or I’d be concerned that something had changed to not make me welcome anymore. It’s one day and they sound nice, the kids love them so OP needs to suck it up.

The fact its going on for four years wont make it easy. Going by what you had written, they kind of keep inviting themselves rather than ask if they can come? If so, its obviously harder for you to tell them you dont want them to come.

Nothing will change unless you or DH say something. It sounds like he is going to cave so tell them together next time they visit.

"We loved the times with you at the zoo but we'd like to do that just the four of us and find a new tradition for all of us as a family. We thought about X or Y but would love to hear your ideas.."

And if they ask why just explain that it's a nostalgic thing from your own childhood and it's something you're trying to recreate with your children.

OP I’d either a) tell them you’re going this year by yourselves or b) just go without telling them

We do the same each year with our kids - this year DP wants to bring his grandma with us which I’ve said ok to as I am aware it might be a last trip for her 😬 I know this sounds awful, she’s a lovely lady but hard work for longer than a short visit. So slightly begrudgingly because I know the day will not be the easy fun day we usually have plus it’s possibly our last full family zoo trip too - our oldest turns 18 this year.

And the zoo has always been our special place - DP and I split a long time ago and it’s where we essentially reconciled our family (we are blended) so we have a family photo in the same place every year, and it’s just one of those lovely days we always have planned

We will have to go in 2 cars for a start so double the travel and parking plus travel collecting her and taking her home again, and she’s very elderly and infirm so we will likely have to stop for a rest often, which in a busy zoo on summer holidays isn’t always easy to find a spot for 7 people to frequently stop plus the kids will be way harder work - older kids don’t just have a rest and I’ll get a lot of ‘I’m bored!!’

After 4 years I'd think of this as the new family tradition. Few traditions survive an expanding family unchanged. At some point your children are going to ask to bring friends and then partners.

I would make it clearer to my children that you want to spend time with them and not have the disappearing with SIL too soon.

How old are the Dc op and how long have you been doing this?

Just say “We aren’t sure if we can do the zoo weekend this year yet so how about you come round on the 10th for a bbq/how about we do the [insert alternative day out here] on the 15th”

Then sort out your “diary conflict” last minute and decide to just hop in the car and go to the zoo thing on a whim.