To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

[Sulking]

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

Who knows. Maybe it will break the cycle. Or DH can then say it was great for quality time that he struggles to maintain so they can start some other yearly tradition with FIL and sister.

Not after four years it isn’t.

She should have spoken up four years ago if it's that important.

It sounds like everyone wants them to go along except you. It’s still a family day out!

This is exactly what I was going to say. Everyone else seems to enjoy spending this day together apart from you?!

Reply to their queries with "we're not sure. We might go on either 23rd or 30th August or we might not go at all this year. There's a complicated work situation which makes it tricky to plan" -

(then actually go on 16th)

I think it's a bit difficult to explain it's a special family day if they've come with you for the last 4 years! Also if your DH and children enjoy having them there, it's really just you who doesn't want them along?

Well I mean saying “we don’t want you to come and we haven’t for the past three years” isn’t likely to go down well.

Do you not consider them part of your family?
Would your feelings be different if it was your dad and sister?
Unless they are absolutely horrible people then I don't see the issue.
It's a family day. They are family.

Stay home -who wants to walk round the zoo without kids. Let them do it.

I think this is so sad for your kids. Your #makingmemories hashtag more important than spending time with their extended family. Just find another event to do as a foursome if it’s that important to you but honestly. It’s petty AF.

I understand how you feel but sounds like fil and sil now also treasure this day out. I would continue and start a new family tradition as a 4.

Well how old is she? Nine? Because if your biggest problem is not getting the exact family day you wanted then you’re lucky.

By the way I grew up with a mum like this and who is still like this. She likes to get the balance right by excluding some members of the family for things because she’d just prefer it if it was just x, x and x or whatever to make it more special. She’s not good at welcoming in-laws to the family at all. It’s really hurtful and stupid and the only one who it benefits is her.

Do you really need to say it op?

Surely the point is your Dc have the fun of the day.

Lots of children grow up without extended family or with conflict in the family. Would it not be better to just embrace them coming and not make it a negative situation? You can start another tradition and this time not tell them. There are lots of fun things you can make annual events; I don’t really understand the need to feel so territorial about this particular outing.

I’d just be glad your Dc have interested family.

That's really mean. Why would you lie to family who you love and (apparently) have a good relationship with? If they found out (which in today's world is pretty likely!) then they would be so upset and wonder why they've been excluded.

I don't understand this at all tbh. As I said in another post, if your kids love spending the day with their Grandad and Aunty and your husband enjoys it, you seem a bit miserable to be the one putting a stop to it.

Just start a new tradition.

Which is why she should have dealt with it and spoken up four years ago. She's allowed it to drift along and now probably has to accept that things have changed. Any attempt to fudge it or not being transparent just kicks the problem down the road.

What if you sent them without you and picked something else for an immediate family only day? Appreciate they’ve changed the vibe from what you pictured but after 4 years of this your kids won’t even remember it being any other way. If it’s not important enough for either you or your husband to bring up then just make your peace with it.

I don’t get it - what’s so special about the day at the zoo that you need to exclude them ? As a family day I would have thought the tradition of them coming made it more special rather than less especially as you say you like them . But then I don’t understand this thing about “special “ time - you are likely with your children 365 days of the year .. why is time at the zoo more “special “ .

What do your children want? Do they want to be just you four, or do they want grandad and auntie to be there too?

If the zoo has a special event, is it just one day or several days? If it’s only one day then the in-laws will be able to find out the date anyway!

If this tradition is so important to you, it should have been shut down the first year and at worst, the second year.

Don't mention the Zoo, look for something else you all would enjoy, "oh look what I saw, how do you fancy a day out here?"
If the Zoo then gets mentioned again I'd say i thought since we're all going to x day out we'd just have a day at the zoo ourselves.

Wrong way round. Start a new tradition without them.

You're the only one who doesn't want them there, OP, therefore you are the one who needs to speak up. You decide whether it's worth the discomfort of addressing it or whether you'll find it less distressing to accept that this trip has become a wider family 'tradition'. And, either way, see it as a lesson in not weakly letting things go for several years and resenting people for not being psychic about things you haven't told them.

…or alternatively don’t speak up.

Families grow and evolve. As long as they are having fun why does it honestly matter?

I feel a bit sorry for all of you how this has developed.

You’ve lost your day, I can relate, it sucks.

But…you said yes four years ago, it’s gone on for four years. It’s now THEIR family day too, they look forward to special time with you and your kids, even if they need to check the date, it clearly matters to them, and like it or not, you and your DH allowed this to develop.

I think your stuck with it at this point it would take a very awkward conversation tiptoeing around directly saying “we don’t want you on a family day” which is hard to say and hear at any time.

Find another event for you and yours, a new annual tradition that’s just for your little family, any beaches, fireworks displays, festivals at all that you loved with your parents as a kid? I’m sure there’s something, and you’ll end up with Two special days!

It sounds like you're the only person that would have a better experience with them not there. And after 4 years it's now an established extended family day out. I think you'll cause a lot of upset for very little benefit if you now exclude them. It's frustrating OP but it's the price you pay for good relationships with inlaws. You can't just pick them up and drop them as it suits you.