I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Can you look into supported independent living for him? Doesn’t sound like he can cope on his own and not feasible to be home with siblings

What do your daughters think about it?

He’s managed to live independently. He might not like it but going back to his comfort zone isn’t going to do him any good.

if I were you I’d offer emotional support and help to get another tenancy but not have him back unless you have to.

my DD’s living arrangements collapsed (house share partner got a brain tumor and had to move back to her parents) so I have her back with me but it’s not good for me or her and I’m looking to get her as independent as possible soon.

Unfortunately not, he struggles but does live independently and drives and holds down a job so he won’t get supported housing. He also doesn’t accept that his autism causes his struggles, he just thinks life is all going wrong for him and it’s all bad luck.

You can’t have him back to the detriment of 4 other people. If he moves back in, I imagine it’ll be years before he moves out again.

If he moves back it'll be so much harder to move out for a second time, as he'll know how hard it has been this time.
Support him as much as possible emotionally, practically with finding a new place and even financially if you are able and wish to do so. But draw the line at him moving back.

Can you build a garden annex or put a caravan on your land, so he has his own living space but is still at home?

This is what I’ve said but then he says he’s going to end up homeless and on the streets so I have to think no I won’t let that happen when he has a family who love him.
I have tried to help him find a new room but he’s adamant he’ll just live in his car because he can’t deal with it all. I feel sorry for him but then he’s not trying and doesn’t want us to interfere by looking so I don’t know what he wants from us.

Only you know your son well enough, but if it’s a toss up between “can’t find a room that he likes” and “homeless”, I doubt he’s plumping for the latter. Is he laying it on thick?

Well the youngest one is settling into his old room and won’t see much past that and the older one is the sensitive one who feels intimidated by his jokes and temperament.

Does he get any PIP /DLA for his autism? If he doesn't can it be applied for? Maybe if he had a bit more money he could afford his own place? Or would getting it help him get a council flat?

Alternatively, could you spare some money each month to help him rent a 1 bed /studio flat?

Maybe living in his car would help him move up the council list for housing? I think this should be the end goal rather than returning home.

I would make up a shortlist on spareroom.com and start making appointments to look at them. Make it clear there's not enough space at home but you're happy to help him find somewhere to live.

He wants his old room back and is emotionally blackmailing you to let him back in. If he comes back he may never leave! What are his sisters thoughts?

It isn't 'sensitive' to be upset by hurtful comments or an aggressive manner, @nomorecheesyjokes. Your older dd needs you to protect her from someone who, it sounds like, was bullying her and her sister. And your younger dd deserves her own room.

Your son is an adult, and he does have options. You have offered to help him find a room, and he has turned you down. If I were you, I'd tell him again that you are more than willing to help him find a room, but that, if he refuses, he needs to accept the consequences of his choices.

Help him find a room elsewhere, then help him find an apprenticeship level 2 in something he will enjoy and build confidence and confidence. Chat to a careers adviser who can work out strengths and opportunities. As a parent it would be better helping him rise to changes and role modelling how to advocate.

When he first moved out he did seem happy but then he started to have money problems, his rent is about half of his wage and his car has cost him a fair amount because it’s past its best and things keep going wrong, I think he's realised the cost of living, especially on minimum wage and now he’s also unlikely to get a reference or deposit back as even though he only rents a room the rest of the shared house is a tip and for the last few months he’s been the only tenant left and doesn’t do any housework and has burned the carpet with the iron, all typical things he’d do at our house.
I’m also not earning enough to qualify for a guarantor so it’s not easy to find somewhere but not impossible as he did find this room.

What does your DH think, OP? Is he his biological father?

Your son must feel very rejected.

What about social housing. He’d have medical points and probably pot to for being a vulnerable adult. No need for him to share.

Having a family who loves him does not mean that their lives should be turned upside down to accommodate him, as an adult. You have to prioritise your DDs' safety and wellbeing.

What help has been sought for him? I know there's never enough, but what has he been refused/is on a waiting list for?

Play hardball, do not fall for the blackmail. Give him a choice, he allows you to help him find a room elsewhere or you help him present himself as homeless to the council. You can provide a letter stating you do not have space at home and you need to safeguard your younger children due to his historic behaviour. You have a choice, you are not cornered into letting him return.

You have him back and he will never be independent again and all of your lives will be a misery . So sorry OP .

Unfortunately you might have to let him learn the hard way. If he refuses help, he will eventually get the attention of social se4vuces and get referred for social housing. It will take time but for your dds, you really can't have him back with you.

You should support him but not enable him. Basically as everyone else has said - don't give him the option of moving back in, support him to get a new place / get support from.social services / allow him to become homeless as then he'll be better placed to get the support he needs. Not getting the deposit back is a consequence of his own actions not bad luck, when you talk to him you need to be spelling out consequences - how he deals with his problems are his responsibility, not yours.

Loving him does not mean you have to let him walk over everyone. Tough love means helping him navigate changes for his own good long term, rather then letting him run home and hide from life.

Do you have a garden? Room for an ‘outhouse’ or garden room that he could live in but be nearby?