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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

383 replies

nomorecheesyjokes · 10/06/2025 11:49

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 14/06/2025 09:10

Maybe if he won’t accept that he has ADHD/Autism, could you point out to him that if he thinks he is NT then maybe he should start acting like someone who is NT and not reinforcing the fact he has ADHD and is unmedicated

llizzie · 15/06/2025 01:38

CrazyGoatLady · 14/06/2025 07:33

Lots of us who have autism and ADHD do not meet the criteria for bipolar. This is nonsense. And people do not always consider themselves to "suffer from" ADHD and/or autism.

Show quote history

I saw it online. Thought it might be useful to some.

llizzie · 15/06/2025 01:45

AllTheChaos · 14/06/2025 04:10

It’s not happened ever in my house or the houses of anyone I know, so actually I would classify it as highly unusual! I’m not sure how one would even go about making holes in the walls or doors - maybe by hitting them with hammers? Or if strong enough, by punching or kicking them? None of which is acceptable or usual behaviour!

Show quote history

Imagine when you see a hole punched in a wall what would have happened if the person didn't duck.

That is what people should think of when they see holes punched in walls, and never, ever, let whoever did it anywhere near them.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 16/06/2025 06:51

Can you not get support from your local council or Social Srvices in housing Vulnerable Adults.

There are charities and housing associations who do support such leople as your son with assisted living.and specialised hoysing

Hope this helps

X

llizzie · 17/06/2025 14:15

nomorecheesyjokes · 10/06/2025 11:49

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

What you should now be asking yourself is not 'can I' but ''should I.''

ClosetBasketCase · 17/06/2025 16:30

Do not allow him back. From experiance you will never get rid of him again!!!

Your girls will suffer, and so will you if he moves back in. It will be a life lesson for him to have to deal with this himself. and if he does end up in the car for a few weeks, he will soon realise that any room is a beter option (also have lived in my car in the past due to being in one of the most expensive areas of the country while on entry level wadges!!) trust me its often the kick up the arse needed to sort ones shit out!!

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 04/12/2025 08:05

Is he on the council waiting list for a flat? he should get more points if going to be homeless. Also get him on any local housing associations, he may be able to get a 1 bed flat which would suit him better than a HMO.

It's a hard one, on one hand i've always said to mine that they will always have a bed here if things go wrong, on the other, the reasons you have mentioned in PP, I would be reluctant to have him back, but tread carefully here because if he feels rejected it could make him worse.

Living and navigating life with ADHD is tough, I would encourage him to try the meds.

PinkSkies2026 · 04/12/2025 08:37

I wouldn't have him back but I'd accept he needs more floating support in his own place. Weekly drop in visits and more support with finding his way - this will pay dividends in future.

I have a DB with a disability and he benefitted more from independent living with support in his 20s than if he was at home.

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