I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

I have a similar situation except that it is a daughter and for now she is in supported accommodation. I couldn't have her home though I love her dearly. She and her brother (also autistic) cannot live under the same roof.

Have you got a housing officer you can ask for advice? I think your son needs to be on the housing list for a council flat. I would do what PP have suggested and contact all the local charities that you can think of and support him to go to the housing office

He needs to stay put until evicted and made homeless.

I was the daughter in this situation and I’ve gone on to have a string of abusive relationships because of it. Due to my brother; I am desensitised to violence, aggression, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour because to me it was “normal” so I don’t spot the red flags until it’s too late. I learnt as a child to walk on eggshells, be a people pleaser so as to not “set him off” and that my wants and needs don’t matter. I learned to keep myself “small” as going unnoticed was the safest option and I learned to live with the feeling of being constantly unsafe.

I’m 39 now and I’m still learning what a healthy relationship and home environment should be so don’t underestimate the damage done in childhood to glass children.

He needs to learn to live independently. You won’t be around forever & it isn’t fair on your poor daughters.

OP I understand your dilemma but personally I couldn't wash my hands of a DC .
My younger DD (late 20s) is also ASD and living on her own for the past year with a bit of parental support but if she was struggling I'd have her back home. She wasn't ever aggressive, destructive or violent though, so I suppose I'm making a bit of an unfair comparison.
However I totally understand that you also have younger kids who deserve a reasonable quality of home life. This must be so difficult for you.
I think you need to act however your conscience dictates as there will be a victim whatever you decide to do here.
On a practical note try again to get your DS PIP as that could really help with his money worries. I got an info pack from an online charity about how to maximise your chances of getting awarded PIP. Unfortunately this was over 10 years ago and I can't remember the name of the charity. I found them by googling help with claiming PIP if you have autism.
The information was so helpful and explained where people were going wrong in the claims process . While still being completely truthful my daughter was awarded a much higher rate than I expected (over £700 a month) and this has helped her so much as she too has a minimum wage job.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

His being Autistic and how that presents is the huge factor here. OP wouldn't be on here even asking this if he wasn't.

This isn't a helicopter parent situ, it's weighing up what the right thing is with the conditions being the huge factor. It's weighing up risks and detriment to other people whilst considering the vulnerability and disability he actually has.

It's really nothing at all about helicopter parents. OP is like this because he's Autistic. He's vulnerable and will have struggled all his life, so she'll naturally over compensate for that reason.

Parents in another situation without ND kids would never fully understand..

I don't think you can have him back home, because of your two under-18 daughters but also because long term I don't think it'll help your son. What I do think you can maybe do is to help him blitz his current place so he gets as much of his damage deposit back as possible - so he can then use this for his next place. I'd also help him re making sure that he's definitely not entitled to any benefits, either to help with rent costs or related to the struggles it sounds like he has looking after himself day to day. Or direct him to any organisation that could help him with that if he'd rather. I'd also help him look for accomodation if he'd like help with that. I think you need to tell him that he isn't able to come back home so he knows that is definitely off the table and starts accepting that and exploring his options. I'd also make sure he has really thought through living in his car eg the heat/cold, uncomfortableness, where he'll park, cooking, washing, being presentable for work etc.

You don't get all of this stuff just for being autistic though.

The criteria are strict and the waiting lists endless.

This is a totally vile thing to say. The OP is torn here but stating that her disabled son is some sort of animal is just not acceptable.

This ^

It isn't unreasonable to anticipate that a young adult child may need to come home for a while when between jobs, uni, travelling, work, to save for a deposit for a house. It's common sense and nothing to do with being a 'helicopter parent.' With an autistic young adult child, I would think it even more obvious that they may need to come home for a while.

Just pop over to the Elderly Parents board to see how many sons (without any of the OP's son's problems) are the ones caring for their elderly parents. Women with full time jobs and small children are expected to provide all the care while their brothers, even the ones that aren't working and the ones that actually live with their elderly parents, aren't expected to provide any care or support.

Of course OP won't expect her son to provide elderly care when she and her DH grow old. Do you really think that, despite his tactless and insensitive behaviour towards his younger siblings and his tendency to destroy OP's home, OP thinks that he will be a suitable carer?

I think this is a "mile in my shoes" thing....First is that the OP is not washing her hands of her son. She would be willing to help him in other ways, which he has refused. ....but yes if you haven't been there, you can't really comment.....all of us who have not been there can only really offer support to the OP to do what she feels she must do.

OP did not say he 'smashes things up' and she did not say he was physically violent, either. He is autistic.

Calm yourself down.

He sounds so like my brother. Don’t have him back. It won’t make him happy. You can either have him live with you and all five people be unhappy, or he can live elsewhere and the four of you have a chance at happiness.

Maybe the sister is "sensitive" due to an undiagnosed condition, such as autism, or anxiety due to years of being intimidated in her own home.

When these types of fraught family relationships come up, there are always MNers who post as if the population can be divided into two groups: 1) diagnosed people whose wishes should be accommodated no matter what, and 2) non-diagnosed people who can and should accommodate the wishes of people in group 1.

The world is a great deal more complicated than that. I say that because I am autistic, and it's clearly hereditary. When you have to negotiate issues within a family who all have their own issues, including quarrelling siblings who both have a diagnosis, you are forced to realise that prioritising the diagnosis can't work. You have to think about what is truly fair. Yeah, it sucks and it's more difficult. Still have to do it that way.

He had a diagnosis, yes. He is also an adult who is competent enough to drive, hold down a job and live independently. He may be struggling with the latter, which means he needs to work on those skills. We all have to.

His sisters are teenagers, and have as a minimum, the same psychological need for a safe living environment as all teenagers. I'd prioritise them over an aggressive male adult.

Can you contact Shelter or other charities and see if they have any ideas for accomodation that might be a good fit for him. He doesn't sound suited to a private let, how in demand is council property near you? Would he cope in a hostel?

He can't come home but you can help him by taking the overwhelm out of how he is feeling. Find him a place to stay and help him move.

What job does he do? Are there any similar jobs where accommodation is included, like groundkeeper or working in a hotel?

I feel quite sorry for your son.He has no life, how can he possibly on his wages?.At the end of the day how he has lasted so long living on his own on minimum wage is beyond my comprehension. He has not a penny left for anything enjoyable, make no wonder he so low. It is a wonder he is functioning at all given his finances.

He is diagnosed with ADHD and ASD but he is strongly against any kind of medication and doesn’t believe in his diagnosis saying everyone is different and he won’t have a label. I have pointed him in the direction of support but he says he’s fine.
He made an application for UC when he first moved out but was earning too much and not entitled to anything and when he put in for pip it was declined too.

He might feel any number of things, that doesn't mean they have any basis in reality.

From what OP has said, the family have put up with his behavior for years. He's now able to work and live independently, but doesn't want to because life is hard. Instead of finding ways to deal with that like everyone else who finds life hard, a grown man in his mid 20's wants mummy and daddy to look after him again.

And now he's emotionally blackmailing his mother to ensure he gets his own way.

"Rejected" 🙄

I don’t think you can ask your daughters to share again, for their adult brother to move back, no. I think he might be better with his own bedsit than a room in a shared house. Might you be able to help with a deposit/contribute to his bills to enable this?

Hopefully not me who needs to calm down?
I said the remarks made about the OP's DS were unacceptable and offensive and have reported them.

bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

Has he ever been inappropriate with them?

I know it's difficult, but you need to stand your groundop,because if he moves back in he will never leave. If he ends up not having anywhere to live he can apply for a council house and he will probably get it on the basis of his autism.

Helpful much??

You’ve offered help, but he’s rejecting it in favor of emotionally blackmailing into giving him exactly what he wants, which is an easier life. If you allow him to move back in you may find yourself struggling to get him to ever leave. Why would he? He would have housing, and more disposable income than he has now (does he expect to pay you rent?).

In ‘saving’ him you’d be sacrificing the wellbeing of not just yourself, but your husband and daughters too, the consequences of which can easily be long term. He’s a grown man that has demonstrated that while he may not like it, he can take responsibility for himself and live independently.