I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

He wants you to be his safe place. That's why he won't accept help in looking for a flat and why he tries to manipulate you by insisting he'll live in his car. My DP is autistic and gets overwhelmed when things don't go smoothly, so having a 'safe place' (me) is how he copes. That said, assisted living might be a way forward IF you can get your son to consider it. I don't think having him back at home is fair to anyone. Living with autistic people can be very demanding. Good luck..

Honestly... not unusual is it?!

Broken doors and holes in walls? Very unusual! never had either an I’m nearly 60

I totally get you, as we are in a similar position with our 18 year old AuDHD daughter and her 14 year old brother.
Whilst she is nit destructive, she is incredibly messy, she domineers the whole house and we walk on eggshells around her.
We are looking to move and we have told her she will have a purpose built, self contained shed/ caravan in the garden, if she wants to stay with us. Do you have the space/ funds to be able to do this as, I think from your post, you have actually answered your own question re. not allowing him to come back and upset the family dynamic or damage your home you have worked so hard on since he left.
I know it is difficult, as they are SEN and at the end of the day, they are still part of our family and our own flesh and blood, but we need to think about the greater good and not just accommodating one person.
Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.
Good luck making a decision x

Agree, this is what makes me think if anything the OP is understating how intimidating this young man's behaviour is.

Or he could be a mildly autistic person who also happens to be destructive, threatening and entitled. As you say, being autistic is not an excuse to do whatever he wants. Of course he wants to move back home, to free rent, cooked meals and washing done, but he is an adult.

Would you be able to give any more information on the tiktoker you've mentioned her please, would be very grateful.

Yes, it is very unusual, @PrettyPuss! I’m 60 and this has never happened in any house I have moved out of, from my student nurse digs to house shares as a Uni student, to any of the houses dh and I have lived in. We haven’t had to do that in any of the dses rooms in our house when they moved out, or in any of the houses/flats that they have lived in since leaving home.

Would you be happy to move out of a house leaving damage that cost ‘a fortune’ to repair? Don’t you take care of where you live?

Agree with @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius .

I wouldn’t even use blu tack on my childhood painted bedroom walls!

Hmm, really? I'm definitely not severely autistic but I haven't cracked driving yet due to issues directly related to autism/Aspergers. For example, driving requires spatial awareness, adequate reaction times, and the ability to identify and process relevant information in time to make appropriate decisions.

Maybe this break-down of levels of impairment will help. Severely autistic would equate to requiring level 3 support.

The DSM-5 identifies two main diagnostic criteria: social communication deficits and restricted and repetitive behaviours or interests. To be diagnosed with autism, a person must have persistent deficits in both areas that significantly interfere with their daily life.

The Levels of the Autism Spectrum Scale
To help differentiate between the varying severities of autism, the Autism Spectrum Scale is used. This diagnostic tool is used to assess and diagnose ASD in adults and children. There are three functional levels of autism based on the scale. These scores are based on the level of support a person needs to function in daily life and the level of impairment.

Level 1: Requiring Support Individuals
Individuals at Level 1 of the Autism Spectrum Scale require some support to function in their daily life. They may have difficulty initiating social interactions and maintaining them, and they may struggle with nonverbal communication. They may also engage in repetitive behaviours or have specific interests that are narrow in scope. However, they are able to function independently in many areas of their life, such as self-care, and they can generally adapt to new situations.

Level 2: Requiring Substantial Support Individuals
At Level 2, these people require substantial support to function in their daily life. They may have significant difficulty with social interactions, including initiating and maintaining them, and they may have a limited ability to communicate, both verbally and nonverbally. They may also engage in repetitive behaviours or have specific interests that interfere with their ability to function independently. They may require support in many areas of their life, including self-care and adapting to new situations.

Level 3: Requiring Very Substantial Support Individuals
Level 3 of the scale requires very substantial support to function in their daily life. They have severe deficits in social communication and interaction, including initiating and maintaining relationships, and they have limited or no ability to communicate, either verbally or nonverbally. They may also engage in intense repetitive behaviours or have specific interests that significantly interfere with their ability to function independently. They require support in all areas of their life, including self-care, and they may have difficulty adapting to new situations.
It is important to note that the autism spectrum scale is not a measure of intelligence or cognitive ability. Individuals with autism can have a wide range of cognitive abilities, from intellectual disability to exceptional intelligence. The scale is simply a way to categorise individuals based on their level of impairment and the level of support they require.

Midland Health

The young man is not severely autistic. If he were severely autistic, he would struggle to catch a bus independently, never mind drive a car.

However my dd is a level 1. But when she went onto burnout she descended to level 2/3.

So ASD is not a consistent disability.

Support him to live independently. Seems like everyone else will struggle if he returns.

Well that depends on context I suppose.

In a crackden? No. In your common or garden family home? Yes.

I cannot agree with what you say. There is one thing that stands out, and that is that you suggest the DDs would understand the autism, but how can they?

Even adults, even people working with autistic children and adults cannot clearly understand.

That inability to understand could give younger children the idea that if they played up they would 'get away with it', because until and unless they grow up knowledgeable about psychiatric illnesses, they will suffer with that idea of it.

I may not be explaining it very well, but if people knew more about psychiatric illnesses they would understand the need for this young man not to be living with the DDs right now.

There is another thread on Mumsnet with a similar problem that might be useful to you.

To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

I’m also wondering whether the OP is understating his aggression @WhatNoRaisins A man in his mid-20’s can be extremely intimidating -my DS (16) towers over me, for example, and he’s still growing. He’s also extremely strong compared with his sister and myself.

If the OP’s son is aggressive towards his sisters, whether verbally or physically, or punches holes in walls, as seems to be the case, they’re probably terrified. He could seriously hurt them and his parents tbh.

The worrying thing about autism and adhd is that there are currently debates as to whether bipolar disease is a separate disease or whether a patient suffering from one can also be said to suffer from the other.

Until someone makes up their mind, the parents are left trying to cope. I am very sorry for anyone in that position.

You have no idea why he's struggling. From the info provided in OP's post he is perfectly capable of living and working independently, just as many, many people with disabilities are. He just doesn't want to.

He also has the capacity for emotional blackmail.

I think it's quite ignorant to automatically assume that the reason a neurodiverse person is 'struggling' with something must be due to their condition.

Being autistic doesn’t mean you automatically get benefits! I’m autistic (diagnosed) and have ADHD and certainly don’t!

It’s not happened ever in my house or the houses of anyone I know, so actually I would classify it as highly unusual! I’m not sure how one would even go about making holes in the walls or doors - maybe by hitting them with hammers? Or if strong enough, by punching or kicking them? None of which is acceptable or usual behaviour!

I think any ASD person whose struggling has an almost 100% chance of it being related to their condition.

Tell me you don’t know anything about ASD without telling me you don’t know anything about ASD.

Do you have a YMCA near you OP? That might be an option.

Back in the days of having to share accommodation the three of us who shared offered the landlord more rent if they would provide a cleaner for the communal areas which might be an idea if he continues to share.

Lots of us who have autism and ADHD do not meet the criteria for bipolar. This is nonsense. And people do not always consider themselves to "suffer from" ADHD and/or autism.

Isn’t his problem that he doesn’t accept that there is anything wrong with him - not saying adhd is wrong but punching walls is.