I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

No way would he be coming back to me! I expect certain basic standards to be adhered to and he can’t do that, or chooses not to. His condition is not an excuse. Safeguarding your other children and your own sanity should be his priority. As you said, he can drive, hold down a job etc. He isn’t a helpless victim in all this!

He’s doing his best to guilt trip you into rescuing him. Live in his car, my arse.

If you allow him to move into your home you will cause distress to his sisters, feel anxious and on edge, and live in a dump. His autism doesn’t trump four other people’s mental health and quality of life.

Like other ND adults, he has to find a way of living in the world. Aggression, cruel comments , punching walls, dominating the space, hoarding junk are not OK in shared environments. And yes, life is often shite when you’re on a low wage and you live in a crap rental. But that’s part of life.

This really. Loving and supporting someone does not mean to the detriment of others. He clearly wants to move back and never leave again. This would be unfair on his sisters as well as you and your DH. He either accepts help to find somewhere or he doesn’t, but you need to be clear moving back to you is not an option, for the reasons you have given here.

@Paperthin you're right and I agree with you that he's vulnerable and life is harder. The other issues are also true at the same time. Aggressive, manipulating, refusing to adapt to ' sensitive ' siblings needs not to be intimidated by him. Not ok.

He’s disabled - he needs your support to deal with his disability.

It's a tricky one because you have a responsibility towards all of your children. Him being an adult doesn't really diminish this because he has a disability that affects his ability to cope.

How much support did he have growing up? Are there tactics from that support that you can use now?

@PhilippaGeorgiouive been trying to explain this to my ex mother in law about her precious son who she is convinced “sees the world differently” because of his autism. And yeah maybe he does but in terms of his behaviour towards others he absolutely knows the right and wrong options but chooses the one that benefits him, even to the detriment of his own children. That’s not his autism that is because he’s a selfish asshat. You know your own son and doing well to call out these behaviours well done. My ex would do well with a parent like you

As his rent is half his salary, no wonder he has money problems. It should be at max a third.
How does he have an Autism diagnosis, without receiving benefits?

@RelaxedOddish asked regarding benefits, but you didn't answer her.

If he has no life outside work, he really only works to cover his rent and food. If you take him back, is he likely to quit work and become a permanent dependant?

Oh please. He’s a) autistic and b) male. With aggressive and slovenly tendencies and 2 sisters do you honestly think there’s a chance in hell he’s going to look after op in her dotage? There’s a difference between being messy and leaving holes in walls.

Two things from me. You (anybody) can only give what they have got and you haven't got the facility to give him what he wants/needs. Thats sad but true. Second thing is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES (unless you win massively on the Lottery) should you or your DH be a guarantor for him. Third thing (sorry) is that your other children have rights too.

This is eerily similar to my brother's situation right now. He's difficult. Can't hold a genuine friendship, has fallings out at work, argues about everything, knows best but REFUSES to accept his autism plays a big part. My dad recently asked him to move out for the first time (at 35). He makes his money struggles and everything that comes with it everyone else's problem. He's the victim and poor him. My dad is absolutely in a position where he can take him back, lots of spare rooms in his house, but he won't. Mainly because he's so hard to live with and makes my dad miserable when he's living there, but also because it's not good for him. He's in his mid 30's and only now paying his own bills and creating his own life. It's not the best for him, you and your husband or your daughters to take him back. Love doesn't look like giving them everything they want. Sometimes love looks mean but it's absolutely the best thing for them.
Regardless, this must be hard and you have my full sympathy.

He's also very young.

Edit: I misread OP as him being 18, doh.

He’s 25! I was divorced by then and I’m only 38 now!

ETA: just seen previous poster’s edit!

I would quibble a bit with that. Him being an adult, with a job and wage means that he has choices that her younger two children currently do not.

Loving and wanting to support all of your children doesn't diminish with age, I agree, but OP does have to consider her minor (female) children somewhat differently to their adult brother because they have absolutely no reasonable ability to escape whatever family environment she chooses to put them in.

I would argue that she therefore owes them more responsibly and consideration in this particular circumstance and he should not be allowed to move back in and make their lives considerably (and inescapably) worse.

I would also agree with posters who say that having him move home again is not a good idea for all the reasons you have outlined. You are going to have to be kind but tough and be firm that that is not an option [and nor is he going to live homeless in his car on your driveway.]
So,
Adult social services - what are the support options? Are there any training options to reskill - it doesn't sound like it is all about housing.
Help him look for a new room and if needs be help with temporary financial support
Help him look for a new job that comes with housing [and might mean he doesn't need a car?]. What does he actually do? Has he got transferrable skills to something that might suit him better since he hates his job too.
Is he a good driver? Long qualified? Could he train as a lorry driver or farm heavy machinery driver for example?

Then there's the social aspect, the aggressiveness, the hoarding and carelessness. Can adult social care help with teaching him some of these skills so he can sustain housing and learn to live with other people?

No you can’t have him back, he’s impacting on 4 people? It’s heartbreaking and hard but I think in this case tough live is the only way forward.

Well you do really as his sister being sensitive seems more important than his diagnosed condition. You don't have to take him back, he's an adult but you need to own the fact that you dont want him back.

He doesn’t receive any benefits, he applied but was turned down

OP, as someone who grew up with an older, domineering ND brother, I implore you to please don't take him back. He is out of the house, you may be not be able to get him to leave.

My sisters and I spent our childhood and teenage years on tenterhooks wondering when the next tirade of shouting was coming our way. He would also threaten physical aggression.

Every time we went upstairs we would check if there was chance brother was coming out of his room on to the landing.

We never relaxed in that house until the day he moved out.

the rest of the shared house is a tip and for the last few months he’s been the only tenant left and doesn’t do any housework

Did he do housework when other tenants were there?

This is such a hugely common situation with male Autistic teens. And I am not generalising that all Autistic people do this. Yet there's a huge common theme on many groups I'm part of where the boys end up punching walls, aggressive, fixed views to the detriment of others. ' jokes ' that are anything but funny.

Tbh OP, you might feel shocked by this but I'd tell him he needs to think about a consultation with a psychiatrist and consider a medication like fluoxetine. It's for depression and anxiety. It has an effect of helping manage stress. Life is stressful for ND people by it's current societal design. Stress feeds outbursts from the research and consultations I've sat in on regards this.

Your language downplays his risk emotionally at least to his sister's and you. It's not right. It feels enabling. I understand because as mums, we all do it. We do it because they're vulnerable. It isn't the right thing though. You need an in between agreement where either he gets medicated and tries to sort that shit out or he accepts your help for alternative accommodation or you're out.

Support him to find other accommodation not to come back to your house. It doesn’t sound as if it’s in anyone’s interest for that to happen.

His sisters are children being intimidated and subjected to physical violence. OP's son clearly needs support but her younger children need safeguarding against this behaviour. He is 25 and whilst I know autism is a disability and affects the individual's ability to manage situations and live independently, he needs to take ownership of his violent and aggressive behaviour and regulate himself in a different way.

Thanks, but does he have an Autism diagnosis, or do you suspect it?

I accept you can't have him at home, so how to solve it? Has he ever been for a diagnosis?
A diagnosis resulting in benefits would make a huge difference to his life.