I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Yes my husband is his real dad and of course I don’t want him to feel rejected but the girls are not adults.

Seems like you have made your mind up. Poor lad.

Have you exhausted all of the charities and associations who provide support for housing people with autism.

I know you've said he doesn't qualify for supported living buy I would still check out that they have no other options or suggestions or even support him to help find him somewhere independent.

It's a difficult situation for all of you.

Could you convert the garage into a room for him? Somewhere where he is slightly separate from you all? Are there any other options? Dining room or study?

He wants his own way. Autistic or not, he's being manipulative. If you are helping him then he isn't dealing with it all. I think you have to make a firm boundary - he is not moving back home, so he can heave your help to find a place, or he can do it himself without you, and if he wants to live in his car then that's his choice.

In the end, tough though this is, this is in his own interests. If he moves back home he will never move out again, and there will come a time (hopefully a lomg way in the future) when you aren't around to house or support him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He's got so far, and turning back now isn't a positive option.

The OP has said the adult sons is aggressive. His autism also does not completely absolve him of being selfish in his choices.

He has to learn the hard way, at some stage, that his behaviour impacts others. His poor sisters, who have had to live w9th the aggression so far...

He's not a 'poor lad!' He's a grown ass man! He's proven perfectly capable of living independently and has a history of inappropriate and aggressive behaviour towards his younger sisters, who are still minors. To say nothing of his tendency to wreck the house. Of course op can't have him home.

Just don't expect DS's support when you get old! Does he know you favour his sister's? Does he know you value tidy space more than him?

the older one is the sensitive one who feels intimidated by his jokes and temperament.

There’s your answer- you just can’t move someone intimidating into your daughters’ home.

If you thought coming home was genuinely the best thing for him and would set him up to be more independent later on, that’s one thing. But it doesn’t sound like it would genuinely help him long term. He needs to find a way to be an autonomous adult.

You can't take him back and you don't need to. It's actually not good for him. You can help him work out how he can avoid homelessness other than by regression to living back at home making everyone miserable. There are charities etc that focus on homelessness avoidance

I would not. MIL took back her eldest. Similar problems with behaviour.

Decades later he's now 60 and she regrets having him back. He can't see anyone else's point of view, is verbally aggressive at times. She feels she can't ask him to leave now as he's not sure he'd manage and it's hard for him to change at that age.

Honestly I think it'd be better if your son could be helped to learn to cope if possible. One day you won't be around and it might be even harder for him to adjust later in life.

Being autistic does not excuse intimidating his sisters, or punching holes in walls etc. he’s not 18/19, he’s in his his mid 20s. That is a fully established adult. Absolutely no chance would he be returning.

I’m flabbergasted at the lack of empathy and compassion for this young person. Life is hard enough without a diagnosis like the OP son.
A neurotypical person brain hasn’t fully developed until 25. Add neurodiversity, financial issues, he is overwhelmed, struggling and facing homelessness - he is vulnerable,
The thought that ‘ he has made his bed / He is blackmailing you ‘ doesn’t come into it.

I appreciate you have other children and the family dynamic is not ideal OP do you have any other solutions with extended family or a way you can adapt or extend you pr home to help?

It does sound like he needs more support, but you have other children to consider so the way I see it, you need to find a way to provide support without opening the door again to the detriment of the rest of the family.

I would have a sit down chat with him, outline what support you are willing to & can provide, help him looking for someone else for example, help produce a budget planner to help manage finances, if you are able to then you could say you can contribute £X a week etc. Figure out what you can do and offer that, but if he doesn’t want that then your hands are tied- if that means he wants to sleep in his car then you let him do that.

?!?!?! Are you being serious?!

He is a complex, intimidating and aggressive adult male. Whether he is their son or not, if there is an option for him not to be in the home with two teenage girls then of course that should be what happens! The OP has 3 children to look out for but two of them are still that - children.

She needs to put their needs first in this instance.

I'd say no because you have children to consider. He has been fine all this time, he just needs to find another place. If he chooses to sleep in his car then that is his choice. He is trying to emotionally blackmail you with manipulation. I'd reply to his "homelessness" with, "how silly of you to say that, just find another room!"

It would be a no for me. It's setting your younger girls up to have to push down their thoughts, feelings and worries because he makes these comments. They also need time and space without these verbal attacks.

Yes this is another point as we are in our early 50s now and as our house is housing association he will never inherit so he won’t always have us as a safety net.

If you have him back, he’ll be there long term and your daughters will resent him and you. I would expect him to be living independently at his age. He needs to sort himself out and not blackmail you.

This or a caravan

What a difficult situation. I'm normally all for adult children moving home if they need to but not to the detriment of everyone else

For now I would be leaning towards not letting him move back in. I really doubt he would ever move out again. But it sounds like his sisters won' feel like their home is somewhere they want to be anymore.

Help him, support him, but let him find his way. You said he doesn't want you to help. But I'd be sending on links for rooms etc. I don't know what it is like to live with autism, but I do know autistic people. One does live at home but is not aggressive, the other has lived independently since college.

He may still qualify. It might be worth looking at some smaller, charity providers. A lot of places run outreach services where they manages the individuals tenancy, give minimal hours of support but help to keep life stable.

I definitely wouldn't let him move back as he will never leave again. Tell him you are happy to help him find a new rental and move but that's it.

Worst take ever.

But let’s just run with your logic: let aggressive bully DS move back in and don’t expect any support from your two DDs when you get old!