I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

I do have some experience of this, so understand how hard it is. My nephew is now barely functioning in his own home, cannot manage money and is in a real mess. But my dsis won't have him back (no judgement from me about that, it's an impossible situation with him).

Would your son respond to you allowing him to return, but on your terms? So, a list of 'red lines' and explicit rules, one of which is that he moves into wherever there is room for him, he doesn't get to move back into his old room. If he breaks any of your rules, you'll help him move back out. You could also do it only a temporary basis perhaps, state that you're doing it to support him to get back on track, but it's time limited.

I think u will have to say to him No !
if the circumstances were different I would readily say yes let him come home !
my son similar age was living independently with his girlfriend and they split up he could rent by himself but he was struggling with a breakup and felt isolated out of town so we said come home where we can make sure he is ok BUT he is independent and does respect our house ! (He cooks and washes ect )
if he was described like your son I would say No and I would help steer him in the right direction and he needs to learn actions have consequences eg burn carpet ect and how expensive things are he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet u can still be a fabulous support for him but in a way he ends up being independent ! Hope this helps ❤️

This

If you let him back you'll be teaching all the wrong lessons to the 3 DC. I have an aggressive difficult brother and my DM never stood up for me. In fact, she never stood up for me against anyone, and I keep that in mind when she asks me for something.

It's a no from me. He doesn't respect the house or the people in it by the sound of things. It's not all about him. Instinct tells me he isn't trying his hardest to find somewhere else to live and is trying to force himself back into your house

I support your sister.

I'd have the son back only once at therapeutic dose of medication personally.

She’s “sensitive” (aka rightfully pissed off and scared at the threatening and bullying behaviour) not out of thin air. She’s “sensitive” because he’s basically doing a smidge of common assault against her, so, yeah, she gets protected over him. He can just, yknow, stop being the aggressor

Why are you infantilising a grown man? Not to mention one with a history of violent and aggressive behaviour?

Oh me too, she's exhausted all other options. It really is desperate and has almost destroyed her.

Have you ever had to live with an aggressive man? Is that what you’d want for any daughters you have?

Us giving opinions on whether he should live with mum or not, doesn't matter, as he won't be. That's her wish and her right.
If he was diagnosed, medicated and receiving benefits, it could change a lot, both for him and OP.
If he was calm, settled and managing, OP wouldn't have to worry so much.

It's diagnosis and help with rent he needs. It would also allow the rent to be paid direct to his LL.

It would be deeply unfair and damaging to your daughters for him to move back in. Your son's presence would put a strain on all four of you, and that's not something you should entertain.

Protect your daughters, protect your sanity, protect your home. Him moving back is not the solution.

I would also be sensitive to being subjected to violent and aggressive behaviour in my own home but I guess we are all different. Just for reference, after how many instances of such behaviour would “sensitive” progress to “justifiably scared” in your eyes?

@PiggyPigalleyou are not the only poster that’s done this but a diagnosis does NOT guarantee benefits of any kind. My son has severe autism and has spent years in and out of psychiatric hospital as a teenager. He lost his DLA when it turned into PIP (age related) I helped him appeal and he was still declined.
And yet my youngest son who is far less affected gets full PIP as he had someone very understanding and knowledgeable assess him.
No one (unless they have been through it) knows what it is like to live with someone like this. It nearly destroyed me and I am still supporting and caring for the youngest. Sometimes you just have to say I can’t….

I would retry any charity that provides support, speak to GP if there are any supports available. could medication help?

Any chance of supportive counselling -life coach type - perhaps described as a career advisor.

Don’t have him in an annexe in your house as he obviously doesn’t follow normal expectations and would be in the house all the time.

Does he get benefits as he could work for a charity but it would be voluntary work so no pay.

@TheignT very shitty attempt at guilt tripping OP.

Also a good attempt at further gaslighting vulnerable females as 'too sensitive ' because they're expressing a very reasonable reaction to male intimidation. Probably more than what OP alludes to here. OP is very likely minimising the extent and impact on everyone, as mum's often do in this situation.

Oh come on! Her son isn't the only person involved in this. I wouldn't like to live with him - would you? I'm fed up of people suggesting women should be martyrs to their adult children.

Are you insane? What is it about the OP's son that makes you think he'd care for her in her old age?

He needs to talk to Citizen's Advice and make an application for his own council housing.

Oh come on. He's 25 years old, not 12 or even 18. He's an adult. Parents are not obliged to feed and put a roof over their kids' heads for their entire lives, especially when it causes problems for them financially and emotionally.

He's an adult and needs to sort himself out. Doesn't matter that he's ND (which he doesn't accept anyway), he needs to take responsibility for his own life and pay his own way.

No he hates the politics of his job and management but he actually has very strong work ethics and it wouldn’t cross his mind to quit his job, I don’t think he could ever be unemployed as that’s his identity and his everything, it’s just that he’s not particularly popular at work and doesn’t get along with others.
He’s got a bit of a problem respecting authority so he’s not great with feedback but he he works very hard.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t have benefits. If he’s autistic and being made homeless, and on minimum wage, surely the council would help with temporary housing? It won’t be pretty but I don’t think you should have him home with two young girls that are intimidated by him.

It seems to be a really common attitude on here and it's insane. So many helicopter parents who seem to think children should never leave the nest, even when they're fully grown adults.

We currently have our adult ds3 living with us - he and his girlfriend want to move in together, but can't until she knows where her training placements and post training placement will be - it could be anywhere in Scotland, so they aren't in a position to take on a rental or a mortgage right now - so of course we were happy to take ds3 in.

But the big difference is that he is respectful of the house, helpful, pleasant to have around, doesn't cause problems for either dh or me, and wouldn't dream of punching walls, creating huge amounts of mess or making other people feel unhappy or unsafe in their own home.

If he had been like @nomorecheesyjokes's ds, I doubt we would have been happy to let him move back in.