I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Why should two teenage girls have to live with an aggressive adult who is able to live independently? He is not the « poor lad » in this scenario.

I feel sorry for him but then he’s not trying and doesn’t want us to interfere by looking so I don’t know what he wants from us I often find myself wondering this about my DS with autism. My theory: in his mind it is black or white: either he moves back with you or he becomes homeless. He doesn’t want (or can’t) think about other options.
Remember that his autism makes him appear self-centered: the impact he is having on his sisters/you/your house is not something he is considering. Again, not on purpose.

It is ok to say that he can't live with you now. It's not appropriate. You can support him to find a different room, or you can support him to present as homeless to the council (nb to qualify for help as homeless he needs to stay put in his current rental until he is actually evicted - leaving before eviction proceedings is defined as "voluntarily homeless" which is ridiculous but that’s how it is.

Could you afford to buy a caravan that he could live in on your drive? (V cold in winter)

For the sake of your minor children he cannot move back in. His scares them and punches holes in walls.

No child should feel unsafe at home or anywhere frankly but home should be a safe space.

😂 you think he would support the OP when she gets elderly? He doesn't even do his own housework now. He's aggressive to thosehe sees as weaker than himself.

This.

OP, lots have people have asked if you have a garden but you haven’t answered. I would put my son in a caravan if I could but I don’t have a garden!

We don’t favour his sisters in the slightest, we both love all 3 of them but I have an obligation to them as I did with him while he was a minor.
I wouldn’t for one minute expect him to support me in old age as I know he wouldn’t but that’s not the point.

I do value our house being clean and tidy and safe as that’s the way I’d like to teach my children to live and don’t want them to feel embarrassed about having friends pop in.

I would feel sorry for him if he wasn’t being manipulative. Let him live in the car if he wants to, he’s probably just pushing to see if he gets his way.

If you think you two can cope with him, I’d tell him he can move back in once the girls are out. Living with an intimidating brother sucks, mine has a bullying streak that never got called out by family and now we don’t speak. My life is a lot more relaxed without him making me feel bad about myself.

Give over.

What sort of support do you think someone who can't even manage their own living situation will be able to provide?

If you're advising the OP to be purely mercenary and think of her own best interests surely she'd be better off making sure her dds are in a position to a) be able to and b) want to support her in her old age, given even without any additional needs women are far more likely to perform caregiving roles than men.

Poor lad? Aggressive and threatening to his sisters?

Agree.

I have an autistic teen who makes ' jokes' that I do not like. I'm not too sensitive and nor is your daughter OP. I recognise this dynamic and I feel it's a very bad idea to have him back if this is the way things are. Your daughter's are not sensitive, they don't like it. And they'll have good reasons.

He will find another place if he lets you help him. But he isn't so that you're forced. That's not ok.

It does sound like not allowing him to come home is better for everyone in the long run.

can you ask adult socials services for some help? as it sounds like he needs some and if he can't find a room then he will need to present himself as homeless to the council anyway

Another one. GIVE OVER.

Due to his aggression (not excused by neurodiversity) and his unwillingness to make changes I’d prioritise the DC aged under 18 and still living at home. Would offer other help.

Oh come off it! He is a fully grown aggressive man that hoards and ruins his (and everyone else's surroundings). I would absolutely not expect to have to deal with that and I certainly wouldn't have my younger children growing up in a shit hole because of him.
OP can support him to find other accommodation whatever that may be, If he wants to have a massive man sulk and sleep in his car then so be it, it's summer, he will be fine!
Once he realises mummy hasn't fallen for his manipulation tactics he will most probably be happy to look for other places to live.

As it’s housing association we can’t build an annex or extension but we do have a small garden although we have no access to the back garden for a caravan other than the back door off the kitchen so I don’t think we could make that work.

Can you perhaps pay his rent for one or two months?

Take him to the council, he won’t end up on the streets, it could be temporary accommodation or a hostel somewhere, but not on the streets.
I’ve a teenage ds with asd and he sounds exactly like your son!

I would phone adult social services and talk to them about his options because you cannot have him home due to his aggressive behaviour.
They will be able to tell you what assessments or other options he could have access to but no op you absolutely can not have him at your house again, firstly he would never leave again and his behaviour would get worse, secondly you and your daughterd have a right to live in a home tha feels safe, is to your liking and clean.

Please don't put the decision on them in any way, there's enough pressure on young girls to "be kind" without guilt tripping them into choosing to make their brother homeless vs giving up their bedroom and losing their safe space to an aggressive adult man.

Op even if it was his best interests vs everyone else's I'd say on balance 4 outweighs 1, even more so when 2 of the 4 are children, but I don't even think it would be in his best interests to come home - if he did he'd see moving out as something he tried but didn't like and would do everything possible to avoid doing it again. Whereas unfortunately at some point he will have to live alone.

Absolutely help him in whatever way you can but no I don't think him moving back in will be good for anyone. Easier (for him) isn't the same as good.

A few weeks or even days of sleeping in his car and I'm sure he'll suddenly he more amenable to you helping him find somewhere. Plus if he's officially homeless SS will have to help albeit might place him somewhere completely grotty.

Would it be possible for you to help him (NOT do it for him) clean his current place up? It sounds like he genuinely struggles with that, and if he can get a reference, it would help him get a new place.

I'm flabbergasted that you think an adult who has lived independently, holds down employment and earns a wage, and can drive and owns a car as a young adult, should take precedence over the physical and mental well-being of two female minors towards whom he has been violent and aggressive. He is not overwhelemed or struggling, he is having a tantrum because he wants his own way; and he is choosing homelessness over help to find housing. Or is appalling behaviour excusable just because somebody is neurodiverse? Does the safety and wellbeing of two young women not matter because he is neurodiverse? And if he is capable of holding down a job and earning a living then he is capable of understanding appropriate behaviours with others, because he wouldn't be in employment if he wasn't.

Neurodiversity is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

I suspect it's more to do with him being a male (important) and feeling his sisters (not important) should put up with him.