Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

He is entitled to change his mind, I'm afraid.

You now have the choice to accept and respect his decision, or to decide that you can't accept it and walk away from the relationship. Not an easy decision, I'm sure, but if he doesn't want another child, then you don't really have any other options.

I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Just putting more pressure on him is only going to lead to one outcome @Septmum2023 . Do you actually accept that you may need to take a nuanced approach, or do you just expect him to state his commitment to you each month like it's a renewable covenant or contract?

YABU.

OP this must feel devastating but the 2.4 children dream is often just something we’re conditioned to want and it sounds like your oh has now considered the reality of that, which believe me is often very different to the fantasy. All his points are very valid. One child is much less than half the work of two and sometimes giving both everything they deserve is crippling when you’re trying to do everything else as well. I always remember on the odd occasion we had one of ours away, one is a walk in the park. Now I’m on my own and working full time and two teens (neurotypical) with differing needs, it’s bloody hard. I’m not saying you should give up but take an open minded look at his pov. It’s a different lifestyle not just the presence or absence of a second child. I don’t regret mine at all but life hasn’t been easy.

I'm not sure what you mean..
I am not asking him to keep stating his commitment to me. But we have built our family on the assumption that we both want the same thing and I am finding it difficult to navigate this situation.

This, exactly. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

Yes he is entitled to change his mind. But he also needs to realise that him changing his mind may feel completely devastating to you, if you've believed for years and years in one (shared) vision of the future and then it's suddenly taken away from you, with no discussion around it. You've got to re-imagine your whole future and it can take time to grieve the child you always believed you were going to have.

I was in the same position as you and felt equally upset. We discussed and discussed and when my husband realised how much it meant to me, when I said it as per the above, he did agree to another. And fortunately for us it has turned out well and the siblings get on great. However our second was a very very tricky baby and the first two years weren't great, and I did feel like I should have listened to his concerns more and felt guilty for putting our family through it, and I felt like I shouldn't talk about how hard it was as after all, I'd pushed for the situation.

You need to really talk to each other but also listen. He is right about it being much more work, much more hectic, and that doesn't end when they are older (eg if they have different intereste and you're running about to different clubs constantly) for example. But I find holidays easier as they just play and explore together and we get a proper break, whereas with a single child I think there would be a lot of having to entertain them

My advice would be not to even think about splitting up the family that you love over this, why would that be a good plan?

He's entitled to change his mind, as would you be had you had one child and decided you were done. Children aren't some kind of prescription you can cash in, yes you had the notion you'd like a couple, it didn't work out like that. What are your choices in reality? I say this with some understanding as a someone who doesn't have the number of children that I once thought I'd like, but has copped it, because that's life. Focus on what you've got.

We have 5, soon to be 6 kids. Partner wasn’t sure if he wanted another baby when it came to no.6. We held off trying and gave it some time for him to sit on it. Ultimately I ended up pregnant unexpectedly and we lost that baby, which left him absolutely devastated and he decided he wanted us to actively try for another. I’m 31 weeks pregnant and we both feel like we would be happy being “done” after this baby. So he his vasectomy pre-op next week.

I think it’s maybe worth giving him some time to think- you both need to be on board with it. I don’t think I would have left my husband if he had decided he wanted to stop sooner. What does that look like realistically to you? Breaking up your current child’s stability and home life to go and go through the process of trying to find someone else to have a child with? Or do you just break up with no plans to have kids with anyone else? Presumably you had this child because you thought this was the person you would spend your life with.

Just to add a different perspective, OP. We only had one because of secondary infertility. I was devastated at the time because I desperately wanted that second child. However, that was many years ago, and if I had my time again, I would choose to have an only child in the first instance. There are many positives which I had not fully appreciated back then.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.

I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

When did you last discuss the timing of your next TTC?

Because if it was more than a couple of weeks ago, it's not fair to hold him to what you discussed before (which is not the same as you being unreasonable to feel upset at discovering).

I think you'd have been upset at any time he said he didn't want two? Six weeks ago, I was gooey eyed over the possibility of a second. Now my son is waking at 5am daily, and I am not so much! Try and see that the timing of him telling you isn't an offensive action taken to spite you, it might help take the heat out of it.

I don't want to split up our family

Good - don't forget that. Because you owe it to your son not to split up his family for the sake of a phantom sibling.

What helps my husband and I navigate this is to allow each other to express our feelings without rebuttal. We are both allowed to explain how we feel at present without it being considered of consequence. There's no fixed plan that anyone can get defensive of - we accept that our feelings might change and that if we both feel that we want another child, then it will happen.

If not, we're still allowed to speak.

My dh didn’t really want our second child. He was shitty too me when I was pregnant, useless when I got out of hospital, didn’t help with the baby, didn’t ever bond with the second child, and the marriage failed.

Thank you for this. We literally spoke days ago about how this week we would start trying :(

I'm just finding it really hard to navigate right now as I want another so badly and realising that all of my firsts with my son were actually my lasts without knowing. It just feels hard.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for this. We literally spoke days ago about how this week we would start trying :(
I'm just finding it really hard to navigate right now as I want another so badly and realising that all of my firsts with my son were actually my lasts without knowing. It just feels hard.

Thank you for this.

currently finding it very fresh and difficult to accept. I really hope with some time he may come around :(

Why is your point of view more valid than his?

Can you financially afford another child? Don’t think about it as giving your child a sibling. That doesn’t always work out well

I understand you’re upset, but focus on what you have. Many people end up not being able to have a second child for a variety of reasons

He is going to have to support you and show some understanding that this is not something that's quick or easy to get over. I appreciate that people are allowed to change their mind but personally I think talking about a second child for years, discussing details such as timing of ttc and then 'actually I don't want to' completely out of the blue, is pretty cruel.

In my situation it wasn't entirely unexpected, I had known that he found the change in lifestyle in having a child (cutting back on hobbies, no time to yourself etc) very difficult and he had made it clear that he wasn't ready to discuss it until the first baby was a bit older...so I knew he wasn't desperate to become a dad to a second very quickly, it just surprised me that he had been considering stopping at one as we'd always said 'kids', always talked about keeping stuff we might need again etc so I'd taken a second as a given. And it's a really difficult thing to get your head around anything that you think is a given, no longer happening (in the same way that people are allowed to end a relationship but (whilst people accept being dumped) no one 'expects it' or finds it easy to accept, if they thought they were in a good relationship with common goals etc)

I think the timing is something I'm finding even harder, because like you said its out of the blue, we've kept everything from our first baby ready to have a second and now its just been taken away just like that! :(

Your child isn’t even two years old yet. If you were both on board with a second one before, I’d try asking him if the two of you could revisit the topic of a possible second baby in a year or so. Sometimes once people see that there’s “light at the end of the tunnel” after the baby phase, they’re more open to having another baby.

It might be that nothing changes with him, but I think it’s worth a shot.

Slightly different but kinda similar.

Me and DP have a child each from previous relationships, I wanted another, he was unsure, we shelved it until he came to me and asked if we could try, I had kinda put it out of my mind but agreed to try as it had been something I wanted.

We tried for a couple of months, no pregnancy, then life got busy, we went away on our child free time etc and we both agreed that actually we didn’t want another child as we could look forward to life just us when our children were with their other parents.

that was 2 years ago and honestly it was the absolute best decision, we equally concentrate on our only children and then our relationship and it’s so much better than complicating it with another child.

2 years ago I would have been bereft at the thought of not having another child and now I couldn’t think of anything worse (especially as our two are now also 2 years older and more independent).

I absolutely agree, both parents have to want it. Children are not easy, they put a huge strain on the best relationships.

He is entitled to change his mind. You will need to decide if you want to carry on the marriage. It is a tough one, sorry.

Give it time. I wanted a second with a 2-3 year gap and at that point (DC1 around 18-24 months) my DH said he didn’t want another for the same reasons as yours. However by the time DC1 was about 3.5 and easier, it seemed more manageable and he was happy to start TTC. We ended up with a 5 year age gap, but DC2 is now 10 weeks. So I would say, see how you both feel in a few months/a year/a couple of years.

I'm hoping time will help and this may be the case for us too xx

Thank you for sharing

Just as much it is possible your dh will c9 e round to the idea, it’s also possible he won’t.
dh never changed his mind re having another child. I had to accept it (or I could have separated with still no assurance I’d have another dc anyway). I grieve furvtye child I wouldn’t have. It took a while but eventually the urge faded.

It depends a lot of what’s most important for you and if your current dh is ‘THE ONE’

Maybe he did not blindside you but the reality of parenting means he can only deal with one.

My friend is going through this and it’s sad but her husband really wanted 2-3 children.

Until they had 1 and he realised parenting was far more challenging than he thought it would and he only has emotional and mental energy for one.

I also know women who changed their minds and only wanted to raise one whereas their husbands want more.

So you have three reasonable choices.

Leave
Tell your husband you are stopping contraception and hand responsibility to him to prevent anymore children
Accept a family with just one child.

Having child should require two yesses but just one “no”.