Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Vile.

I’d say it’s a foregone conclusion that the marriage would fail if the DW had a sperm donor baby- why on earth would anyone who doesn’t want another child tolerate having to raise someone else’s child in those circumstances? My understanding is he would have no parental responsibility for that child if-as seems very likely- he declined to sign the consent forms.

Well you assume wrongly. Nothing is a foregone conclusion. There are various options.

I’m not sure about the legalities r.e. Parental responsibility. It’s usually acquires automatically if you are married at birth, but that surely would be different in the case of sperm donation I imagine?. but PR means very little if someone doesn’t want to exercise it so not sure it’s particularly relevant anyway.

Well I guess there are those who would allow themselves to be cuckolded in this way. Perhaps I’m just a little old fashioned.

Could you imagine being the sperm donor child, growing up unacknowledged, unwanted and quite possibly severely resented by the DH in the family home in your hypothetical scenario?

I’m fairly sure that if a married man agrees to sperm donation then he is deemed to have parental responsibility and the obligations that go with it. If he does not consent- and why would he- then it is nothing to do with him.

Best to call it a day on the marriage and start again (with a donor if that’s the chosen option).

Well I guess there are those who would allow themselves to be cuckolded in this way

I mean that’s just really sexist and judgemental isn’t it?

Perhaps I’m just a little old fashioned

perhaps- or a lack of exposure to different kinds of families?

Could you imagine being the sperm donor child, growing up unacknowledged, unwanted and quite possibly severely resented by the DH in the family home in your hypothetical scenario?

I think you are making a lot of assumptions and judgements.

At the end of the day there’s no easy and obvious pathway forward for the OP, as her and her Dh now have a difference in desires for what their family looks like. Which is bound to be hard.
But OP has power and she has various choices. So does her DH. They both need to figure out their bottom line and what they can each live with.

Oh, OP, I've only read page 1 so far but I wanted to say I'm so sorry. It's a horrible feeling. In my case we had number 2 and DH did not cope well at all, so went into 'never again' mode (2 was planned and we had both always said a large family - I had 4 in mind, he said 3).
So he didn't want number 3. But then I got pregnant with number 3. He was GUTTED but didn't put pressure on me to terminate (I wouldn't have, but glad he didn't ask me to).
He was miserable all pregnancy, not much help after birth, didn't seem to bond well at all while she was an infant. I was very glad I had my third child but also very upset he wasn't really sharing it with me.
Now she is 2, they have a good bond and he clearly loves her very much. It was HARD going in the early stages, feeling like I had no support, he resented me and I couldn't complain but now I feel it was worth it. Feel very lucky.
And he has now had a vasectomy!

I would suggest trying not to raise it with him in any persuasive way, as I think this will entrench his feelings more. Of course you could raise how you're feeling, the grief and bewilderment, just in a sharing your feelings way, if he's the type to be supportive and give you what you need with that. I so relate to you saying you didn't know those firsts were actually your lasts - it feels like you've been robbed.

To add to this- I think men often feel entitled to make choices for themselves- regardless of impact on their partner / family because they assume they have the power to do so.

Meanwhile women are told they don’t have options, and if you point out they do , women are told well yes but they would be selfish to exercise them or they would have detrimental consequences for the family.

It’s important to address this as it doesn’t reflect the reality - it’s really just serving to disempower women.

And in any case it’s through equalising the balance of power that the best compromise for everyone can be reached

It's also as important to listen to the partner who doesn't want another child.

Both men and women are perfectly entitled to decide, for themselves, whether they wish to create a child, regardless of how anyone else feels about it. Are you suggesting otherwise?

exactly. So why are people telling OP her only options depend on a male partner (which they don’t) and she is selfish for exercising any other options (due to impact on family):

I get you OP. I would have found that really hard too. To be honest, I know other posters have said not all siblings get on but my two do. So I can see what you were always hoping for and planning for. I do think it’s unfair he’s changed his mind

They’re telling her that both parties need to be in full agreement. This isn’t a ‘men throwing their weight around’ issue.

You just said (which I agree with):

”Both men and women are perfectly entitled to decide, for themselves, whether they wish to create a child, regardless of how anyone else feels about it.”

Now you say “both parties have to be in full agreement”.

So which is it?

What you mean , of course , is that DH is entitled to his decision not to create a child (regardless of OP’s feelings and impact on the family) but OP is not entitled to decide for herself to create a child without her DH approval.

This is a) de facto false; b) an arbitrary double standard, and c) hell yes it’s gendered for both social and biological reasons.

Also need to think of existing and resultant child. If OP splits from husband so she can try to have another child with a new partner/sperm donor, will eldest child feel they were never enough for mum, will they resent a new sibling as the need for this child was what caused his family unit to split, not great for sibling bonding. If use sperm donor will resultant child resent elder sibling having a dad, is it fair for youngest child to know nothing about their genetic background etc.

It's not a double standard. Having children is a uniquely momentous undertaking, with lifelong repercussions. Both parties must agree to create a child. If one person does not agree, they are exercising a legitimate right, and they are not being selfish.

Having children is a uniquely momentous undertaking, with lifelong repercussions. Both parties must agree to create a child. If one person does not agree, they are exercising a legitimate right, and they are not being selfish

Yes I agree.

Having children has life long repercussions , (especially for women for a range of social and biological reasons). Not having children also has lifelong repercussions, (especially for women for a range of social and biological reasons).

Everyone , man or woman, should be entitled to make these decisions for themselves- as you say they are exercising a right. The right is of course is quite different in character for men and women, as for women it’s a matter of bodily autonomy in a way it’s not for men. This is why when a woman is pregnant a man loses the right to decide , and only the woman can consent to abortion.

If OP’s DH doesn’t want to conceive a child, he’s entitled to make that choice , regardless of impact on his family.

Equally, if OP does want a child, she’s entitled to make that choice. there are options whereby she can choose to do this, and she does not need DH’s agreement to do so.

If she chooses to do this without DH being on board, maybe their family will disintegrate. Equally if DH makes his choices without OP being on board, maybe the family will disintegrate. they are totally equal in power and responsibility and no ones needs/ wishes take precedence over the other, nor does the blame .

The alternative is they come to a compromise that they can both live with, which is much more likely to happen if OP realises she has equal power in this situation.

Ni, your logic is flawed.

Nobody is saying that the OP isn't absolutely entitled to decide for herself to create a child without her DH's approval. They are merely saying that she has no right to force him to father that child against his will.

There is absolutely nothing to stop the OP from having a child with another man or via a sperm donor, if that's what she decides to do. If she remained married while doing so, her DH would have to make a decision in that scenario about whether he wanted to stay in the relationship or walk away. Either way, he doesn't get to dictate what she does with her own body or her own fertility.

There is nothing remotely contradictory in saying that both men and women are perfectly entitled to decide, for themselves, whether they wish to create a child while also believing that both parties have to be in full agreement for this to happen. If one partner doesn't consent, then the person who wants a child would need to find an alternative means of achieving their aim. It isn't a double standard... the position would be the same if the genders were reversed.

I totally agree with all you have said and not arguing with that.

Read the thread.

I was simply pointing out that OP has a range of choices to have a baby without DH.

somehow these choices are either not mentioned in advice to OP at all , or if / when they are , people present them as unlikely, far fetched and/ or fundamentally selfish. The same scrutiny isn’t placed on DH’s choice. That’s what I was objecting too. And it definitely is gendered not least because men and women have fundamentally different experiences in relation to reproduction. Denying that is a form of sexism in itself.

Oh that’s so shit.

I would chat with him and make it clear how important this was to you, how you were really looking forward to starting trying this week etc. Yes, he’s allowed to change his mind but he’s completely pulled the rug from under you.

My partner was similar in that he definitely didn’t want a third. I brought it up occasionally over 4 years and eventually he gave in.

I’m not saying nagging to death is the best way to go around this, but I don’t think I would let this lie.

How hands on is he with the children?

The same scrutiny isn’t placed on DH’s choice. That’s what I was objecting too.

There was a thread recently about a situation where the H suddenly wanted another child and the W did not. Again, the support was saying that both people need to agree, both positions are valid, but the person who doesn’t want the child has the casting vote, as it were, because they are in favour of the status quo. So I would disagree with your argument here. The DH is in favour of the status quo. He can’t be forced into fatherhood any more than that other poster could be forced into motherhood, and most of the comments are reflecting that position.

I can't believe anyone would split a family unit up to have another baby. How fair is that on the existing child? Their life torn apart because mummy wanted to reproduce again. Sorry, but this is all about the woman's goals (not needs - nobody needs another baby). And for what? I doubt the existing child longs for his little world to implode for the sake of sharing it with a half sibling.

I couldn't agree more.

Although, to be fair, he did change the goal posts.

Getting splinters from sitting on the fence here.

@RampantIvyHe’s incredibly hands on, which is probably why he didn’t really want another one.

Typical 🙄