Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

That's really tough, I feel for you. That said until you actually have children, you never know what it's actually like. You can change your mind, and that needs to be respected. It's just sad that you're having to deal with it.

But this is MN, that 👆sort of sensible logic doesn’t apply.

Sadly, this happens a lot.
There are so many threads on MN from women who have had kids with reluctant fathers. They then post here to say they their partners don't pull their weight.

I also know several women to whom this has happened, and the response is "well, you were the one who wanted a/another baby. I didn't".

As others have said, he may change his mind. I have a 3 year old DD and we’ve known since she was 4 months old that I can’t have any more children (cancer). When we agreed to try for DC we were both in total agreement that we only wanted one. Throughout every difficult stage of babyhood we even used to say to each other “at least this is the only time we have to deal with colic/reflux/sleep regressions/weaning etc etc”

My opinion hasn’t changed. Even if I could have another, I wouldn’t want to as I hated being pregnant, and only have the mental capacity for one child as I often feel overwhelmed as it is trying to get things right and not screw up - DH on the other hand, said last weekend that now DD is older he finds himself thinking how nice a second would have been! He’d have never said that 6 months ago 😂

Equally, your DH may be like me and knows in his heart he couldn’t cope with two now he’s had the experience of one. It must feel very painful though and he needs to recognise the impact on you.

@Septmum2023 is he being more realistic about money than you are? Everything is so more expensive now. We have just left the teen phase and going into young adult phase. It is expensive. So don't just think about the expensive childcare phase. It can also be an emotionally challenging phase. It doesn't necessarily get easier as they get older, you just have different challenges. So if your DH thinks he is giving his all to your child and doesn't think he could genuinely give more with another child in the mix. Listen to him.

Yes it is different to the plan you first had, but where children are concerned, it is really important that you don't just stick rigidly to the plan you first had. The reality of a having a child can be very different to the dream you had about having one. And it isn't always a good idea to plough on having children to ensure you have the number you originally dreamed about, even when it isn't a good idea to do so.

If the roles were reversed and it was the woman saying they couldn't face having another child although the original plan was to have two, would you think it was the right that the man was praying and hoping that the woman would change her mind, and thinking her reasons weren't valid. Or maybe the man would leave her so could have another child with someone else, and splitting up the original family unit.

Good - don't forget that. Because you owe it to your son not to split up his family for the sake of a phantom sibling.

This is the kind of advice that makes my blood absolutely boil.

At the end of the day OP, your family, your reproductive choices, and your relationship have to work for you and your happiness as much as anyone else’s.

If your husband changed his mind, your position is not either sacrifice your happiness, or take all the blame for the fact that your family looks different to how you thought.

As per the other thread if you know that your happiness depends on another child, you have options. Once you see things that way it redresses the power dynamics a bit, and you both can think more clearly about what you want / need and the best compromise for everyone.

I'd get him to write his objections down, leave it a little when then discuss it again. You do likewise for why you want another.

This is totally reasonable OP. Don’t let anyone persuade you that it’s not.

Many people are saying how he is entitled to change his mind, and how a kid is not something to be cashed in etc. Without actually acknowledging how devastating this must be for you. It's seems so sudden. Perhaps you can leave it to cool a month then have another chat.

We're currently having similar discussions that aren't going how I expected. I'm seeking to understand him, but I totally feel your devastation.

OBVIOUSLY a child has to be wanted by both parents. However (I can say this, as it's an anonymous forum) I secretly think my opinion should weigh slightly (majorly??) more - my vagina/body/career/pay/sleep.

And before I get piled on, yes I know that's not fair to him in the slightest and yes, I know his life will change, too, and yes I know it's slightly irrational but that's why I said 'secretly think'.

And it makes my blood boil to see people dish out advice against take things coolly, rationally, and to wind down the instant pain the OP is in.

Except it actually doesn't, because this is just advice I'm giving to a stranger about how to try and find a resolution within her relationship.

If you read my posts, I've tried to be kind to the OP, who I understand is in pain. I've tried to lessen the pain so that she can see past this.

When you have a kid, you can't stand on your rights to total independence. Her husband is thinking about him, about them and the one child that already exists.

It would be a very real risk to the OP's happiness as much as anyone else's to leave the family she has.

So do something about your blood pressure and get off your high horse.

DP is worried about being able to afford one child; your desire is to have another.

i think you need to do your sums , because if his objections are financial, the best way of meeting them is to demonstrate that actually you will be able to meet the costs of giving two children and two adults a reasonable life in an inflationary world. Emotions and previous expectations are not relevant to the discussion.

money - is most of the financial burden for this family on him? Or do you both work FT?
Stress - was your first child an easy baby?
Not looking forward to it - how did having the first child affect your relationship? Did it bring you closer together or were you constantly at each other? Easy pregnancy and birth?

You change your opinion based on new information. He probably agreed before he realised how grueling having a baby actually is.

We both work full time, baby wasnt difficult but we do have less time to do the things we 'want' in his eyes. Which I think is a big thing for him, but I've tried to explain that with 2 we just do the same things that we do with 1! Pregnancy and Birth were all fine x

Hes not being cruel. Cruel would be going ahead and then leaving OP and kids saying he cant handle it . The reason he told you just now OP is probably because it was becoming a reality and, for him, not one he wants.

I think give it some time. DH and I have similar discussions. He found the "change" to our lives much more difficult than me, even though arguably my life changed a million times more than his.

He's keen to get some life back before we think about doing it all again whereas I said if I get my freedom, body, career and time back, there's no fucking way I am going back to the pregnancy and then baby stage...I want to be DONE.

Everyone is allowed their feelings on this. Just leave it for a month or two and talk again.

hmmm then it really does sound like he has just changed his mind and is happy with one. It is disappointing but at least better than 'I don't want kids at all'. You have a lovely healthy and happy child who is your world and it can only get better as he gets older.

I only asked as there have been many threads like this with massive drip feeds - the OP not working, ill all through pregnancy, awful birth, arguing non stop over petty 'who does whats' afterwards. But this really doesn't seem to the be the case for you...

In our situation it was reverse. We had always talked about 2 but once we had one, within months I knew I was done. There’s nothing to change my mind. Now our DC is 6, things are much easier and there’s zero chance id go back and start from scratch. While he may change his mind, he may also won’t.

I sympathise with you OP. I was once in this exact situation.

It took about a 12-18 months of revisiting the topic every few months until my husband agreed that we should try for Baby number 2.

Those 12-18 months were emotionally very difficult for me as although I knew I couldn’t force him into having a second baby, I genuinely didn’t know how if I could accept his decision and move on without feeling any kind of resent towards him.

OP, I’m sending you a big hug. It is totally understandable that you feel blindsided and upset. I wanted two children, DH consistently wanted this too. I would have been very sad had DH changed his mind about two. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open, be honest and respectful and see how you both feel in 6/12/18 etc months time
xx

Come off the pill, make contraception 100pc his repsonsiblty and explain clearly you will never considered an abortion.

Then hope his slips up at some point. You can even be explicit that you're hoping he does.

I don't think there's much else you can reasonably do.

4 is way harder than one. It's not twice as hard, it's like 4 times as hard. (IMHO)

Back in the day men could be reasonably certain that anything to do with child care would fall to the woman and the man could carry on as normal.
In modern times fewer and fewer women are willing to put up with that. Men are starting to understand that if they want to have offspring they will have to bear more of the burden. When it comes down to it they don't want to do any of the boring, menial work that eats into their free time and their enjoyment of life.

I think it's more stark than even that. Back in the day if man wanted sex it was on the Woman's terms. He had to offer marriage and the domestic life that went with it or no dice. Men were falling over themselves to get married in their teens or early twenties. Also at one point you needed kids to support you in old age.

Now sex is available on men's terms and "the state" covers care when were elderly. No immediate need to offer marriage or make babies.

It sounds horrible, but I'm convinced it's that.

@Septmum2023 i wanted a second but didn’t try for one for various reasons. Now I’m delighted to have my one, and am aware that I have been able to be a better parent because I haven’t been up to the limit of my parenting resources. Maybe your OH feels like this? Having some extra capacity is good, and essential if/when life challenges arise.

Op yanbu at all. It's absolutely fine to feel devastated by this situation.
That said your DH is not unreasonable either.
It's fine for him to change his mind of course it's not.
I have dts so this is a bit different but I always wanted more and like you was so excited about experiencing motherhood from a different perspective.
DP said to wait until a certain age and when we got there he said no.
I was absolutely gutted, I really was but decided to accept it and move on, although at times I wasn't sure if I could do this.
I think what helped me is that I already had 2 children so got to see 2 different people grow up.
I understand if you would find that difficult.