Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

That should read of course it's ok for him to change his mind.

I assume you mean two is harder than one!

But yes, all my friends with two talk with deep chagrin at being left with both, and one said that not only does she have the ever moving goalposts of one child's development, she has to adapt to having a 3&1, 4&2, 5&3 etc...

We wanted more than one, and it's not "settled" that we'll stick to one (won't be for a few years, I imagine) - we do say that if we won a million pounds, it would be more of a possibility because we could make the first five years that much easier without any loss of income.

I really feel for you OP. I remember after having my first I wanted a second with every fibre of my being. I have truly never wanted anything as much as I wanted a second child after having my first and if my DH had stood in the way of that I don’t think our relationship would have survived.

Yes, a child should be wanted by both parents; yes, they aren’t a receipt to be cashed in; yes, people can change their minds. But the casual way he’s dropped this on you with no notice suggests he doesn’t really understand or care how important this is to you, so I would try to talk to him about that.

Even if I had any slight desire for two before I had DS, which I didn't, the reality of parenthood would have killed that off. It happens and is a fair reaction.
My DH agreed and took himself off for a vasectomy when DS was one! Love him to bits but he is now 6 and the most exhausting person I have ever met. I suspect he'll be the sort to get up at 5am and run a 10k before work.

I assume you mean two is harder than one!

Yes. The stress of two children has rendered me unable to count.

If it helps, after getting up at a time that started with a 4 with my son, I spent a good few minutes trying to work it out...

You’ve got a few options .

leave and hope you meet someone else and can get pregnant
get pregnant accidentally on purpose but when he finds out it will be game over
accept he’s changed his mind and seek therapy to accept a 1 child family.

you can’t force him to have another child . I get he’s upset you and you need to decide you want your happy marriage with him and one child or you split.

That must be out of the blue for you and so last minute when you were planning to start TTC now. You must be very upset. I would make an effort to listen and talk through his reasons and find out why they are coming out now - has something prompted his change of heart or has he felt like that a while? No way of knowing if he will change his mind again but I think discussing it rationally, if you can do, is all you can do at the moment.

Also bear in mind that while you can plan not to have a baby, you can’t plan to have one.

Maybe look at all that you have right now and not at what you don’t have- while acknowledging your feelings about this development, which are valid.

Is a hypothetical second baby worth leaving your husband over? Having your existing son only every second weekend, or only 50% of the time? I’m not saying it is or it isn’t, but this is your question to consider.

Men are stupid and lack restraint you know what you need to do

Disgusting advice.

Unlike some PPs, if I was in your situation I'd be exceptionally careful with contraception. Unless that is you are genuinely happy, able and willing to end up as a single mother to two children (I wouldn't be). Because that is the very real scenario if a baby is conceived without both parents on board.

I’m sorry, OP.

You quite clearly acknowledge that your husband has the right to change his mind, and that both parents need to be in agreement to have a child. Despite that, I can see why you’d be devastated to have your hopes and plans upended. I’d have felt the same if my husband had
suddenly said he wanted to stop at one child. I hope you are able to discuss it with him, and find peace with whatever happens.

That does not remotely describe my friends marriage nor her husband.

It’s also fine to realise that parenting is HARD and thus limit how many children you have.

Many women decide to reduce the number of children they actually have compared to the number they had dreamt about once they realise how hard work they can be

Exactly this

What dreadful advice. I’d pity the poor child born as a result of such an immature strategy.

Eww your one of those baby trappers
Selfish AF
Hope you dont sook when the father up and leaves you for being a sneaky ahole

You have options.

1. Accept he won't change his mind and decide you are OK with it.

1. Accept he won't change his mind and decide you're not OK with it and split up in the hopes you'll find someone who will give you another baby (and be a loving husband and, more importantly, a loving stepfather to the child you already have).

1. Live in limbo in the hopes he'll change his mind in time for you to conceive.

Only you can decide which is the best option for you.

These aren’t the only options. This is 2025, there are a range of reproductive choices available to women that make them no longer dependent on men. The sooner women realise this (and stop falsely telling each other otherwise) the better.

I wish people would think firstly about the future child rather than their own wants. Hopefully anyone considering these options would consider the dynamics of one child with an active, involved father, and the other without, and then having to manage that.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves love the username!!

OP we always wanted two, however due to secondary infertility we have 1 (our daughter is nearly 6).
Tbh I try not to think of it and remind myself how fortunate we are to have 1 child (it took us 2.5 years to have our daughter) and make the most of being a Mam as there was a time when I thought I wasn’t going to be one.

What I’ve took away from it is, you can have an idea/expectation on what you want in life. However it doesn’t always turn out the way we expected and we have to remind ourselves about what we do have.

Your partner may have always thought he wanted 2 but the reality of actually having a child is completely (I find a lot of people don’t always see past the baby stage).
I would listen to his concerns and also speak about your concerns.
If you are happy with everything at the moment (apart from this) I wouldn’t jeopardise it.
It doesn’t mean that it isn’t upsetting.
if the shoe was on the other foot and you didn’t want anymore but your husband did he would have to respect your decision.

There are all different kinds of happy families and lots of ways a family can look. Some happy families don’t have dads, some happy families do. Some unhappy families dont have dads and some unhappy families do! The same can be said for siblings- I certainly wouldn’t be without mine and nor would my children. Equally that’s not the same for everyone.

As long as a child is loved and cared for and raised with honesty and reflection that’s all that matters.

Sorry, this was supposed to quote Tandora

I don't think anyone on this thread is unaware of the fact that the OP can procure sperm to possibly fertilise an egg and place it in her body to produce a pregnancy. That is a simple and factual matter.

Everyone else on the thread is responding to THIS question in the OP:

I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Most people have interpreted that as supporting her feelings/understanding of her current situation and her relationship in the future.

I was responding to the pp who layed out three different options for OP. One of which involved breaking up the family but hoping and waiting around for another man.

I was pointing out there are other options ( of which sperm donation is only one ) (-which btw don’t necessarily even have to involve breaking up the family).