Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

i don’t see DP as ‘blindsiding’ you more he’s just trying to be honest. He probably was completely truthful about originally wanting two but probably the reality is such he doesn’t feel he’ll be able to support each equally for the reasons he gave. It’s difficult but at least you have one healthy child and the support of his father to raise him. If this was a woman who had changed her mind about a second child, we’d be fully supporting her so same should apply for the father also. Hoping your circumstances do change as you’d like but either way good luck.

This is really hard. We had similar, but we had 3 and when we were going to have our 4th (which we’d always planned) my husband changed his mind, for the same reasons yours has said.

I said fine, but that contraception was now on him. Get a vasectomy or use condoms as I wasn’t taking responsibility for preventing a pregnancy that I wanted.
He didn’t do either, so we ended up with a 4th.

If I were you, I’d take a few months and really reflect on whether you’ll be happy with 1 child or whether you’ll end up resenting him. He has the right to want only one, but you have the right to not be ok with it.

I know of a few couples who differed on the number of children they wanted and it really caused problems. One of them stuck to 2 (she really wanted 3), they later divorced and he had another one with someone else! By then, she was too old to have more children when she met her new partner. She was really resentful about it 😢

Who says anything about it being invalid?

Of course some people are unable to have more than one child, that doesn’t mean OP should be happy with where she is. They had a deal and were both in agreement and now he has changed his mind and OP is left in a situation she did not choose. Of course he is entitled to change his mind but it’s a pretty shitty thing to do it at this stage.

This.

Give it time. You are still in the thick of nappies and seemingly endless childcare bills. I'd give it another year or two, and see how he feels when things are easier - no nappies, more sleep etc.

Good - don't forget that. Because you owe it to your son not to split up his family for the sake of a phantom sibling.

It is his father who is splitting up the family if OP decides to leave? Why should she stay in a relationship where her choices are controlled by her partner and he can change his mind on a whim? They had an agreement and he has reneged on it.

OP doesn’t owe her son her relationships.

OP can leave her husband for any reason she likes, of course - but if the purpose to leave were to be to have another child a) she'd end up seeing her son less because he'd spend time with his dad and b) he'd have a new half-sibling, maybe with a stepdad, maybe not, c) her son wouldn't see as much of his dad.

None of those are great consequences for the child that doesn't exist, which currently only the OP wants.

It would be equally controlling if the OP forced her husband to have a second child he didn't want.

This is a difficult problem to solve because there is no mutually acceptable compromise.
In your shoes OP I would tell him that contraception is now his problem, ie if he wants to have sex he is the one who has to make sure that no pregnancy occurs.

Until they had 1 and he realised parenting was far more challenging than he thought it would and he only has emotional and mental energy for one
I think that what you said there is very relevant @JHound .
Back in the day men could be reasonably certain that anything to do with child care would fall to the woman and the man could carry on as normal.
In modern times fewer and fewer women are willing to put up with that. Men are starting to understand that if they want to have offspring they will have to bear more of the burden. When it comes down to it they don't want to do any of the boring, menial work that eats into their free time and their enjoyment of life.

So this leaves two options:

• he knew he didn't want another child and lied
• he thought he wanted another child until the point he had to go through with it and make it real

It's a shock to you that he has changed his mind, but I'd give it a week to cool off, and ask for a proper conversation - which of the two above was it? If he changed his mind, I'd advise you both to park the question six months.

If he changed his mind a while ago, then he needs to apologise for waiting til the deadline and making the shock absolute.

I think you need to be prepared for a certain lack of certainty. It's sadly something you can't plan for or timeline - except your conversations.

The only thing you can compromise on with having a child is the precise timing (e.g. within a 3-6m timeframe) - but for the rest, you both need to agree.

Gosh that’s hard for you. It’s rather better, of course, that he’s realised he doesn’t really want another child now rather than when you’re already pregnant or the child is actually here. There’s unfortunately no compromise to be had here, if he doesn’t want another child, you can’t have another child with him, which leaves two options; either you accept this and you continue through life married with one child or you leave in an attempt to find someone else to have a child with, breaking up your existing child’s family and potentially risking never finding anyone else. It feels cruel.. but I know what I’d choose.

I understand it's tough and disappointing but this is something a partner can change their mind about it and sadly, there is no middle ground.

You have 2 options. Accept his decision and try to become content with having one child or leaving him and finding someone else to have another child with .

As a mum of a 2 year old I think you need to give it a bit of time before deciding on your future.

Your son isn’t even 2 yet. I personally couldn’t have imagined getting pregnant whilst my son was 1. I’ve pushed back ttc baby 2 due to similar reasons that your partner has mentioned.

Not to give you false hope but I’m starting to feel ready to ttc soon and my child is almost 3.

As your baby is so little I’d say leave the convo for now and bring it up next summer. The fact he said never say never means the door is slightly ajar.

OP I'd be equally devastated. He's gone back on his word. Personally, my desire to have two children would override the relationship and I'd always be resentful if I stayed, but that's a completely personal thing.

I really feel for you, I do get that he's entitled to change his mind but if it's a deal breaker for you, it's quite cruel to do so at this point

Sorry should add your feelings are valid too and you’re allowed to be disappointed that your partner has only just admitted to you he isn’t ready or can’t imagine another

I have been in your partners shoes though. We say we will try x month then when it comes close I think ahh am I ready and postpone

Id say see what happens next year x

That's devastating. I feeel the same (as my child's father left).

I would suggest couples counseling for you two though, I think once the big kid is three and in nursery and potty trained he might feel ready for another. Also talk about who you want round your dinner table at Christmas in 5 or 25 years, not just the first few months.

They were on the same page as far as she knew until he pulled the rug out from under her feet this week

Op at 32 you have another decade probably to meet someone else to have a baby with. In your shoes I would freeze my eggs now.

The reality of a baby is very different to the idea.

I planned 2 but stopped at 1 because I struggled and knew I'd be a worse mum to 2 and I didn't want to put my actual and planned second baby through it. Perhaps he feels the same?

Unless he is a shit dad, in which case leave and start over sooner rather than later, I think you need to try to focus on what you do have - a lovely family that isn't overstretched.

I know you feel like he has taken something away from you, and it's fine to have feelings of grief, but please don't lose yourself and your precious family moments to "what ifs". Whether he changes his mind or not, you have a wonderful family to enjoy now so don't lose sight of that. X

So your desire to have a second child would not only override staying in an otherwise happy, functional relationship, but also disrupting your existing child’s life?

And just to clarify, while io said get out sooner of he is a shit dad, that really only applies if he is a bad dad.

Of course you are upset but its easy for people to say leave and find a second dad for baby 2, but if he is a good father, it's not just about what you or he want, it's about your child spending 50% less time with him and 50% less time with you if he wants shared custody. Alternate christmasses. Perhaps having more or less than a sibling with a different dad.

So my advice is put it on the back-burner an revisit the issue in 6 months to a year.
Pregnancy affects women but parenthood is a shock to men too.

He may feel differently. You might too. But snuffing out an otherwise happy family while your hormones are everywhere and you're only early 30s is a bad decision in my book.

This is what I have said. I am not willing to go on contraception to prevent a pregnancy that I want xx

I think your partners honesty is quite refreshing actually, the alternative would be for him to go along with it when it’s not really what he wants. The time frame from discussion to changing his mind is irrelevant. Good on him. Disappointing for you, but it’s better then resentment and a split family further down the line.

I'd be more concerned that the man was prepared to have a child with you but not to talk about the greater security in law for both you and your current child that a marriage would offer. (Even if only a 15 minute civil marriage.) Do you have a profession and a good salary?

Totally agree. He is a really good Dad and we are a happy family. Just finding it hard not to give another child the life that ours has. He's worried we wouldn't be able to give two the best life that they deserve (for money reasons) but I'm confident we would because children don't need everything under the sun to be happy. Just been a rough day and I'm praying time will change things x

It’s not shitty at all. A woman who had one child and realised she couldn’t cope with a second, even if it had been agreed otherwise, wouldn’t be told she was being shitty.