Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Well you don't have another baby then. Don't rob DC of their father simply because one child isn't how you envisaged your life. He may change his mind, you are just getting back to normal and he doesn't want to throw himself back in the trenches. Enjoy what you have and be grateful he felt able to be honest with you.

I know what you're saying but it's not as though he's said no to children full stop. They have one (presumably) happy and healthy child and, to be fair, you really can't know whether you want more children until you've experienced the reality of having one. I think that's particularly true of men as they (generally) don't have the same biological urge to have kids. Now he knows what it's like, he's made an informed decision which he couldn't have done before.

I really don’t understand your position that the “status quo” has some kind of inherent moral priority simply because it’s the “status quo”. Sounds like the status quo is making one half of the partnership miserable. No one has to accept the status quo they are in simply because they are in it.

Of what?

Although, to be fair, he did change the goal posts.

"We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month." --- That vague form of words has a lot of scope for the OP misunderstanding or hearing what she wanted to hear. So I very much doubt this guy explicitly promised two children in clear terms. Nodding and saying "yes dear" to keep the peace doesn't count.

If he had made such a promise then I think it's on him to do exactly as he promised, although there's no sane way to hold him to that promise.

holding OP responsible for holding together the family , blaming her for its potential disintegration , when is her DH who has in fact changed the goal posts.

Dismissing OP’s reproductive autonomy wants/ needs as being trivial and selfish, while affording her DH ultimate entitlement to his , regardless of the impact on OP or the family, and even though there is in fact more at stake for OP (given the different roles of men and women in relation to reproduction)

repeating the same old tired, thinking-in-the-same-narrow-box logic/ tropes regardless of what argument is put before you. Etc.

And OP is supposed to be grateful to boot 😂 😡😭. Please.

OP- of course you aren’t and don’t have to be grateful.
and You also don’t have to accept your partner’s choices about what you can and can’t do with your own body.

It’s your body, your fertility , your life, and your family as much as his.

Think about what you most want/ need, and decide what is in your control and what isn’t, and how to make the things that are in your control happen

If you feel that you can live and be happy in your family with 1 child, then great.

If you can’t, that’s totally fair too.

You can have another baby if you want one- the power is yours. Your DH is in or he’s out- up to him- but you have just as much right to choose what works for you, as he does for him. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing your wants and needs matter any less.

No it isnt just the same as one. At all.

It's less time together as couple, less time with your existing child. Harder to manage family life. Conflicting priorities. Less money.

Your comment about all your first being your lasts. To be honest women should consider this with every child they have. Pregnancy and more kids is never guaranteed for any one. For a million reasons.

As for contraception I would say you should discuss this further. Things can change but if you are adamant you dont wish to take it he may decide that he wishes to make sure he cant get you pregnant ever and consider his options.

You still have a toddler, park it give it some time and revisit it. He may change his mind and or you might change yours.

Actually her existing child's needs should be her priority and no one needs another child.

They may want them, but that should never be at the expense of children they already have.

Just wanted to reply to this one,

we had always said we would have 2. We decided to start trying this month and I came off contraception in March, jointly agreeing, I’ve been tracking my ovulation since March and we have both bought pre conception tablets and have been taking them for the last few weeks to get ready to start trying.

I agree with this. My son is my absolute main priority in all of this.

Again, though, he’s allowed to change his mind, for any, or no reason, just as you are.

You haven’t got a clue what’s in the best interests of her existing child.

And Are you telling dad he needs to think about whether it would be in his child’s best interests to have a sibling? Didn’t hear you consider / suggest that…

Are you telling dad he should think about whether it’s in his child’s best interests to make his mother deeply unhappy.. to put a strain on their marriage by reneging on their agreed plan for their family.. Nope… Didn’t hear that either…

I do wonder why….

@Septmum2023 a second child is quite a big undertaking, sounds like he may be having a wobble. I'd pause and revisit the conversation in a few weeks/months. I have a friend who is 8 months pregnant with her second and she's STILL terrified some days and wondering whether she made the right choice.

No they don’t, but then the OP’s choices come down to those previously outlined. What she wants isn’t currently available as an option.

The status quo, when discussing having kids or not, is relevant simply because it is as it is. Not having more is not disruptive whereas having more creates a massive change. You can’t take kids back once you have them; you have to be very sure you are equipped and able to have them and look after them, so if the parents can’t agree, the position defaults to the person who’s saying they are NOT equipped and able.

You seem very invested in this, seeming to want the OP to take control by creating a baby without any say from her H just because she wants one (even though I very much doubt she would want to do this). Why are you so keen to push the narrative that she is a hard-done-by woman being controlled by her husband instead of an equal partner in her relationship?

But neither do you. Not do any of us.

A sibling can be wonderful but that’s not guaranteed. Every pregnancy is a roll of the dice. Siblings can make each other’s lives easier, but also much much harder in some cases. I think PP have suggested some sensible things for the OP to consider and to be fair, the dad isn’t the one here asking for advice on how to proceed, so “telling dad he should think about whether it’s in his child’s best interests to make his mother deeply unhappy“ etc would be pointless.

Why are you so keen to push the narrative that she is a hard-done-by woman being controlled by her husband instead of an equal partner in her relationship?

eh?. I’m arguing the opposite. She is an equal partner in the relationship and she has every right to make choices for herself just as her partner has done.

its you and others who are arguing that she isn’t equal- that she has to accept her DH’s choices , because they “trump”. Actually this is not true as a matter of fact (because OP doesn’t need her DH’s agreement to have a baby); nor does it have any actual moral weight when you break it down.

What about the needs of OP’s existing child - do they not count for anything?

its you and others who are arguing that she isn’t equal- that she has to accept her DH’s choices , because they “trump”. Actually this is not true as a matter of fact (because OP doesn’t need her DH’s agreement to have a baby); nor does it have any actual moral weight when you break it down.

I completely disagree with this. Why are you so obsessed that a woman who wants a child should be able to have one no matter what?

You seem to be utterly unable to see any other point of view other than that of a woman obsessed with having another child.

I don't think it has occurred to you that not everyone is as broody as you and that they are also able to see the husband's point of view as well.

Having a child is not a right. It is a want or a desire, not a need.

She has to accept her husband’s decision not to father another child. If the tables were turned, he would have to accept OP’s decision not to bear another child. The person who doesn’t want a child should not be “trumped” by the one who does. Why are you making this so complicated?

I don't think it has occurred to her that not everyone is as broody as her

I mean the OP is though? I can very clearly see rhat You are absolutely all very well able to see the husbands point of view. It’s OP’s point of view that you are continually denying/ dismissing/ diminishing/ trivialising. Actually the desire for a baby is not trivial at all- it’s one of the most fundamental aspects of life. And the right to make our own choices about reproduction/ fertility etc absolutely is a right.

I love how reminding a woman she has reproductive autonomy and doesn’t have to be dictated to by her DH is being framed as “over complicating things” 😂.

Anyway, I will leave this here as I feel like I’m getting to the point where I am derailing the thread. I’ve made my point. OP might want to hear other people’s advice that might speak to more to what she’s willing to consider.

Good luck OP
xxx

Of course she can use a sperm donor but this is not just about conception. If OP's husband doesn't want another baby then it stands to reason that this means he doesn't want to raise another baby - toddler - child alongside theirs in the family home. So that's OP also choosing the end of the marriage.

You can't just give birth to a random man's child and go oh, it's ok - we can share the first one but this one can just be mine! They're not hamsters.

I would close the subject for now and focus and enjoying your family.

Again, these are all assumptions- none of which actually hold. (And also the only alternative isn’t just sperm donation).

Annnyway.

Sorry OP. I said I didn’t want to derail x