Partner does not want another baby but I do

[Septmum2023]

My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind. I don't want to split up our family as I love it so much but I worry if it does not happen I will struggle to get past it.

Does anyone have any advice?

One thing, OP, if you're supposed to be trying this week, your hormones will be going crazy around ovulation shouting BABY, BABY, I WANT A BABY!

So give yourself a week to cool off, and get your husband to talk about this properly.

Thank you I have been all over the place and didn't think of this!

I agree with the PP about giving it a week for the hormones to cool down. However, I understand how you feel. I wanted a second child but my DH did not, so we have one daughter. I admit that it changed how I feel about him, I felt resentful towards him and that he had deprived me of something I really wanted. And how dare he, because it was me who did 99% of the work for our daughter! But that feeling faded. 16 years on, we've had much more disposable income over the years than if we'd had 2 and we are able to retire early. I realise that won't sound like much of a win for you, because you are young and want your second baby. Which I understand, believe me - back in the day, I'd have felt the same way. But I can see now that life hasn't been at all bad. I hope things work out for you.

would you say the same thing to a man who thought about divorcing the mother of his children because she no longer wanted sex (which is common in older/working/tired mums). would you say are you going to leave your wife and break up your family and disadvantage your children for the possibility of future sex? I highly doubt it. people go into relationships with expectations, and agree on those expectations. its perfectly valid to leave if those are changed against your will.

Doubt away.

We all go into our relationships with expectations about what our lives will be like. But you can't plan for the changes life brings.

I have one son, the same age as OP's. I always wanted more children - but I suffered a combination of health issues and life circumstances age 31-32 which meant that a further pregnancy could risk my life at worst, my mental health at best. Do I want another baby still? What I would want more than anything would be for my life to be the sort of life where I could freely choose. But I can't - I have to accept the constraints of my life as it is.

One of those is a child who loves mummy, loves daddy, and is happiest altogether with the three of us together.

It's not like I *ever said on this thread that the OP cannot, must not leave. If she can't get over the fact that she can't have another baby, then it might not be a good idea to continue. But since the OP *literally asked for support to handle this situation without breaking up her family, then my comments are dealing with it.

You're welcome lol, I know when I'm ovulating because I get crushes that are random and incredibly strong hahaha.

He might change his mind when your son is a bit older? He's still very little

Hoping this might happen!

I’d see what happens this time next year. Like I said in a previous comment the other day I always said I’d have a smaller age gap but have only just started to feel ready now my son is almost 3. I used to think 1-2 but every time we got close to our “let’s start now” month I’d postpone it

Eh that's exactly what I would say.

Why wouldn't you?

no, id never advocate for someone to stay in a sexless relationship if thats what they'd neither signed up for or agreed to. and especially not for the sake of children, a false myth if ever there was one.

Care to tell me why they are assumptions and don't "hold"?

What are the mysterious other options? Adoption? Same holds. Nobody will let a woman adopt in a home where a man lives who doesn't want him or her. My point was that of course the OP can have another baby but if she does so after her husband has expressed how he feels she is probably going to end up divorced.

Because there are families where one partner wants a child, the other can’t or doesn’t want one, the first pursues other options and yet the couple remains together. You might not believe it as perhaps you haven’t been exposed to much family diversity but it happens, especially in LGBt couples but straight couples too. Gamete donation isn’t the only option- there’s also coparenting.

@Septmum2023 obviously your son will be the main priority but unfortunately in this scenario it will always be the element of resentment: You want a baby, he doesn't. He wins. That's something really difficult to get over.

I always wanted two kids so in this scenario I'd be telling my DH that I need some space to think about whether the relationship is going to work.

As for contraception - that's all on him!

I suspect that the relationships you are talking about are few and far between. It can't be healthy for a child to be resented by one "parent" or member of the partnership. It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic.

In the cases I know of where one partner wants a child and the other doesn't the relationships didn't last and ended with acrimony and resenment. The non resident parent showed no interest in the child.

I don't know why you find it so difficult to understand that some people just do not want another child.

I really feel that sometimes in today's society people just need to accept that we can't always get what we want in life.

Again can you just give it a rest with all the assumptions and judgements? : no one said anything about resenting the child. You’ve never even met a family with such a set up, yet you feel entitled / qualified to call the family dynamics unhealthy!

Also no idea where you got the idea that I can’t understand people not wanting a child? 🙄

Anyways.

Again can you just give it a rest with all the assumptions and judgements?

And can you do the same please.

If you are adamant that you want a second child and will leave him and have one with someone else or alone and tell him that what would he say?

Not in a blackmail sense but just stating what you want and what you will do to get it.

Of course if you aren't prepared to leave him over it then don't break up your family.

I was in a relationship with my now dh. He was not bothered about marriage and would have just carried on as we were. I wanted to get married. He wanted me to sell my house andmove in with him. I Said I wouldn't. No matter how much I loved him I would have left him if he would not marry me as it meant that much to me. I didn't see it as blackmail just outlining what mattered to me . What was a deal reader for me. Hope that makes sense

😂 I’m not making any.

just stating what you want and what you will do to get it.

Exactly this.

It’s not blackmail; it’s having boundaries for yourself and it’s totally ok.
like you say you have to mean it though

What a sad situation. I feel for you. Yes people can change their mind, but you have every right to feel aggrieved as a change of heart was not shared or discussed and that must hurt a lot.

I wouldn't say your feelings are down to hormones either- you know what you wanted and thought it was mutually agreed.

No one apart from the upper middle classes and above can afford children these days. Objectively yes it is the worst financial decision but you don't need me to tell you that you'd find a way to manage despite it all.

I wouldn't take any action until you are absolutely certain. I would talk further with husband to try and understand each other's point of view better, painful though it might be. In regard to leaving, I would judge it on how willing he is to acknowledge your feelings and be open to review/ explore options. Ultimately you know you best and you know if you could cope with the least favoured scenario. I wish you all the best.

I'll be honest, if my partner had changed his mind and just wanted one after saying they wanted others, that would be a deal breaker for me. I don't understand why it's ok for him to change his mind and expect you just to deal with it.

Because you’re making a new human being. It’s not like changing your mind about whether you want to go out for a curry. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. Therefore the parent who doesn’t want a child has, in effect, a veto. So that an unwanted child isn’t brought into the world.

I get that. But if he has changed their plans then it's perfectly reasonable that the person who wants another baby has the choice to go and do so and not just settle for a situation she did not want.

But the OP does have that choice. She has the option to leave the relationship and have a child with someone else. At the expense, obviously, of breaking up a presumably otherwise happy relationship with her child’s father, and looking at a future of having her existing child living elsewhere part of the time. But it’s certainly a choice she can make.