Work colleagues found photos from when I used to do pole fitness and are mocking me

[JadeyFlies]

I haven’t done it for a while but prior to having
my 2 DC, I used to attend weekly pole fitness classes. These were really fun, and what made it brilliant was how supportive the environment was and how everyone encouraged each other.

I’ve mentioned in passing to a couple of colleagues about how I used to do this when we’ve been discussing fitness and routines etc. They seemed intrigued and the conversation moved on.

Fast forward a month, sat on lunch in the staff area and one of the girls I work with showed me a photo on her phone and asked whether it was me. I confirmed it was.

The photo was on the instagram page of the fitness group I used to attend and was from 6 years ago!! I have no images of this on my own social media, this is private, rarely used and I have no work colleagues on there.

It was a group photo so I was with 3 others but we were in ‘outfit’ so to speak so I wasn’t wearing loads of clothes.

One of my other colleagues (male) chirped up and asked me if I realised I need to declare second jobs to our boss (as in I’m a stripper), and another one said I should wear that outfit in front of clients as it would help us win business. So my female colleague had obviously shared this photo with them before.

I haven’t left a workplace in tears since I was 16/17, but I was so upset on my way home and felt humiliated by my colleagues.

I don’t think this is just ‘banter’ and in my view it crossed a line so I’d be worth considering reporting this? Or do you think I’d be better laughing it off as it won’t get anywhere

There are indeed plenty of sexist, racist and homophobic people out there, and plenty of bullies, and plenty of toxic workplaces. There are also many, a majority of workplaces who do not tolerate this behaviour and would discipline or sack employees for behaving in the way towards another employee.

Those with prejudicial views would do well to keep their views and behaviours to themselves if they want to not suffer daily embarassment, having their arse handed to them in real life and on the internet, thrive in the mostly tolerant and relaxed society and culture that exists in the UK, stay in paid employment and out of jail.

Or maybe grow up, educate themselves and try not to live in fear of women and anyone who is different to themselves or even has a different hobby.

People can call it “pole fitness” and wang on about core strength and empowerment all they like, that doesn’t change the fact it’s an activity rooted in the sexual exploitation and degradation of women. Sport my arse…

Regardless the way OP was treated by her colleagues is appalling and clearly a HR matter.

I’d just go straight to HR. They are all being massively inappropriate and disrespectful.

I would speak to the HR team. That’s sexual harassment.

That woman’s an absolute loser - she must have been trawling for ages to find that photo!

Next time it’s mentioned I’d laugh and say “god knows how X found it- she must have been trawling through for ages bless her. Who has time for that? God I looked good then tinkly laugh.” Then swoop off.

If that doesn’t work then to HR.

It’s deeply inappropriate in a work context to suggest that someone is working as a stripper. Come on, that is not hard to understand.

Yes, rooted in it. So what ? It’s a fitness class based on pole dancing. OP and the people in her class clearly enjoyed it , weren’t being coerced in any way, and it wasn’t for the gratification of men. What’s the problem ?

This.

https://www.britishpolesports.co.uk/

http://www.polesports.org/about-us/history-of-pole-sports/

https://www.ipsfsports.org/en/world-pole-aerial/athletes/schedule

This isn’t rocket science. OP was asked about the activities she enjoyed and mentioned she used to do pole fitness classes. OP wasn’t humiliated that they followed it up, she was upset because when they did, they put their own small minded and ignorant spin on it, and intimated that OP had a side job as a stripper. The fact that they went looking for photos online and then shared them as though they were sleazy soft porn is evidence of their intent to humiliate her. However much posters want to make this about the fact that OP engaged in this hobby, it’s not. It’s workplace bullying, pure and simple.

I think your posts say more about you than the subject matter TBH.

Are you really not capable of recognising the difference between taking part in pole fitness classes and pole dancing in the ‘stripper’ sense ?

This response would make complete sense had OP shared photos of her pole dancing and was no upset at the response. As you say, still harassment and should be investigated but possibly a life lesson for OP too.

But that’s not what happened. A colleague searched online for a photo of OP from several years ago and then shared it with others. You seem to have either missed that bit or be under the - legally incorrect - impression that this is acceptable workplace behaviour. Part of cultivating a professional persona is knowing the difference between ‘banter’ and things that cross the line, but an even more important part is attention to detail.

Do you refuse wedding invites on the basis that marriage is rooted in legalised rape and the denial of women’s autonomy?

Your female colleague searched Google and showed your photograph in a public place for no other reason other than to try and embarass and humiliate you. What a nasty person. Her actions were deliberate and calculated. She chose to show them to others where she hoped they would result in a reaction from others. The behaviour and comments that followed were wrong.
You have done nothing wrong. What action would you like? What do you feel confident doing?

Address it in the same group setting pointing out the inappropriateness of something said in private being used in a way to try and embarass you which resulted in hurtful comments.
Speak to your manager, HR or both and let them deal with it. Don't let it fester.
Good luck to you. Hold your head high.

Sure, yes I do,if that makes you feel better. Look, people can do whatever they want but personally I’m not going to pretend that pole “fitness” isn’t inherently derived from a sexist industry and there are a fuckton of other sports and fitness activities that aren’t. But hooray for the typical lib-fem “I choose my choice” delusional bullshit I guess…

That’s your choice to not do it though.
And if you want to judge other women first chosing to do pole dancing, go for it.

But not at work. Not publicly. Not in a way that is aimed at making the person feel bad/humiliate them.

What do you mean?

Why would someone feel the need to go searching for your past previous fitness pictures.Sounds to me there's some jealousy of you and this person felt the need to try and humiliate you.

I do thing they were being kind of mean and unprofessional OP. I'm not sure I'd report personally, I'd be more likely to say something to them up front. I do think that if you are consdering reporting a good idea is always to think about the outcome you want, vs what is actually likely to happen. Once you go higher up it's no longer in your hands, iyswim.

I will say though, that as much as lots of people want to say that it's "just fitness" that is really not at all how a lot of people think of it. Everyone knows it comes from stripping and there are enough classes that explicitly market it as something sexy that it's not likely to lose that connotation soon - this isn't something under your control or where people are even really wrong to make that association, which is why I suspect many people wouldn't have brought it up at work. Your co-workers seem to think of it as "stripping-adjacent" and also that you were happy enough to talk about it openly, so may have thought that joking about it would also be reasonable.

Even now a lot of pole dancing classes market it as a way to get in touch with your sexy side, or for events like pre-wedding bonding stuff with your bridesmaids, and stripping is the main association for it.

the association is there, and there is also a perception that a lot of women who do it are having a bit of a stripper fantasy. I think that's not generally accurate actually, but it's a common POV and the marketing doesn't necessarily contradict that.

It's kind of like women who do boxercise with no intention of ever really boxing, it is still associated with the sport of boxing, it trades somewhat on the "tough" image of boxing, and people who really think boxing is awful aren't likely to do it. And you might not mention it at your weekly pacifist meet.

This is sexual harassment.

It doesn’t matter what your colleagues or other posters think, if you tell HR they will recognise it immediately and also understand the legal implications of not responding appropriately (you could sue). Tell HR.

No I didn’t miss the bit from the OP. The coworkers would have never searched for the photos had the OP not shared that she was involved in this activity.

But you seemed to have missed this bit from my response:

As your manager(public):

• you should report to me or HR if you think you’ve been harassed in any way. All reports will be taken seriously and investigated.

The rest of it is 100% applicable and true in my experience.

Point flew straight over your head then.

If by ‘lib-fem’ you mean people with the ability to distinguish between dancing in front of other women who cheer each other on for their skill and strength, and women taking off their clothes while dancing in front of men who throw money at them, then I guess I’m a lib-fem.

Nope, I referenced that bit when I said ‘As you say, still harassment and should be investigated…’

‘Involved in this activity’? An exercise class six years ago? You seem to be implying that OP is responsible for being harassed. That’s legally incorrect and, if you are a manager, you really should brush up on your knowledge. Not everyone is prepared to ‘tough it out’ any more, and the law is on their side, whether you like it or not. If a colleague searched for photographs of your children because you mentioned your family, I’m sure you wouldn’t think that acceptable.