Work colleagues found photos from when I used to do pole fitness and are mocking me

[JadeyFlies]

I haven’t done it for a while but prior to having
my 2 DC, I used to attend weekly pole fitness classes. These were really fun, and what made it brilliant was how supportive the environment was and how everyone encouraged each other.

I’ve mentioned in passing to a couple of colleagues about how I used to do this when we’ve been discussing fitness and routines etc. They seemed intrigued and the conversation moved on.

Fast forward a month, sat on lunch in the staff area and one of the girls I work with showed me a photo on her phone and asked whether it was me. I confirmed it was.

The photo was on the instagram page of the fitness group I used to attend and was from 6 years ago!! I have no images of this on my own social media, this is private, rarely used and I have no work colleagues on there.

It was a group photo so I was with 3 others but we were in ‘outfit’ so to speak so I wasn’t wearing loads of clothes.

One of my other colleagues (male) chirped up and asked me if I realised I need to declare second jobs to our boss (as in I’m a stripper), and another one said I should wear that outfit in front of clients as it would help us win business. So my female colleague had obviously shared this photo with them before.

I haven’t left a workplace in tears since I was 16/17, but I was so upset on my way home and felt humiliated by my colleagues.

I don’t think this is just ‘banter’ and in my view it crossed a line so I’d be worth considering reporting this? Or do you think I’d be better laughing it off as it won’t get anywhere

Oh dear… OP I’m going to split my response in a few parts

As your manager(public):

• you should report to me or HR if you think you’ve been harassed in any way. All reports will be taken seriously and investigated.

As your manager(private):

• OMG why did you share this with coworkers. What else are you sharing and with whom?
• Oh FFS… this is absolutely ridiculous.

As a woman in the professional world for 25+ years:

• Your coworkers are not your friends. You may be friendly with them but there is gulf of difference between ’work friends’ and your friends from school or in your private life.
• Your professional persona is important. Grow it, cultivate it, protect it.
• This will follow you either way at your current workplace. Is your pole dancing what you want be known for professionally? There is a huge difference between being proud of something personally than professionally.
• You opened this door. It doesn’t matter if it was at drinks or in a training room for your annual training on something stupid. If a coworker is present you need to have the work filter engaged.
• Work is generally not the place you want to conquer all the social injustices of the last 100 years. Don’t not stand up for your self where it matters. But is pole dancing your hill to die on?

To cut it really short… do what you want in your private life. But just as you wouldn’t wander in to work in your jammie’s while picking your nose you need to understand how to edit your life so that you are first and always known for your work and not the things you do in your private life.

Olympic sport for stripper dancing was really funny though so thanks for that
It successfully completed the (then) first major step towards Olympics inclusion, by having its governing body (The International Pole Sports Federation) obtain GAISF "observer status" back in 2017.

Unfortunately, it fell victim to GAISF being dissolved and replaced by SportAccord (the new umbrella organization for international sports federations) which meant that all in-progress applications have had to be started over.

I'm not sure why you'd think I was trying to upset you?

Its not a sport that I have any interest in, as I dont enjoy gymnastics or dance type sports generally, but I dont really see it as any different to other sports of that type.

The below image, for example, looks a lot more like athleticism than it does titilation, to me.

I agree with this. It’s the equivalent of someone coming back from holidays and a colleague searching up their social media for swimwear photos and passing them round the office. That’s the line I’d take: ‘Laura, I was really stunned that you decided to search out pictures of me in my fitness class from six years ago to share around and invite comment. I can only presume you did it to embarrass me. How would you feel if Brian and Kenny did the same with your holiday pictures, and circulated them to invite comments and laughs? It’s completely inappropriate to stalk me online, and to create a situation that has invited people to make sexual comments. In fact, it’s harassment, and puts me in the difficult situation of having to report it to HR due to unwanted remarks of a sexual nature.’

Well, I am curious to know in what way I'm "transparent" - care to elaborate?

Genuine, not faux, confusion....

This advice from @largeteamilknosugar is really terrible advice. I wouldn’t be encouraging it. Great advice if this was a friend or someone from your personal life but awful in a professional setting or outside of internetland.

Can you get the person who typed your first response to help you again?

You know, the person who helped you count to 7 in that little list?

Sort of astounded by some of the responses here from (presumably) other women. Seems to be a lot of internalised misogyny, if-I’ve-had-to-deal-with-it-then-you-will-too-missy stuff. The commenter with a seemingly disingenuous “public” manager persona, and the idea that the workplace isn’t where you want to be fighting your “social justice” battles, is particularly disappointing.

We spend a good chunk, if not a majority, of our waking lives at work. It pays bills, gives financial independence and, for a lot of people, a sense of purpose. Plus there’s the contribution to society, the economy, research, healthcare, education, art, literature…whatever. The workplace IS life, not some weird Thunderdome where people have to hold their own against Aunt Lydia’s and man-children. If you’re a manager who has the ability to challenge this behaviour, why tf wouldn’t you? It’s bad for business. You apparently have idiots in your ranks. You are allowing a culture where good talent might be getting stamped on before it has a chance to bring anything of value to your organisation. Talent which WILL leave and find a better place. Like…why is this hard? Smh.

Is it internalised misogyny to recognise the reality that people will always judge, comment and mock any activity they find amusing, vulgar or simply don't approve on, and that wishing that weren't so won't change that?

The manager who commented seemed to be giving very sensible advice, based on simple realities.

Surely it is better to give advice based on what you know will happen than base it on what you think should happen, but won't.

RUBBISH. What absolute nonsense.

HR would be interested in the OP being harrassed and bullied not in photos of her at an exercise class "bringing the company into disrepute" any more than they would be interested that there are photos of me doing yoga in my class and us all going swimming in the river.

Doing yoga or river swimming and stripper dancing are not the same and cannot be compared. It really depends an awful lot on the type of industry she works in and the photographs. It certainly cannot be written off as nonsense or rubbish, though fairly unlikely it is possible, depending on the company's stance, contracts, codes of conduct etc.

https://www.davidsonmorris.com/bringing-the-company-into-disrepute/
https://www.personneltoday.com/hr/employees-bringing-their-company
https://harperjames.co.uk/article/what-to-do-if-your-company-has-been-brought-into-disrepute/

I think this is the crux of it; what you and I think is going to happen are very different. You - and correct me if im wrong - seem to believe that we live in unchangeable society where attitudes are set in stone and people will always be shamed for stepping outside societal norms, and that’s just how it is; it’s all of our jobs to toe the line or suffer the consequences.

I - and a lot of others - believe that attitudes are changeable, and that part of what changes them is difficult conversations, challenging norms and calling out unacceptable attitudes which, yes, are hurtful and mean etc etc but, moreover, bad for progress. I’m not sure there’s a massive jump between telling the OP she needs to just accept this because of her choice of hobby, and blaming someone for being raped because of what they were wearing. The attitude is the same, and it is that attitude that finds places to survive in these sorts of grey-area situations. It needs called out for what it really is: a belief that women should behave a certain way and occupy certain roles in society. Which is just incorrect - logically, morally, philosophically, economically, biologically…really in any way. Which is why I can’t wrap my head around these responses. It’s as if people don’t think about things beyond their strange, society-given knee jerk reaction.

And, to perhaps pre-empt a response here based on your previous posts, none of what I’ve said above is designed to upset you, or be antagonistic. It’s truly is what I believe, and I think it’s quite well-founded based on the last 100y of history. Voices encouraging people to just accept their lot and keep their head down have found themselves on the wrong side of it. Or have been found to have an invested interest in the status quo.

It's not stripper dancing it was a pole fitness class.

I tried it myself in my 40s at the local council run leisure centre.

Where did you imply "stripper dancing" from?

The Misogyny Playbook, perhaps?

No, please stop putting words into my mouth, and if I responded correctly to antagonistic people you have no need to worry when you have not been antagonistic.

It is a simple fact that people will always have their own opinions and she cannot control the narrative.

Some activities over time have wandered in and out of fashion as being acceptable or unacceptable. Sexualised dancing, under any remit, has alway been seen as vulgar and attention seeking by some, and accepted or even cheered on by others.

But what has never changed, and never will, is gossip and mockery.

Do a thing or don't, but accept that you cannot and will not control the narrative. People will respond any way they choose. That has not changed, and never will.

Far better to be realistic about this and accept it and act accordingly, based on how resilient the OP is, which seems not very, she should have kept it quiet.

The manager comment nailed it.

People will respond any way they choose, you’re right. Unfortunately for them, some responses may stray into the illegal, which is where her colleagues potentially find themselves in this situation. The appropriate response, therefore, is not to ignore it, but to report. Workplace laws exist for several good reasons.

Oh it's definitely called stripper dancing outside the libfems of mumsnet 😅Usually accompanied by a a roll of the eyes and a "yeah she does that stripper dancing" though I haven't heard much about it for years tbh, it seems to be quite out of fashion now.

You already knew it was based on stripper's pole dancing, no need to get so upset about it being accurately named.

Oh and btw, resorting to ad hominems really shows you don't have much of an argument.

Yes, possibly they may have overstepped.

I think she should ignore it because she is not resilient, ran off crying and it will draw much more attention to a photograph she is embarrassed by if she pursues it and there will always be those who gossip about women who stand up for themselves legally too. Maybe she has the gumption for the HR route, but it doesn't come across that way.

I think she should just hope it dies down and only if it is brought up again go the HR route, and in future just not mention it mockery and such reactions are too distressing to her to stand.

You're entitled to disagree of course.

Where did pole dancing originate? And are pole dancing classes for children encouraged?

Your response here was far more compassionate than the ones from people telling her to just get on with it/ it was her own fault etc. I have to agree, partially, that if fighting a battle is going to cause her more harm then maybe it’s not worth it….but then it comes back to organisations losing good people because of allowing behaviour like this to run rampant etc. Reporting stuff like this shouldnt be as difficult/ traumatic as it is; managers/ leaders should be sniffing this stuff out and coming down hard, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned. And in a lot of places they are. Which is why my issue was with that particular “manager” response.

trip trap trip trap