For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

Sounds like it’s not a sports issue just that your husband is a shit dad.

Your husband is a lazy, selfish, uninterested father, doesn't even sound like he does the bare minimum.

Leave you pointed out how little he does with his own children and in comparison with fathers that encourage their children to do sports and hobbies?

Sounds like DH is crap but aside from that can't you take him to sports? Because of my DH's work I've been involved in DS1s football and cricket and DS2s cricket and rugby and swimming. Its not just a Dad thing.

Football - or lack thereof - isn't the issue; your husband being a lazy, selfish twat and a shit father is.

This

Why can’t you play football with him. ?

Why can't you do sport with your son?

Is football for boys and dance for girls?

Was going to say this. I was the one taking my boys to basket, football and taught them how to swim and ride a bike. Don't need to be a man to do that. Is there anything else that he does with your DS?

It’s a shame his Dad does nothing with him, but plenty of boys are good enough at football to be able to play with mates in the schoolyard without Dad getting having been involved. Why can’t they bond over gaming?

I think it’s fine if your DH keeps rugby as his adult hobby that he does with his adult friends- I have a couple of hobbies that in theory kids could participate in but I keep my kids out of it and I don’t encourage them to be interested. They have other interests that I will watch, cheer for and encourage, but I want something that’s mine. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent.

I think the early night for a primary school level sports day is a bit precious honestly.

Was going to say this. I was the one taking my boys to basket, football and taught them how to swim and ride a bike. Don't need to be a man to do that. Is there anything else that he does with your DS?

Tbh I think we both struggle with how challenging parenting can be. I’m not anywhere near a perfect parent. I think I have a lot more self awareness about it though.

I think sports is the biggest issue for me because I’ve always been terrible at sports myself. Other than booking my son for coaching, I can’t help him kick a ball around.
I also want him to have a strong male role model.

On occasions when I’ve brought it up my husband won’t disagree with me. He might kick a ball around with him once after a conversion but that will be it.

He did a bit more when DS was a toddler, but recently DH seems to be finding himself mid life, going to the pub a lot, going to play golf.

His dad was a very traditional father. Earnt the money and stayed in the pub while the wife put them to bed type thing. Had 4 kids and I’d say never kicked a ball with any of them. When he has a few drinks on him he says he regrets how much he left to his wife.
So that was my DH role model growing up.

This.

My ds dad hasn’t been around since he was 1yo.

He’s still into sport because I encouraged it when he showed an interest and has competed for the country in his sport.

Your ds will do fine with any parental support but he won’t do fine if he has a dad who’s present but yet not present when he’s seeking his attention.

It’s not about which parent takes them - it’s about the self esteem that comes from a physically present parent showing them they care and have an interest when they seek that.

Sounds like he’s not engaged enough.
Though one thing to consider is - why should it be him doing sports w your son and not you? If he doesn’t want to why don’t you do it and then offload some other household/kids duties on him? I get it you aren’t into sports but you don’t need to play it with him just take him to the classes and sign him up for camps etc.

My DS (8 yrs) is majorly into football and neither DH or I am. Like we literally cousin care less, don’t watch it, don’t play it and never did. DH is into working out and judo and tried to get DS into different martial arts but he wasn’t buying it. I’m only into yoga which I have little hope he’s going to get into lol. But we take turns taking DS to his football training twice a week and occasionally we watch a match on tv with him. I’m sure if he had parents more personally into football he may be better at it than he is, but to me this level is good enough, you can’t transform yourself into something you’re not. Can’t you just sing him up and take turns taking him to training?

YANBU as boys can be quite brutal & being able to join in with footie does help (rightly or wrongly). I would leave DD & take DS & you can get to know the other parents. Could you see about rugby too? That can actually be better as it’s not quite as competitive as footie.

I have taught him to swim & ride a bike. I can barely kick a ball myself (literally, i have terrible co-ordination) so I can’t teach him ball sports.
I do take him to football, and I’ve taken him to extra coaching. I’ve taken him to hockey and he says he wants to try basketball so I’m mid trying to sign him up for that.

I do also believe that boys need male role models to a point. I’ve no doubt tons of single mothers raise great sons, but I have a husband right beside me who could show an interest.

There are a lot of disparate issues here. But if your DH doesn’t play football I guess it’s not that surprising he doesn’t play it with your DS. He will improve his game from his Saturday morning practice. But it’s not going to be the thing they bond over, even if this might be nice in your view.

I agree with you it’s pretty poor to bail out of sports day for golf though. He could just play it another day.

I think the things that gets to me is my DH is into sports. In a big way. He watches a ton of sport.

He enjoyed rugby growing up, he’s massively into rugby. It’s it more normal to want to share that with your child?

Why can't you kick a ball with him or sign him up to the rugby club?

So if he already goes to football and you’ve even signed him up for extra coaching what’s the problem?

I'm not a single mother but anyway my point is; does your DH do any other activity with your son ? My DH loved taking the boys to the cinema, zoo and the sea. Since I'm a Sahm I let him chose activities that he enjoys.

But I do understand your frustration if he's the one enjoying sports and you have terrible coordination it makes sense that he takes your DS to sports.

I find the last bit of your op where you say your boy is a lovely kid who loves a chat and would thrive with an interested dad really sad.

My exh was like that. He never and I mean never played with the children apart from when we split up and he wanted to come back and he suddenly had a personality transplant and made a model with the children which they loved and I thought, if only he could have always been like that. (It didn’t last.)

Your husband sounds hopeless and why is he going to the pub and on lads’ nights out so much? It’s lazy and selfish.

I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

Your poor boy. That's so sad.

OP im a lone parent and a woman. I kick a ball about with my son in the garden. Don't let being a woman stop you.

What do you think your husband will be like as your son gets older? Will he show more or less interest I wonder? It’s his chance to be a good dad especially if he didn’t have a great one himself.

I see. So it’s not really about your DS not getting enough exposure to sport in general but more that you feel disappointed with your DH’s lack of engagement with him. I understand. It does sound like he’s not that engaged. You said he didn’t have a close relationship w his own father so didn’t have the greatest role model. So you know what’s going on.

it’s sad to watch - I have a similar-ish situation where my DH doesn’t engage as much w the kids as I’d hoped. He didn’t have great parents either so he didn’t learn how to parent in an engaged way. I know he appreciates that I’m more involved and he tells me so occasionally. I try to reminded him to do more w them and create opportunities for him to do so by stepping back and also (okay this is probably annoying for him but I don’t care) doing things like saying to the kids - go play a board game with dad or ask dad to do so and so w you - and when they do he usually says yes. But there are so many interests he has that he could do more to actively share w them.

but with time I’ve also come to see that he is the person he is. He grew up the way he did and he’s not going to change majorly at this age. So I accept that he’s more hands on w household stuff. He cooks most meals and does a lot of cleaning and grocery shopping, he drives and I don’t etc. And so I do more w the kids. In an ideal world everything would be evenly split but alas this is where we are. I think the most important thing is that overall the household and childcare burden is evenly shared and you each feel appreciated for what you bring.