For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

I can assure you it's not misogyny to think that being able to play football is a handy lingua franca for making friends, particularly (though not exclusively, obviously) for boys. We moved countries when DS was 7 -- new education system, climate, language etc. Being able to play football immediately with the kids in his new school was a boon.

OP doesn’t need a black belt, she needs a DH who pulls his weight with the kids’ activities!

It doesn’t have to be football but team sports are such a huge help socially. My oldest is sporty and he will make instant friends with anyone with a ball of some kind who’s willing to play, it’s lovely to watch. My other son is much more introverted and not as sporty but throw in a ball and he can engage socially with new people. A team sport is mandatory in our house.

He is interested, as I’ve said multiple times, he says he likes it!

There is no need to be patronising and dismissive. It has zero to do with misogyny. I don’t want my son to play football so he can be a “real man”.

The kids in my son’s friendship group like football, most of the boys in class play, as do most of the the neighbour’s kids. Football is a widely played sport including in school yards and areas where kids hang out. Id like my son to get to a level where of say a group of 13 year olds were having a casual kick about and a chat he could join in.

Do I think it’s absolutely essential that all kids play football? No. My son is a very outgoing kid who likes meeting new people, and IMO football would help him do that particularly in school settings.

And yes other sports also allow you to meet new people, but not on the same scale or in the same way.

Well it sounds like a coaching issue now really. The coaches are failing. Appreciate they are volunteer fathers (as they are for my son), but they need to get some training or something so they can actually teach and not just throw young children out onto a pitch and see what happens. It would be lovely if your husband wanted to join in, but he doesn't so there's no fixing that. It really sounds like two separate issues - bad coaching and an indifferent parent. You need to decide if you can live with both or one or neither of these issues but you can't really fix either.

I completely get you, OP. In all honesty, I was just forwarding YouTube videos to dh with ideas how to help ds run faster, as I’m dreading sports day for him.
I was always last/worsr in those things, while dh says he was first. Yet, I’m the one trying to make ds a bit more …less-obviously-non sporty. He seems to take to me, bless him, but somehow it’s worst for a boy to underperform in sports.

I actively help ds with English, Maths and Science. I think it’s fair to expect from dh to help with running and basic football skills.

You don’t need to have a dad to be into football. Why can’t you take him? My DS doesn’t have a dad and loves football, I’m not really interested in it but I’ve encouraged his interest by signing him up to the local football club where he’s made lots of friends and plays matches regularly, which I love watching him play. I get that it must be shit to have a husband who’s disinterested in encouraging and supporting your kids (I think that should be your question maybe..) but I don’t get why your DS can’t play football, maybe unfortunately you need to let go of the idea that it’s going to be his dad that makes that happen and do it yourself instead

He does play football, he plays for a kids team.

@the7Vabo HUGE sympathies. I am in a very similar position, tho further down the road and DH is now taking an interest in DS's football. Feel free to DM me if you want a listening ear from someone who understands. My DH is also a golfer and a gamer who watches endless sport on TV. It's really sad when parents don't make the effort with their kids.

Your children deserve to have a dad who prioritises them and their hobbies/interests over the pub, but it's not as easy as LTB.

P.s ignore the posters telling you to do it and accusing you of being sexist. They're clearly not reading your posts.

If he's little, say KS1, just practice 3 things and he'll beat half the field:

1. Concentrate at the start. Listen to the teacher and go on the b of bang.
2. Run straight. In your own lane.
3. Keep running through the finish line. No weird jumps or dives because it's "faster".

Funny we had sports days today. DS is a middle of the pack sprinter. He did worse in the sack race and egg & spoon. He didn’t get a medal but unlike last year didn’t cry.
I asked him how he felt, and said he felt a bit upset. I told him I was proud of him for managing that feeling.

The egg & spoon caused a bit of upset. The rules are very unclear. One mother was upset as her son didn’t drop the egg but those who got medals did. She told me she’d just love him to have it for his self-esteem as he isn’t sporty.
My son seemed to think you had to sit down when you dropped the egg so clearly that set him back!

I could feel myself getting caught up in the feeling of parental stress at one stage. I gave myself a good talking to (in my head!). As much as I would love DS to win a medal because he’d be so pleased it matters not in the grand scheme of things.

DS did seem quite relaxed, afterwards he told me it only matters if you have fun. I said it is still important to try. DS can be quite lazy which is another reason I want him to do sport.

I think I’ve read most of the thread but forgive me if I’ve missed anything.
Are you getting as much time to go out by yourself as your husband is? Because that is necessary for him to see himself as a responsible parent and necessary for your sanity. If all you’re ever doing is looking after the kids they will become your whole life and little things like football (I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be mean!) will blow up into huge things.
If your boy never plays football again he will be ok. If your husband doesn’t buck his ideas up (which means you stepping back and giving him responsibility) it will not be ok. I couldn’t live with a man like that.

Most dads don't coach their kids in sports, DH didn't- he never had the time. I took them to football, climbing, tennis and swimming but other people did the teaching. This was standard for maybe 90% of their peer group- there were a few dads turning out with the kids, but the very large majority didn't.

To be fair Im not doing everything. Things are not that bad. We each do certain things - I do laundry, husband generally cooks.

I work 4 days, husband 5. I get paid more.

There are certain things my husband has never done and I don’t think ever will. Mainly anything to do the admin - mortgage, most of the bills. He’s a bit of a passenger princess like that. He couldn’t tell you how much our mortgage is or childcare is, for example.

We both work alternative days in the office so he does school & nursery drops those days. He generally does homework those days too. I sometime go out for a drink after work on one of my office days.

So to be fair I’m not chained to the kitchen sink.

But, his increasing social life is tipping the scales for me. That, coupled with his approach to his kids is similar to his approach to admin. He doesn’t plan anything for them - every hobby, birthday party, holdiays, school trip, whatever it is. I plan it, do all the admin & pay for it.

I think about what kind of things my kids might like. I’ve never seen any indication that he does beyond something as screamingly obvious as DD likes Frozen. And he once bought her a unicorn umbrella.

He also doesn’t plan for their future. There is a huge shortage of secondary school places where we live so I feel we need to have some kind of Plan B if DS doesn’t get a place. DH hasn’t thought about it and I would say probably isn’t even aware of the scale of the issue other than what I tell him even though it’s in the media.

DS does football on Saturday morning. It’s mainly dads on sidelines.

DH & I both work. If I wasn’t working it would be different.

DH does have time to play football or whatever with DS. We live 5 metres from a big green with goal posts. DH finishes work at 6 and DS is often running around outside. DH could could do even 10 minutes twice a week during the week without breaking a sweat. DH is also off both days most weekends. And during those 48 he almost never walks the 5 metres over to the green to kick about with DS.

Ah thanks so much, very kind of you!

It upsets me to the extent that I’ve recently started thinking about DH and DS “that kid deserves better than you”.

My husband does 0 kid admin. He manages our finances and I do the children admin - parties, activities, whatever. My husband has no idea what size they are or what their best friend’s favourite colour is. He does 100% of the cooking, anything outside, the finances and various other things. It’s actually easier not to split up the kid admin as that’s how we created mistakes and clashes when he did jump in on something.

I find sports days and similar really triggering as I was terrible at all sports my entire life. But I had to learn to leave my emotions out and let my kids approach it as they like. My daughter with 100% hatred and my son with great enthusiasm as it turns out. I wouldn’t read anything into an egg and spoon race really.

I do think the football thing is a red herring. Keep taking him to the football classes he enjoys, if he’s interested get the Football Hero’s books & read them to him/ chat about them together. I really wouldn’t bother with 1 on 1 coaching for a 7yr old. Let football be something you & your son enjoy together.

But beyond that, I really think you need to talk to your DH & explain you’re worried he doesn’t spend enough quality time with your DS. Ask him
what activities he thinks him & DS might enjoy together - whether it’s a TV show they can watch together, or more cinema trips or crazy golf or DS helping your DH to cook. I don’t think you should be trying to dictate what your DH does in his time with your son, but you can explain how upsetting/ worrying you find it that they don’t spend enough time together.

Can you sit your husband down and ask him why he isn't more involved with his kids? Why has he turned into his dad?

He plays rugby, so he knows that sports isn't just a social lubricant, it builds teamwork and mindset. Does he want his kids to miss out on that?

Sure, he gets pleasure out of his sports, but he's also got a role to play on his children's team. He's a coach and right now, he's an absent one.

I was absolutely awful at ball games as a child. Still can’t catch very well. I never played football
or rugby as a child. But when my DS was small I learnt to kick a football with him. And for about 2 years I had to live and breathe football with him, it’s a phase a lot of kids go through. I got much better at kicking a ball around and would tell him it shows what a difference practice makes (particularly when he’d say boys are better than girls 🙄).

So, long winded way of saying, why not just try playing some football with both your kids in the garden or park? Or go with a couple of other parents (mums or dads) and play with them and their kids?

Bigger issue though is your DH not engaging. I’d originally thought you were going to say your DH hated sport as a child and had bad memories of it, but it’s not that. I like the idea from the poster who suggested just booking two clubs and getting your DH to take him to them.

I think the key difference is your husband manages the finances. I hate having to do both. I don’t want to be the one making decisions about everything material.

You are right of course about the egg & spoon. I was more saying it’s all too easy to get caught up in the whole thing.

I’d agree about the 1:1 coaching for most 7 year olds but DS is quite far behind and I think could do with a bit of help.

While I don’t agree in general with parents railroading each other, I do feel the need to dictate to DH to some extent what he does with DS. Because if I mention TV or game console he’ll jump on it as it’s the lazy option.
Crazy golf would be great. Cinema especially go see the Minecraft movie as my son is desperate to would also be great.

Anything active and consistent would do.

But we’ve been here before. I left our mortgage details out and said go DH to research some deals - details sat untouched. I’ve thrown toys out of pram about not kicking ball around with DS - he agrees he needs to do it and does it once.

So the most I could hope for would be me to book DS or DD into activity and ask DH to take them. Which he does do if I ask, although he is sure to tell me how boring and awful it is!

Honestly OP, MN is the wrong place.
It's piled high with posters than bend themselves out of shape defending shit fathers and husbands.

Your husband is a sports mad, golf playing drinker, who is a BMD (bare minimum dad).
He really is a waste of space.

Decent parents know the value of showing their children they are interested in them, talk to them, stand and watch and encourage them, even when they really don't feel like it.
Its so lovely for children to be able to play dports at any level and discuss it with interested parents.

Children that learn the fun and joy of exercise at any level are far more likely to incorporate it as adults.

You have every right to be extremely unhappy at your husbands selfish behaviour.

His own father was a poor role model and he is following his example.

This is now intergenerational shit fathering.

There is no comparison between an absent father for whatever reason and a father who lives with his children but simply cannot be arsed with them.

Don't be fobbed off by him.
He is a shit father by choice, no other excuse.

You are clearly doing your best and are to be commended.
It's not easy trying to compensate for a shit other parent.

Mind yourself. You and your children deserve much better than this selfish loser.

My dad never played sport with me (I'm male now in my 50s) I was and still am sports mad, all sport but particularly football. I listen to talk sport almost every day.

My dad did other things, we went for walks. He took me with him to work.at times. When he had to give up work because of ill health when I was 11 he was always there to ask about school.

I don't feel hard done by. I had a great relationship with my dad. He was my best mate. He died when I was 24 a month after I got married but the things he taught me about life are still with me every day

I think you might be over estimating my abilities. I’m not just bad at sports I’m worse than that. I had issues in development checks as a child. I was never diagnosed with anything other than a muscle issue in my feet, but I did go to quite a lot of movement classes as a child go try to help me & I’d say its possible I have dyspraxia.

I’m not saying it’s possible I couldn’t get better but I think I’d need coaching myself.

I don’t want to teach my son the wrong way to do stuff either.

DH doesn’t currently play sports but he did growing up and is more than able to do the basics and beyond.