For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

Your husband sounds like the issue as others have pointed out.

However, why dont you take the opportunity to do something about it. My mum used to coach a 5 aside team back in the 80's. She took my brother to all his matches and the team asked her to step up as she was a constant.

Have you got any siblings into football? Any family friends who play/have played? Speak to them and ask for their help. In other words SHAME your DH into seeing what he should be doing.

Sport is not just a male domain. Get involved yourself and enjoy the fun. DH can look after your DD while you are away or maybe even get her involved. Football is a girls sport too.

If DH isnt going to step up then show him what he is missing out on.

Oh that's such a shame.

I don't think you are unreasonable to think that your DH could be doing a lot more to engage with DS about football, and it's disappointing that he isn't when he has such a social interest in the sport himself.

Regarding the football skills specifically, I do think you might be slightly misattributing the problem. From what you say, it's not ball skills and co-ordination that your DS is struggling with - it's understanding the rules and lacking tactical awareness. I don't think that comes just from kicking a ball around with dad, but from watching games and talking about what the players are doing.

I had a very sporty housemate who enjoyed football and I learned a lot from watching matches with him, just from comments he made like "he's way out of position" or "he's making a run" or commenting on attacking players making space for themselves in the box, or evading their marker or whatever. That taught me a lot about the flow of the game and how teams work together to attack/defend.

Are there opportunities you can create for DS to hear / take part in conversations like that? Even watching a game with him on TV and talking through when it's a corner vs goal kick, offside or throw in (and to which team) etc might go a long way to helping him understand the mechanics of playing as part of a team - and his role within that team.

My brother was 3 years older than me. I am female. We both are/were very sporty, but our parents were not particularly. They did take us to extra practices though (mostly my father taking us so you have a point there).
Being sporty myself, despite being younger, I used to play football and other sports with my brother for hours. So don't write off your daughter as a sporty playmate for your son.

I think you're getting unnecessary stick on here for the "DH male = should do the sport" thing.

Yes, women can play and encourage sport with their sons, and take out the bins and do the garden and all that.

But when they're doing that AND EVERYTHING ELSE, it's natural to internally scream "Can't you at least fucking do the stuff that normal mediocre fathers do rather than being an extra-specially shit one?"

Is he taking your DD to toddler dance or ballet, OP? Because dads can do that too, you know.

Tbh I’m sick of these posts. They are not
helpful and more importantly they are not intended to be! I do tons of things with DS.

I think it’s important for DH to have a relationship of significance with his son. I have read up on child development and professionals thinks it’s important for boys to have a relationship with their father/postive male role model.

A quick glance at the discourse around Adolescence would tell you as much. A show that showed a father’s lack of relationship with his son.

It’s not because I have very traditional views. If DD wants to play football I’ll gladly sign her up.

As it happens DH is sports obsessed and I have never been sporty. He could chose to extend his interest in rugby to DS but he doesn’t because he can’t be arsed.

And this type of thing has consequences. My DH had a crisis in his early 20s. His father was there then but he wasn’t there to any significant degree when MiL was raising 4 teenagers And stepping in in a crisis is too late.

Bluntly, so what, though? I grew up with a mother who left school at 13 and married at 20 into a family of men (my father, his father, his uncle, his brother) and skivvied for them, and a father who regarded his contribution as paying the bills. That's not the way I choose to see gender roles. DH's dad couldn't boil an egg, but he's a brilliant cook.

The thing is @the7Vabo it actually doesn’t matter whatsoever what YOU think is important, or what professionals think is important re dad & son relationships, what matters is what your husband thinks and wants to do.

What you should have learned from all of your reading is that parents have to WANT to be good parents, you cannot be forced to be a good dad and you don’t get to decide what makes a good dad- only your husband can do that. Forcing your husband to do things or go to things is only going to make things worse because children know when a person doesn’t want to do something, it will do nothing whatsoever for them to have you orchestrating things. He’s not the dad you want him to be, he never will be.

But what are you suggesting practically? That I just give up?

Say ok DH I know you find tons of stuff to do with kids boring so just don’t do them. Off you go with the lads, you need your breaks after all. I know you love rugby so of course watch the match but be sure not to explain anything to your DS when he shows an interest.

TBH F that.

I get that I’ll have to accept DH will never be the kind of dad who say points out a flower and explains photosynthesis. That I cannot force.

But he can bloody well try harder than he is.

Sorry if been mentioned but can your son not try rugby if you can persuade his dad to take him?

None of my kids did football, nor their friends and I can’t think of any of my friends kids that did either bar one girl!

Unfortunately he's a very poor father, Op. Growing up my ds did gymnastics, judo, karate, swimming and briefly, rugby. He also tried his hand at basketball. My dh was very involved, interested and supportive and we would take him to classes either one of us or together. Dh was always there at tournaments and events. We both encouraged him. Dh took Ds to swimming lessons himself (as I worked at the time of the lesson) and despite never having played rugby himself would take ds to the park to play and catch the ball. He never missed a sports day. He was and still is a great and involved dad despite ds now being a young adult. Sadly, I don't think you can make someone be a present and engaged father but you need a serious conversation that doesn't result in him stepping up just the once. but permanently.

I know the issue here is more your husband’s attitude. That aside - surely it’s about finding something that is fun to do together (which your husband maybe needs to get his head around). (I’m a woman by the way) I couldn’t stand taking my son to ‘a sport’ and just hanging around. Boring! Instead I find stuff I can participate in with him. We’ve just started karate together. My partner and I take it in turns to take him swimming - as in swim with him. He’ll do a few lengths with whoever takes him then play. We both cycle with him and walk with him. I race my bike, my son races his bike - I pick races where there are separate adult races, where there are also kids races on the same day. My son (who’s 8) doesn’t play football and hasn’t ever shown any interest (but football isn’t a thing in our family). It doesn’t seem to have impacted him socially or in terms of friends at school. He’s made friends with other kids in our cycling club. I’m sure he’ll make friends through karate - there were other kids there the same age.

Of course he can be better. But you can’t really make him change his personality. Unless there’s been some massive change recently and he used to be better at it before having two kids / changing jobs / something else happening. Involved parents are involved from day 1 and I’m guessing he never really was (but hopefully I’m wrong!)

No reason to accept this in your life but I can’t see how you can force him to do anything. He can just continue to refuse?

If you want to wait it out, he might get better as the kids get older. Some parents thrive at different stages. But to be honest by 7 years in he should have found something he enjoys about parenting by now.

To all those saying why can't she do it..right now maybe it's fine but my teen son doesn't want his mum rocking up to events or training with him, or to go on a run with him.. he'd love his disinterested, divorced dad to be around more and willing to do those things but he's not and as a result, ds has become increasingly inactive. I hope the OPs H steps up.

Give up trying to force something, yes.

You can speak to your husband, you can tell him how you feel, but the kind of parent he is? That’s up to him. Not you. You cannot force him to be a good dad, you cannot force him to try harder. He either will or he won’t, but forcing them together is going to damage their relationship more than anything else- dad will be resentful he’s being made to do something so will half arse it, child will feel like a pain for being the reason dad was forced.

Why does it need to be dad taking him to football ? Why can’t you teach him this life skill

I hate all sports but have taken my son and daughter to little kickers and rugger bugs it’s just what you do on sat morning ( yes it’s massive drag I hate it)

it’s a bit lazy if dad he needs to step up a bit

I have done both Little Kickers & Rugby Tots with DS. I also mainly take my son to football now. I signed him up for extra coaching and I took him to that.
Im not doing nothing & moaning that DH is doing nothing.

Two separate issues here. Yes, you have a dh issue and no, his lack of a role model is no excuse. However from your description, he's not likely to change. Have you tried talking to him about his childhood and what he would have liked his father to do? Could your fil take your ds to football? That may give him something to think about.

Equally, the best way to improve ball skills is time on the ball. My eldest had horrendous coordination when he started playing. Even simple things like putting a coat down and getting him to aim at it or marking the wall in your garden can have a huge difference. You don't need to physically play yourself. I sometimes get mine to run laps around the park keeping a ball undercontrol or just let him kick a ball about.

My dd is 7 and she plays for a team. I don't think she necessarily knows all the rules for a proper game of football. At the moment they only play 4 aside so I don't see him not understanding the rules as being an issue. Ds stopped playing for a team at 9 and he was only playing 7 aside then.

Super good point there too. At 7 years old there aren’t exactly professional level rules. My son started playing at 4 and is (almost) 9 now. He’s in 7s and this is their first year with assigned positions and lots of rules - all taught by the coaches. My son is a goalie and does extra goalie training each week and there is something different now with how far he can pass it out? Or throw it? Something changed for 7s but I don’t quite know what it is as he is learning from his coaches. I’m an immigrant so didn’t grow up playing football so it’s mostly a mystery to me.

at 7 it was still 4s and they just ran around a lot. So not much else to know yet.

"But I also don’t see why it’s unreasonable to expect my husband to do it. "

The reality is you can have expectations but your husband is just not the man who is going to be involved with his kids' activities. He's not going to take his kids out back and kick a ball around with them, he's not going to get your son involved in something your husband likes, like rugby, because he doesn't want to be involved with him. Rugby is your husband's thing and he finds the kids hard work so he's going to keep it for himself. He's there in body but he's not committed to being an involved father.

" I think it’s important for DH to have a relationship of significance with his son. "

I agree. But you chose the wrong man because your husband doesn't care. He's modeling what he was raised with. Your reality is your husband doesn't care to be involved with your kids and he is not going to step up for them. What you think is important you are going to have to do or let it go. He's not going to.

DS football club play full matches. It’s a fairly new club set up by a group of dads so there is I assume some learning as they go as to what works.

We went from Rugby Tots & Little Kickers to this club. The former was a lot of hyper toddler style running around. In the current club DS is put on a pitch against a team from another town and he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do. Nobody has ever really explained it to him during the coaching sessions.

I think I’ll look around up see if I can get him a bit of private coaching.

I think this sounds really difficult actually so I see why there’s a problem developing. I’d look for a community club with a stepped approach - or indeed just pull him and try rugby or something else for a while. If he’s not being coached properly that’s an issue with or without his parents involvement.

I agree pretty much.

I think a sense of frustration at DH has built up in my head a lot of it is his increasing social life.

He told be proudly this morning that he got a hole-in-one in the 9 holes he played last night. I just looked at him, and then he goes oh you don’t care. He knew I was annoyed, I texted him during the kids bedtime saying DD is screaming the house down.
He hasnt done nothing for the household all weekend, he did a shop, cut the grass.
i was out with the kids most of the weekend.

DH went to the pub on Sat, when he first said it he said it would be after kids bedtime but then he walked out before kids were in bed. Then he played golf on Sunday at 7pm. I’m really tired at the moment, struggling with iron levels and the Sunday evening bedtime on my own just pushed me over the edge.

He basically said recently he needs to work on his golf. As far as I’m concerned both his kids are reaching an age where he needs to work on his kids. It’s their time in the sun go have their hobbies and interests prioritised.

We went from Rugby Tots & Little Kickers to this club. The former was a lot of hyper toddler style running around. In the current club DS is put on a pitch against a team from another town and he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do. Nobody has ever really explained it to him during the coaching sessions

I’d look to move him somewhere else as that sounds like shit coaching. Most kids sports, the rules change all the time as they progress up in age. The rules you have when you play are not the same at 16yo as they were when you were 4yo, or 8yo or 12yo. It’s not up to parents to explain all the rule changes to the kids as while parents may know rules at professional level (the types of matches people see in stadiums and on tv), they don’t tend to know how the rules go and progress as children age through a sport. That’s the coaches job, not the parents. Sounds like shit coaching so I’d just move him elsewhere.

Yes I will also jump on the band wagon and say as a single parent I did the whole football thing from aged 4 to 17 when he could drive BUT my son had no resident dad!
I agree football playing and knowledge of it is a social icebreaker for lots of ppl, we even had season tickets.
Your husband needs to invest or f off. Son deserves better. Does he want a solid relationship with his kids? because he will lose out, kids don't forget useless parents I can assure you.

Misogynistic rubbish that boys must play football to make friends and socialise.

If he isn't interested then find another sport or activity. When my DS was 7 I took him to a kick boxing family class. 7.5 years later and we both have black belt!

Kids will make friendship groups doing STUFF they enjoy, not necessarily sport.